---
Chapter I - Handcream
---
Many people think that Itachi killed the Uchiha clan for no reason whatsoever. Others believe that he killed them to test his strength. Some other people think that he did it so that Sasuke would have an incentive to become stronger, so that he could defeat his brother. All of these theories are incorrect, however. If you want to know the real reason why Itachi brutally slaughtered everyone except for Sasuke, we must take a trip into the past...
---
Weird flashback blurring effect...
---
The Uchiha Clan Household, 5:47am
The sun was rising, the birds were chirping happily and nearly all of the Uchiha clan's ninjas were waking up. All except for a certain person...
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'
A high-pitched scream, almost like a young girl's, filled the morning air. That could only have belonged to one person... Uchiha Itachi. The Crossdressing Ninja of the Uchiha Clan, Uchiha Itachi. Although he preferred to be known as Megumi.
When Sasuke, one of the 'unknown' children of the clan (Voted 'Least likely to make anything of his life'), walked in on Uchiha Megumi using his infamous 'Avada Neutrogena' jutsu on his parents (Death by moisturising, drains life from the user's skin), Megumi decided to put on his best 'Evil' voice.
The attempt failed miserably however, and Sasuke was forced to make up the entire encounter and delude himself into thinking that what he had imagined was actually the truth, so that nobody could find out what really happened.
Instead of what Sasuke SAYS happened, this is what Megumi REALLY said:
'Hello dear little brother. Would you be a darling and pop down to the chemist's to get me some more handcream?'
This was said mere moments before he was attacked by the rest of the clan (Two old men and a half-sheep/half-woman crossbreed), forcing Megumi to use Avada Neutrogena so much that the skin on his hands actually CRACKED. Ashamed that such a disaster would see him forced out of the Konoha Crossdressing Championships this year (Other competitors included the Sandaime, Jiraiya and Random Chuunin Who Is Never Seen Again), Megumi fled Konoha and the rest is (almost all) history.
Naruto Short Story Saga
Started by Blayze, Sep 27 2004 10:26 PM
-
This topic is locked
11 replies to this topic
#1
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:26 PM
#2
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:29 PM
---
Chapter II - Fangirl Infestation
---
To anyone else, it would just look like a normal caravan. You know, the type you get stuck behind on the motorway when you're late for work. But then again, these are the same villagers who wouldn't bother questioning why a caravan was in their world that has no cars or roads, and also what the bloody hell a caravan is in the first place.
It was as if the entire world was stupid, and only Megumi was sane. Speaking of which... to anyone else, it would just look like a normal caravan. But to Uchiha Megumi, this particular caravan was a special place for him. This was Akatsuki HQ. Why they couldn't have just met up in a pub or hotel or something was beyond Megumi, but Orochimaru liked to have a lot of muscular bodies in close proximity to his own.
Personally, Megumi thought Orochimaru was a sick, perverted bastard. But then again they all were, since the Akatsuki members were all crossdressers. Megumi wasn't stupid though. Orochimaru just wanted free and unrestricted access to Konoha's Ninja Academy... or more specifically, the quasi-defenseless children who were enrolled there. Orochimaru had a strange fetish about small boys with kunai and shuriken.
But today, there was no squirming mass of physical forms as Orochimaru was out 'meeting some contacts', and the other Akatsuki members had been ordered to stay clear of the caravan. Why? I'll tell you why. Every so often, a female happens upon this caravan. Now for some strange and inexplicable reason, the females are always underage.
Perhaps Orochimaru had a secret network of child escorts. Perhaps not. In any case, something strange seems to happen whenever one of these small females spots one of the Akatsuki. They go into a mad fit and attempt to molest said Akatsuki member. And it was Megumi's turn this month to clear out the caravan.
It was time for the ultimate battle. He would have to fend off an army of screaming fangirls, armed to the teeth with posters and badges and Sharingan contact lenses and all kinds of evil goods manufactured to cash in on the fact that Uchiha men attract rabid fangirls like kitten attracts flies. And Megumi couldn't work out which parasitic lifeform was more of an annoyance.
Nevertheless, it was time to cleanse the sacred meeting place of the vermin which no doubt lay within its walls, waiting to pounce on him at any moment. Megumi opened the door using his handy Akatsuki Swiss Army Ring (?9.99 at all leading toy stores), and walked inside...
He blinked. Twice. Nothing. No swarm of lust-filled teenage girls. No warcries of 'I love you!' and 'Make love to me, Ita-Megumi!' Frankly, Megumi was slightly disappointed. This could mean only one thing: Sasuke's Awesomeness Level had exceeded his. It was time for the true training of coolness. Sasuke would see. Oh yes, he would indeed see...
None would beat Megumi in the coolness stakes. Not Sasuke, the emotional cripple. Not even Naruto, who was popular enough to get an anime AND a manga named after him. Megumi had a plan. It was a rather crude plan, but it was a plan nontheless. It was time to find where that caravan had come from originally. Maybe he could get some help from there...
Chapter II - Fangirl Infestation
---
To anyone else, it would just look like a normal caravan. You know, the type you get stuck behind on the motorway when you're late for work. But then again, these are the same villagers who wouldn't bother questioning why a caravan was in their world that has no cars or roads, and also what the bloody hell a caravan is in the first place.
It was as if the entire world was stupid, and only Megumi was sane. Speaking of which... to anyone else, it would just look like a normal caravan. But to Uchiha Megumi, this particular caravan was a special place for him. This was Akatsuki HQ. Why they couldn't have just met up in a pub or hotel or something was beyond Megumi, but Orochimaru liked to have a lot of muscular bodies in close proximity to his own.
Personally, Megumi thought Orochimaru was a sick, perverted bastard. But then again they all were, since the Akatsuki members were all crossdressers. Megumi wasn't stupid though. Orochimaru just wanted free and unrestricted access to Konoha's Ninja Academy... or more specifically, the quasi-defenseless children who were enrolled there. Orochimaru had a strange fetish about small boys with kunai and shuriken.
But today, there was no squirming mass of physical forms as Orochimaru was out 'meeting some contacts', and the other Akatsuki members had been ordered to stay clear of the caravan. Why? I'll tell you why. Every so often, a female happens upon this caravan. Now for some strange and inexplicable reason, the females are always underage.
Perhaps Orochimaru had a secret network of child escorts. Perhaps not. In any case, something strange seems to happen whenever one of these small females spots one of the Akatsuki. They go into a mad fit and attempt to molest said Akatsuki member. And it was Megumi's turn this month to clear out the caravan.
It was time for the ultimate battle. He would have to fend off an army of screaming fangirls, armed to the teeth with posters and badges and Sharingan contact lenses and all kinds of evil goods manufactured to cash in on the fact that Uchiha men attract rabid fangirls like kitten attracts flies. And Megumi couldn't work out which parasitic lifeform was more of an annoyance.
Nevertheless, it was time to cleanse the sacred meeting place of the vermin which no doubt lay within its walls, waiting to pounce on him at any moment. Megumi opened the door using his handy Akatsuki Swiss Army Ring (?9.99 at all leading toy stores), and walked inside...
He blinked. Twice. Nothing. No swarm of lust-filled teenage girls. No warcries of 'I love you!' and 'Make love to me, Ita-Megumi!' Frankly, Megumi was slightly disappointed. This could mean only one thing: Sasuke's Awesomeness Level had exceeded his. It was time for the true training of coolness. Sasuke would see. Oh yes, he would indeed see...
None would beat Megumi in the coolness stakes. Not Sasuke, the emotional cripple. Not even Naruto, who was popular enough to get an anime AND a manga named after him. Megumi had a plan. It was a rather crude plan, but it was a plan nontheless. It was time to find where that caravan had come from originally. Maybe he could get some help from there...
#3
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:30 PM
---
Chapter III - Meeting Kisame
---
Having a new mission partner is a big gamble. On the one hand, you could end up working together like Ino, Shikamaru and Chouji do, utilising their different abilities to defeat enemies with teamwork. On the other hand, you could end up like Naruto and Sasuke, neither of you willing to let the other beat you. Such a result is not conducive to teamwork or co-operation of any kind.
And so it came to pass that a slightly anxious Uchiha Megumi was waiting in Akatsuki HQ (aka a caravan), waiting for the arrival of his new mission partner Kisame. Well, not really anxious. More like 'waiting for an excuse to kill Kisame so he can get back to harassing Sasuke.' Yeah, that's more like it.
Why was Megumi getting a new partner? Because Orochimaru had left. Well, not so much left as fled. With the Ninja Police after him. It seems that Orochimaru hadn't covered his tracks too well, and had ended up signing up to a police-run website designed to catch paedophiles such as himself.
It was his own fault really. He shouldn't have followed the link given to him in that chat room by SexyPreTeenBoy. Megumi had warned him of the sheer absurdity of that nickname, but Orochimaru had insisted on clicking the hyperlink and signed up to the resulting web page as 'Moonwalk.'
Five minutes later he was outside the caravan and running for his life. An hour later, and Megumi was still waiting for Kisame to arrive. By then, Megumi was idly flicking through the channels, stopping on a news channel to hear about Orochimaru on the run from the police. Just as Orochimaru was about to perform some very Matrix-esque moves to dodge incoming bullets, the door fell in.
Megumi stared at the space where a slightly bent and broken door had been stood all of ten seconds ago, as someone entered the caravan carrying what looked like a hedgehog that had been squashed, stretched and then wrapped in bandages. And had a hilt shoved up its arse. The feeling of respect for ninjas as powerful as you quickly vanished from Megumi's mind as the stranger spoke.
'Hello boy! I'm Kisame. What's your name, sugar?'
Had Kisame not been carrying a dangerous weapon that looked like it would offend all forms of animal rights groups, Megumi would have laughed. Oh yes, and there was also the fact that just like Sasuke, Megumi was also an emotional cripple. Well, what else do you expect from someone who slaughtered his entire clan for some handcream?
Megumi knew, there and then, that things could only get worse.
Chapter III - Meeting Kisame
---
Having a new mission partner is a big gamble. On the one hand, you could end up working together like Ino, Shikamaru and Chouji do, utilising their different abilities to defeat enemies with teamwork. On the other hand, you could end up like Naruto and Sasuke, neither of you willing to let the other beat you. Such a result is not conducive to teamwork or co-operation of any kind.
And so it came to pass that a slightly anxious Uchiha Megumi was waiting in Akatsuki HQ (aka a caravan), waiting for the arrival of his new mission partner Kisame. Well, not really anxious. More like 'waiting for an excuse to kill Kisame so he can get back to harassing Sasuke.' Yeah, that's more like it.
Why was Megumi getting a new partner? Because Orochimaru had left. Well, not so much left as fled. With the Ninja Police after him. It seems that Orochimaru hadn't covered his tracks too well, and had ended up signing up to a police-run website designed to catch paedophiles such as himself.
It was his own fault really. He shouldn't have followed the link given to him in that chat room by SexyPreTeenBoy. Megumi had warned him of the sheer absurdity of that nickname, but Orochimaru had insisted on clicking the hyperlink and signed up to the resulting web page as 'Moonwalk.'
Five minutes later he was outside the caravan and running for his life. An hour later, and Megumi was still waiting for Kisame to arrive. By then, Megumi was idly flicking through the channels, stopping on a news channel to hear about Orochimaru on the run from the police. Just as Orochimaru was about to perform some very Matrix-esque moves to dodge incoming bullets, the door fell in.
Megumi stared at the space where a slightly bent and broken door had been stood all of ten seconds ago, as someone entered the caravan carrying what looked like a hedgehog that had been squashed, stretched and then wrapped in bandages. And had a hilt shoved up its arse. The feeling of respect for ninjas as powerful as you quickly vanished from Megumi's mind as the stranger spoke.
'Hello boy! I'm Kisame. What's your name, sugar?'
Had Kisame not been carrying a dangerous weapon that looked like it would offend all forms of animal rights groups, Megumi would have laughed. Oh yes, and there was also the fact that just like Sasuke, Megumi was also an emotional cripple. Well, what else do you expect from someone who slaughtered his entire clan for some handcream?
Megumi knew, there and then, that things could only get worse.
#4
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:32 PM
---
Chapter IV - Dental Appointment
---
Life seriously hated Uchiha Megumi. His stock of fangirls who he could count on to sacrifice themselves for him had been seriously depleted over the past few weeks. Every time Sasuke stole another jutsu with that incomplete Sharingan of his, the elder Uchiha could feel his influence decrease and his power wane.
He had plans for revenge. Plans that would be brought to fruition in the near future. But that would be later. He would let Sasuke enjoy his small victory for now. He only hoped the arrogant Uchiha sod didn't come after him before next week. If he did, Megumi's ultimate plan wouldn't be ready yet.
As if to make fun of him, Fate decided to kick Megumi in the balls just then. A knock was heard at the door, and the one voice Megumi didn't want to hear drifted in through the window. Well, that one AND the tax collector, I suppose. AND his ex-girlfriend. AND his mother. Now that would be a painful talking to the dead experience.
Although his mother would probably be doing a lot of shouting. That woman had trained her mouth beyond the limits of the human jaw. It was incredible. She could use it to climb walls, clean, and when she got drunk, she'd try to swallow her entire fist. Megumi kept praying that one day it would get stuck in there, but it never did. That woman must have had hands made of Teflon or something.
Anyway, Megumi was cursing his luck as he flung the door open. Standing there in the doorway was Sasuke, his brother. Come to kill him. As usual. It happened every Friday at 5:00PM. Sasuke would come to the caravan, try to kill Megumi then leave. And not once did Megumi wonder why he left that idiotic brat alive so many times. He was probably getting bored. But this time it wasn't Sasuke.
It was Kisame disguised as Sasuke. Cancelling the Henge, Kisame walked into the caravan with a smug grin on his face as Megumi groaned. He had to be getting old. No way in hell would he fall for such a cheap trick otherwise. Kisame knew that Megumi hated to have to do this, but it was in his contract...
'Alright, say 'ah'.'
Kisame opened his mouth and revealed all of his triangular teeth. This was the best part of the benefits of joining Akatsuki - Monthly dental checkups by the person with the best eyes in the organisation. And since there wasn't a single Hyuuga on the roster, the job of Dentist fell to Uchiha Megumi.
And how he hated teeth. Especially those belonging to other people. Especially those belonging to Kisame. And why? Because Kisame didn't brush. Or floss. Or use mouthwash. Come to think of it, Kisame didn't shave or take showers, either. The stench was almost overpowering.
Megumi grinned, though. He would get Kisame back later on. That 72 hours of torture ability was looking very attractive right at the minute...
Chapter IV - Dental Appointment
---
Life seriously hated Uchiha Megumi. His stock of fangirls who he could count on to sacrifice themselves for him had been seriously depleted over the past few weeks. Every time Sasuke stole another jutsu with that incomplete Sharingan of his, the elder Uchiha could feel his influence decrease and his power wane.
He had plans for revenge. Plans that would be brought to fruition in the near future. But that would be later. He would let Sasuke enjoy his small victory for now. He only hoped the arrogant Uchiha sod didn't come after him before next week. If he did, Megumi's ultimate plan wouldn't be ready yet.
As if to make fun of him, Fate decided to kick Megumi in the balls just then. A knock was heard at the door, and the one voice Megumi didn't want to hear drifted in through the window. Well, that one AND the tax collector, I suppose. AND his ex-girlfriend. AND his mother. Now that would be a painful talking to the dead experience.
Although his mother would probably be doing a lot of shouting. That woman had trained her mouth beyond the limits of the human jaw. It was incredible. She could use it to climb walls, clean, and when she got drunk, she'd try to swallow her entire fist. Megumi kept praying that one day it would get stuck in there, but it never did. That woman must have had hands made of Teflon or something.
Anyway, Megumi was cursing his luck as he flung the door open. Standing there in the doorway was Sasuke, his brother. Come to kill him. As usual. It happened every Friday at 5:00PM. Sasuke would come to the caravan, try to kill Megumi then leave. And not once did Megumi wonder why he left that idiotic brat alive so many times. He was probably getting bored. But this time it wasn't Sasuke.
It was Kisame disguised as Sasuke. Cancelling the Henge, Kisame walked into the caravan with a smug grin on his face as Megumi groaned. He had to be getting old. No way in hell would he fall for such a cheap trick otherwise. Kisame knew that Megumi hated to have to do this, but it was in his contract...
'Alright, say 'ah'.'
Kisame opened his mouth and revealed all of his triangular teeth. This was the best part of the benefits of joining Akatsuki - Monthly dental checkups by the person with the best eyes in the organisation. And since there wasn't a single Hyuuga on the roster, the job of Dentist fell to Uchiha Megumi.
And how he hated teeth. Especially those belonging to other people. Especially those belonging to Kisame. And why? Because Kisame didn't brush. Or floss. Or use mouthwash. Come to think of it, Kisame didn't shave or take showers, either. The stench was almost overpowering.
Megumi grinned, though. He would get Kisame back later on. That 72 hours of torture ability was looking very attractive right at the minute...
#5
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:34 PM
---
Chapter V - Brother, How Art Thou?
---
Dear Satanic Child From Hades... Brother,
I hope you die a slow and horrible death at the hands of drunken Sand ninjas... are having a nice time in that soon-to-be-conquered... quiet village of yours.
Why did you not come by for your weekly humiliation... attempt at murdering me last Friday? I was really relieved... disappointed when you didn?t show up. It might have given me an excuse to kill Kisame and hide the body in quicksand... get out of Kisame?s dental appointment.
Hope to see your decapitated head on a sharp spike... you in the near future.
Love and a kunai in the testicles...,
Megumi
PS: I need that next shipment of handcream soon, brother. Last night, I FLAKED!
Chapter V - Brother, How Art Thou?
---
Dear Satanic Child From Hades... Brother,
I hope you die a slow and horrible death at the hands of drunken Sand ninjas... are having a nice time in that soon-to-be-conquered... quiet village of yours.
Why did you not come by for your weekly humiliation... attempt at murdering me last Friday? I was really relieved... disappointed when you didn?t show up. It might have given me an excuse to kill Kisame and hide the body in quicksand... get out of Kisame?s dental appointment.
Hope to see your decapitated head on a sharp spike... you in the near future.
Love and a kunai in the testicles...,
Megumi
PS: I need that next shipment of handcream soon, brother. Last night, I FLAKED!
#6
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:36 PM
---
Chapter VI - The Mary Sue Situation
---
AT this current point in time, Megumi's popularity among the rabid fangirls was half of what his brother Sasuke's was. If it continued to drop this fast, he would be out of a fanbase by the end of the week. Fangirls are fickle things, you see.
But one day, as Megumi was sitting outside the Akatsuki caravan, something happened that would force him to lower his own fanbase on purpose. He was approached by a beautiful woman. No, not anime beautiful. No, not hentai beautiful. This woman was flawless in every single way. Intelligent, insightful, wise, charming, strong, agile, considerate, kind, witty...
Megumi knew better. There were only two things that could possibly be going on. Maybe someone had managed to get him with a genjutsu of some description (and judging by how easily Kisame had tricked him with a single Henge last Friday, that explanation was entirely possible).
The only other explanation was that Megumi was currently talking to one of the most dangerous creatures in fantasy history. But Megumi had to know for sure. He pulled out his pocket-sized NinjaDex (?19.99 at all leading toystores) and pointed it in the general direction of the beautiful woman.
'Mary Sue: Quite possibly the most dangerous female ninja ever. There are no recorded incidents of any of this mysterious breed of female ninjas not falling in love as soon as they meet either Uzumaki Naruto or Uchiha Sasuke. This bizarre race of females have several highly powerful attacks, such as the Mary Sue Mush, where they force themselves onto a male and kiss them, draining the male of their soul and will to seek out other females and the Mass Glomp, which nobody has ever seen and lived to tell the tale.'
'They have a very strange religious belief that all males are gay unless they are romantically involved with them. They will not accept heterosexual hints, whether gently implied or forced down the throat with the aid of a sledgehammer...'
Unable to listen to much more of the aging machine's prattling about the culture of the Mary Sue, Megumi considered his options. He could kill her. No, that'd attract attention. One Mary Sue could lead to four, and even he would eventually run out of amusing and creative ways of killing them.
If he fled, she would follow. If he killed her, more would come. There was only one thing left to do. As much as it sickened him, this was his only option. The final failsafe. Megumi asked the Mary Sue to wait for a minute, before entering the caravan. Half a minute of hushed whispers later, and Megumi and Kisame exited the caravan, arm in arm.
The Mary Sue stared at them, eyes wide, before screaming and running away. When she was out of sight, Megumi let go of Kisame, who was attempting to snuggle up to him. If anything, the Shark-man's behaviour had become even more disturbing over the weekend. Megumi sighed as he watched a quasi-visible counter on the outside wall of the caravan drop sharply.
His fanbase had just been reduced to five screaming preteen fangirls and an eight-year old boy who loved to yell 'Shawingan! Shee? It's my Shawingan, mommy!' while holding cherries with black comma symbols painted on them up to his eyes. If he poked his eyes out with the stalks, Megumi would get the blame.
Five seconds later, the counter dropped again.
'There goes the kid and his mum.'
Chapter VI - The Mary Sue Situation
---
AT this current point in time, Megumi's popularity among the rabid fangirls was half of what his brother Sasuke's was. If it continued to drop this fast, he would be out of a fanbase by the end of the week. Fangirls are fickle things, you see.
But one day, as Megumi was sitting outside the Akatsuki caravan, something happened that would force him to lower his own fanbase on purpose. He was approached by a beautiful woman. No, not anime beautiful. No, not hentai beautiful. This woman was flawless in every single way. Intelligent, insightful, wise, charming, strong, agile, considerate, kind, witty...
Megumi knew better. There were only two things that could possibly be going on. Maybe someone had managed to get him with a genjutsu of some description (and judging by how easily Kisame had tricked him with a single Henge last Friday, that explanation was entirely possible).
The only other explanation was that Megumi was currently talking to one of the most dangerous creatures in fantasy history. But Megumi had to know for sure. He pulled out his pocket-sized NinjaDex (?19.99 at all leading toystores) and pointed it in the general direction of the beautiful woman.
'Mary Sue: Quite possibly the most dangerous female ninja ever. There are no recorded incidents of any of this mysterious breed of female ninjas not falling in love as soon as they meet either Uzumaki Naruto or Uchiha Sasuke. This bizarre race of females have several highly powerful attacks, such as the Mary Sue Mush, where they force themselves onto a male and kiss them, draining the male of their soul and will to seek out other females and the Mass Glomp, which nobody has ever seen and lived to tell the tale.'
'They have a very strange religious belief that all males are gay unless they are romantically involved with them. They will not accept heterosexual hints, whether gently implied or forced down the throat with the aid of a sledgehammer...'
Unable to listen to much more of the aging machine's prattling about the culture of the Mary Sue, Megumi considered his options. He could kill her. No, that'd attract attention. One Mary Sue could lead to four, and even he would eventually run out of amusing and creative ways of killing them.
If he fled, she would follow. If he killed her, more would come. There was only one thing left to do. As much as it sickened him, this was his only option. The final failsafe. Megumi asked the Mary Sue to wait for a minute, before entering the caravan. Half a minute of hushed whispers later, and Megumi and Kisame exited the caravan, arm in arm.
The Mary Sue stared at them, eyes wide, before screaming and running away. When she was out of sight, Megumi let go of Kisame, who was attempting to snuggle up to him. If anything, the Shark-man's behaviour had become even more disturbing over the weekend. Megumi sighed as he watched a quasi-visible counter on the outside wall of the caravan drop sharply.
His fanbase had just been reduced to five screaming preteen fangirls and an eight-year old boy who loved to yell 'Shawingan! Shee? It's my Shawingan, mommy!' while holding cherries with black comma symbols painted on them up to his eyes. If he poked his eyes out with the stalks, Megumi would get the blame.
Five seconds later, the counter dropped again.
'There goes the kid and his mum.'
#7
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:39 PM
---
Chapter VII - Evil Can Love Too
---
Ever since Megumi was introduced to her at the Annual Anti-Konoha Festival last year, he had been infatuated by the sheer beauty of Tayuya, one of Orochimaru's cronies. He had fallen hopelessly in love with her grace and elegance... and even by the way she managed to insert swearwords into every single sentence, and sometimes even WITHIN words themselves.
Then last week, Megumi learnt of a threat to his growing love for the foulmouthed beauty. There had been dire rumours abounding on the Evil Ninja mailing list for the past three weeks. Rumours of an English dub. Megumi knew what that would mean for him. New voice actor, new speech mannerisms, a new script to learn, a god-awful American accent and the realisation that his history and motivation for killing the clan would be screwed with... he could live with that.
What he couldn't live with however, was the undeniable fact that if there was a dub, then his beloved Tayuya would end up spouting words only Gohan from the Dragonball Z dub has said in the past twenty years. Words like 'Gosh.'
It was the thought of his beloved Tayuya destroyed in this manner that led Megumi to a train of thought that ended up giving him an idea. If his darling Tayuya was going to be ruined in such a manner, then he would strike a deal with 4Kids.
Half an hour after talking to the 4Kids bosses through a mixture of threats, bribes and Sharingan torture, Megumi had secured a deal with them. Tayuya was going to be allowed to swear... but it would all be bleeped out. Megumi had a plan, however... a very devious plan.
'What do I have to say, Ita-Megumi?'
'You have to say this...'
Megumi whispered something in Tayuya's ear, and they both grinned evilly. Tayuya's evil grin was more evil than Megumi's, though. A sure sign of the fact that those two were perfect for each other.
'Here goes... ****ing ****. ****ing. ****ing ****ing ****. ****ing ****ing.'
'Perfect!'
Tayuya grinned.
'I can't wait to see what they realise they'll end up spelling out in Morse Code!'
Megumi smiled. This was the Tayuya he loved.
Chapter VII - Evil Can Love Too
---
Ever since Megumi was introduced to her at the Annual Anti-Konoha Festival last year, he had been infatuated by the sheer beauty of Tayuya, one of Orochimaru's cronies. He had fallen hopelessly in love with her grace and elegance... and even by the way she managed to insert swearwords into every single sentence, and sometimes even WITHIN words themselves.
Then last week, Megumi learnt of a threat to his growing love for the foulmouthed beauty. There had been dire rumours abounding on the Evil Ninja mailing list for the past three weeks. Rumours of an English dub. Megumi knew what that would mean for him. New voice actor, new speech mannerisms, a new script to learn, a god-awful American accent and the realisation that his history and motivation for killing the clan would be screwed with... he could live with that.
What he couldn't live with however, was the undeniable fact that if there was a dub, then his beloved Tayuya would end up spouting words only Gohan from the Dragonball Z dub has said in the past twenty years. Words like 'Gosh.'
It was the thought of his beloved Tayuya destroyed in this manner that led Megumi to a train of thought that ended up giving him an idea. If his darling Tayuya was going to be ruined in such a manner, then he would strike a deal with 4Kids.
Half an hour after talking to the 4Kids bosses through a mixture of threats, bribes and Sharingan torture, Megumi had secured a deal with them. Tayuya was going to be allowed to swear... but it would all be bleeped out. Megumi had a plan, however... a very devious plan.
'What do I have to say, Ita-Megumi?'
'You have to say this...'
Megumi whispered something in Tayuya's ear, and they both grinned evilly. Tayuya's evil grin was more evil than Megumi's, though. A sure sign of the fact that those two were perfect for each other.
'Here goes... ****ing ****. ****ing. ****ing ****ing ****. ****ing ****ing.'
'Perfect!'
Tayuya grinned.
'I can't wait to see what they realise they'll end up spelling out in Morse Code!'
Megumi smiled. This was the Tayuya he loved.
#8
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:41 PM
---
Chapter VIII - Final Battle
---
Sasuke arrived at the caravan. Today was Friday once again, and he was back. He had even skipped the murder attempt the previous Friday just so he could get some extra training in. He was a man-er boy on a mission. He had the Chidori. He had the training. He had the Cursed Seal for backup. Now all that he needed to do was kick Itachi's ass.
Sasuke had refused to refer to Itachi by the name his brother had chosen for himself, so that (at least in public) the lies of murdering the entire clan as a test of strength would hold water. He knew it wouldn't be long before the truth came out, though. And he wanted to make sure he had Itachi's head on a spike before that occured. The sooner the better. Like now.
Sasuke would have kicked the door open, but it was still lying there after Kisame had originally knocked it in with his hedgehog sword. Stepping over the remains of the once-proud plastic door that was somehow supposed to keep intruders out, Sasuke looked around for his brother.
He found him standing in the tiny kitchen, fiddling with a strange device on the floor. It looked like a mat of some sort... Twister, perhaps? Was Itachi about to throw a party? Sasuke was loath to interfere with his selfish desire to kill his brother if it would ruin a perfectly good party.
Or perhaps Itachi had invited that Tayuya round? Sasuke knew how much Itachi wanted her. Those letters he had been sent had been... more than descriptive... of that fact.
Some of the letters had been so explicit that Sasuke had been forced to burn the letters and purify the envelopes they had been sent in. If any of that material had gotten into the hands of... well, anyone who wasn't as emotionally crippled as the Uchiha clan was, then the aftereffects on their very soul would be devastating.
'Ah, Foolish Little Brother. I see you have come here once again.'
'Drop the pretences, Itachi. It's just me.'
Sinking into a chair, Megumi grinned.
'I have a test for you, Sasuke. Over there is a footwork game called 'Dee-Dee-Arr.' That's my highest score on the top of the screen over there. If you can't beat that score, you won't be agile enough to kill me.'
'And until I beat that score, I should keep training?'
'Precisely. This will stop us wasting any more of our time than we need to.'
Sasuke read the manual that was on the counter. It all seemed simple enough. Stand on the arrows on the pad when the designated arrow on the screen reached the line. As soon as the song started however, he began having trouble with it.
Five minutes later, and Sasuke staggered over to Itachi and collapsed on the floor.
'Did you get the pictures, Kisame?'
'Yeah, lover-boy. Now all the fangirls of the world will see that their precious 'Sasuke-kun' is nothing but a Dee-Dee-Arr nerd! And a hopeless one at that!'
'...I do wish you would stop calling me 'lover-boy', Kisame. We still have to survive the transition to the dub, and I'm not going to let you make me get chopped due to offensive content.'
Chapter VIII - Final Battle
---
Sasuke arrived at the caravan. Today was Friday once again, and he was back. He had even skipped the murder attempt the previous Friday just so he could get some extra training in. He was a man-er boy on a mission. He had the Chidori. He had the training. He had the Cursed Seal for backup. Now all that he needed to do was kick Itachi's ass.
Sasuke had refused to refer to Itachi by the name his brother had chosen for himself, so that (at least in public) the lies of murdering the entire clan as a test of strength would hold water. He knew it wouldn't be long before the truth came out, though. And he wanted to make sure he had Itachi's head on a spike before that occured. The sooner the better. Like now.
Sasuke would have kicked the door open, but it was still lying there after Kisame had originally knocked it in with his hedgehog sword. Stepping over the remains of the once-proud plastic door that was somehow supposed to keep intruders out, Sasuke looked around for his brother.
He found him standing in the tiny kitchen, fiddling with a strange device on the floor. It looked like a mat of some sort... Twister, perhaps? Was Itachi about to throw a party? Sasuke was loath to interfere with his selfish desire to kill his brother if it would ruin a perfectly good party.
Or perhaps Itachi had invited that Tayuya round? Sasuke knew how much Itachi wanted her. Those letters he had been sent had been... more than descriptive... of that fact.
Some of the letters had been so explicit that Sasuke had been forced to burn the letters and purify the envelopes they had been sent in. If any of that material had gotten into the hands of... well, anyone who wasn't as emotionally crippled as the Uchiha clan was, then the aftereffects on their very soul would be devastating.
'Ah, Foolish Little Brother. I see you have come here once again.'
'Drop the pretences, Itachi. It's just me.'
Sinking into a chair, Megumi grinned.
'I have a test for you, Sasuke. Over there is a footwork game called 'Dee-Dee-Arr.' That's my highest score on the top of the screen over there. If you can't beat that score, you won't be agile enough to kill me.'
'And until I beat that score, I should keep training?'
'Precisely. This will stop us wasting any more of our time than we need to.'
Sasuke read the manual that was on the counter. It all seemed simple enough. Stand on the arrows on the pad when the designated arrow on the screen reached the line. As soon as the song started however, he began having trouble with it.
Five minutes later, and Sasuke staggered over to Itachi and collapsed on the floor.
'Did you get the pictures, Kisame?'
'Yeah, lover-boy. Now all the fangirls of the world will see that their precious 'Sasuke-kun' is nothing but a Dee-Dee-Arr nerd! And a hopeless one at that!'
'...I do wish you would stop calling me 'lover-boy', Kisame. We still have to survive the transition to the dub, and I'm not going to let you make me get chopped due to offensive content.'
#9
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:46 PM
---
Chapter IX - Chapter 9: Leader's Example
---
During the rebuilding of Konoha, the Ninja Academy put the training of new tools (Did I say tools? I meant ninjas) on hold, so that they could help get the village repaired. Now that the entire village was rebuilt, Iruka would have to teach once again. He was not looking forward to this.
It wasn't bad enough that he would he have to put up with a class full of hyperactive children who would have become stronger than they were before the rebuilding (Due to the fact that Konoha has no child labour laws, children were used to do many things, from carrying heavy loads long distances to acting as draught excluders).
It wasn't bad enough that the children would have become used to working this past month, and would probably take time to shut up and listen to his Exciting Ninja Lectures ™ that he had worked so hard to perfect over the past years (Although the years where he was teaching Naruto were disregarded due to the fact Iruka could get no usable data from him).
Oh no. The worst part of it was that he was going to have to teach Konohamaru again. Why the hell did Naruto have to leave behind someone who had turned into a clone of him? His attitude, his clothes, his unhealthy obsession with ramen... all of these he had corrupted Konohamaru with. And then there was Naruto's signature jutsu.
How many times had Konohamaru pulled that one on him? Iruka knew that he was going to have to get Ebisu in to deal with the kid again someday. Ebisu was the only male teacher who could withstand a single Sexy no Jutsu, although he had not fared as well against the Harem no Jutsu.
Iruka prayed to whatever deities had not yet forsaken him that Konohamaru didn't try the Harem move like Naruto had. Ebisu himself had suffered a time-delay rocket nosebleed and was knocked out by the force with which he hit the ground. If he was subjected to that move, Iruka would probably end up in a coma due to massive bloodloss.
Now if only he could utilise the strange ability of Konoha males to produce such massive quantities of blood from the nose. If only he could find a way to use the blood to power a jump or something. The sheer rocket-powered force would be useful, however the certainty of at least having your fighting ability impaired afterwards, if not falling unconscious was a problem.
A mirror. That's what he needed. His desk needed a large mirror he could flip up to expose Konohamaru to Naruto's jutsu. Either that or he could ask Tsunade to put him under a Genjutsu that would make all sexy women appear ugly. That wasn't really a good option, however. If she asked him if it worked and he answered in a way she didn't like...
Sandaime's face would have more than just a mere crack in it, if she punched him in the right direction. Oh well, best to see about a large mirror he could easily conceal later on. Hmm... maybe he could have one hidden behind his blackboard. One spin or button press or whatever, and WHAM! Konohamaru would be laid flat, if not all the males in the class.
Iruka smiled as he entered the classroom and sat down at his desk. Beginning to reel off names, he seemed slightly confused. Why was everyone answering in female voices? Oh no. Risking a glance at his students, Iruka's worst fears were confirmed. Konohamaru had indeed followed through with his plan to teach all the other students the Sexy no Jutsu.
Time seemed to stop, as Iruka suffered a nosebleed beyond any he had ever encountered. Flying backwards, he broke through the blackboard and the wall, landing in Ebisu's class.
'What the-?'
Ebisu looked through the newly-formed hole and soon joined Iruka on the floor, unconscious.
Chapter IX - Chapter 9: Leader's Example
---
During the rebuilding of Konoha, the Ninja Academy put the training of new tools (Did I say tools? I meant ninjas) on hold, so that they could help get the village repaired. Now that the entire village was rebuilt, Iruka would have to teach once again. He was not looking forward to this.
It wasn't bad enough that he would he have to put up with a class full of hyperactive children who would have become stronger than they were before the rebuilding (Due to the fact that Konoha has no child labour laws, children were used to do many things, from carrying heavy loads long distances to acting as draught excluders).
It wasn't bad enough that the children would have become used to working this past month, and would probably take time to shut up and listen to his Exciting Ninja Lectures ™ that he had worked so hard to perfect over the past years (Although the years where he was teaching Naruto were disregarded due to the fact Iruka could get no usable data from him).
Oh no. The worst part of it was that he was going to have to teach Konohamaru again. Why the hell did Naruto have to leave behind someone who had turned into a clone of him? His attitude, his clothes, his unhealthy obsession with ramen... all of these he had corrupted Konohamaru with. And then there was Naruto's signature jutsu.
How many times had Konohamaru pulled that one on him? Iruka knew that he was going to have to get Ebisu in to deal with the kid again someday. Ebisu was the only male teacher who could withstand a single Sexy no Jutsu, although he had not fared as well against the Harem no Jutsu.
Iruka prayed to whatever deities had not yet forsaken him that Konohamaru didn't try the Harem move like Naruto had. Ebisu himself had suffered a time-delay rocket nosebleed and was knocked out by the force with which he hit the ground. If he was subjected to that move, Iruka would probably end up in a coma due to massive bloodloss.
Now if only he could utilise the strange ability of Konoha males to produce such massive quantities of blood from the nose. If only he could find a way to use the blood to power a jump or something. The sheer rocket-powered force would be useful, however the certainty of at least having your fighting ability impaired afterwards, if not falling unconscious was a problem.
A mirror. That's what he needed. His desk needed a large mirror he could flip up to expose Konohamaru to Naruto's jutsu. Either that or he could ask Tsunade to put him under a Genjutsu that would make all sexy women appear ugly. That wasn't really a good option, however. If she asked him if it worked and he answered in a way she didn't like...
Sandaime's face would have more than just a mere crack in it, if she punched him in the right direction. Oh well, best to see about a large mirror he could easily conceal later on. Hmm... maybe he could have one hidden behind his blackboard. One spin or button press or whatever, and WHAM! Konohamaru would be laid flat, if not all the males in the class.
Iruka smiled as he entered the classroom and sat down at his desk. Beginning to reel off names, he seemed slightly confused. Why was everyone answering in female voices? Oh no. Risking a glance at his students, Iruka's worst fears were confirmed. Konohamaru had indeed followed through with his plan to teach all the other students the Sexy no Jutsu.
Time seemed to stop, as Iruka suffered a nosebleed beyond any he had ever encountered. Flying backwards, he broke through the blackboard and the wall, landing in Ebisu's class.
'What the-?'
Ebisu looked through the newly-formed hole and soon joined Iruka on the floor, unconscious.
#10
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:48 PM
---
Chapter X - Bit Part
---
Over in a certain classroom in a certain village, a certain teacher was busy swearing. It was lucky for Ebisu that there was nobody around to hear his torrent of verbal insults, or he would be out of a job before he could say 'Naruto you bastard!'
You see, Ebisu was angry with Naruto. That is, the series. Because Ebisu is the only person in the entire series who knows the truth. The anime isn't real. They're all actors, but they have to wear special virtual reality helmets that make them forget about the real world. While they're acting, at least.
Ebisu however, remembers. Oh yes. He remembers how his agent landed him a job playing one of the teachers of an important character. He didn't realise until much later that his agent had meant Konohamaru, and not Naruto. In a way, Ebisu was thankful. He didn't think he would be able to cope with working with Naruto's actor as often as the man who played Jiraiya could.
Perhaps it was the MindSlaver ™ machines. Perhaps it was natural stupidity on both their parts. Who knows? But the fact remained that when they took those helmets off, all manner of memories came back to the actors. And especially to Naruto and Jiraiya. You see, in real life those two hate each other.
The other actors themselves are pretty mixed-up as well, but Ebisu is the only one who can remember. Why, you ask? Because Ebisu broke his MindSlaver ™. On purpose? Nah. Ebisu's actor is just a clumsy fool. But it is that aspect of himself that has allowed him to see the truth. All anime has been made this way for the last twenty years.
And besides, the entire script has been written down. Only when they have the helmets on, can the actors remember the script. So many twists and turns to the plot. So many fights and deaths. Ebisu's mission is to steal the entire script.
Why? So he can ruin the entire plot for children all over the world! Whenever he thinks of this (frighteningly) endearing future mischief, Ebisu gives his best impression of the Kefka Laugh (also TM). If you ask me, Ebisu is insane. The only reason he was cut out of future episodes is because his part of the script was destroyed along with his MindSlaver ™. The entire script was rewritten without him.
Thanks to his clumsiness, if he ever does manage to steal and distribute the script to children on a global scale, his character won't be remembered. What an idiot.
Chapter X - Bit Part
---
Over in a certain classroom in a certain village, a certain teacher was busy swearing. It was lucky for Ebisu that there was nobody around to hear his torrent of verbal insults, or he would be out of a job before he could say 'Naruto you bastard!'
You see, Ebisu was angry with Naruto. That is, the series. Because Ebisu is the only person in the entire series who knows the truth. The anime isn't real. They're all actors, but they have to wear special virtual reality helmets that make them forget about the real world. While they're acting, at least.
Ebisu however, remembers. Oh yes. He remembers how his agent landed him a job playing one of the teachers of an important character. He didn't realise until much later that his agent had meant Konohamaru, and not Naruto. In a way, Ebisu was thankful. He didn't think he would be able to cope with working with Naruto's actor as often as the man who played Jiraiya could.
Perhaps it was the MindSlaver ™ machines. Perhaps it was natural stupidity on both their parts. Who knows? But the fact remained that when they took those helmets off, all manner of memories came back to the actors. And especially to Naruto and Jiraiya. You see, in real life those two hate each other.
The other actors themselves are pretty mixed-up as well, but Ebisu is the only one who can remember. Why, you ask? Because Ebisu broke his MindSlaver ™. On purpose? Nah. Ebisu's actor is just a clumsy fool. But it is that aspect of himself that has allowed him to see the truth. All anime has been made this way for the last twenty years.
And besides, the entire script has been written down. Only when they have the helmets on, can the actors remember the script. So many twists and turns to the plot. So many fights and deaths. Ebisu's mission is to steal the entire script.
Why? So he can ruin the entire plot for children all over the world! Whenever he thinks of this (frighteningly) endearing future mischief, Ebisu gives his best impression of the Kefka Laugh (also TM). If you ask me, Ebisu is insane. The only reason he was cut out of future episodes is because his part of the script was destroyed along with his MindSlaver ™. The entire script was rewritten without him.
Thanks to his clumsiness, if he ever does manage to steal and distribute the script to children on a global scale, his character won't be remembered. What an idiot.
#11
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:52 PM
---
Chapter XI - Beyond The Grave
---
As he sat in the stomach of the Death God, the ex-Sandaime of Konoha sighed miserably. Had he known what was going to happen to him on that fateful day last month, he would never have used the last remnants of his chakra to peep on the women in the bathhouse one last time. He shuddered as he remembered what he had seen there...
---
'It ends here, Sa-ru-to-bi-sensei.'
Orochimaru was standing there, ugly as usual. The ex-Akatsuki member and part-time kiddy-fiddler was just stood there looking smug. Either that or constipated. The Sandaime couldn't tell. Personally, all he was concerned with at the moment was the annoying way his ex-student said his name.
'I know my name has four syllables, Orochimaru. You don't have to separate each one when you say my name.'
Orochimaru grinned. This was his old sensei, alright. From the Sandaime to Jiraiya, from Jiraiya to the Yondaime, from Yondaime to Kakashi, from Kakashi to Naruto... a long line of perverts and peepers. Along with that obvious personality flaw that they all shared, there was another as well...
'I see you still have that sense of humour, Sa-ru-to-bi-sensei.'
Little did Orochimaru know it, but every time someone separates the syllables in the Sandaime's name, God kills a character with a tragic past. Sarutobi had to stop Orochimaru soon or Naruto, Sasuke, Neji, Lee, Gaara... well, since every character in the script seems to have had some form of tragic past, they would all die eventually.
And if they died, Sarutobi would have to look for another job. There aren't many jobs open for actors that warty these days. Little did he know that his fading libido would be the death of him... literally.
---
Fast forward due to several episodes full of nothing happening... except for twenty counts of 'Sa-ru-to-bi-sensei.'
---
All of a sudden, twenty unimportant Cloud ninjas with tragic pasts died in over-the-top ways. Six tripped and fell onto kunai, five were ripped apart by their own summoned creatures, four died while having an orgy, three exploded for no apparent reason, and the last two read their parts of the script and died of heart attacks several seconds after reading that they were going to die of heart attacks.
---
Back at the battle that had been going on for so long that both combatants could have claimed Squatter's Rights...
---
The small group of Anbu members had long since got bored and buggered off, and the Sandaime had just knackered Orochimaru's arms up. While he was busy reciting the speech he had memorised earlier from the back of a box of All-Bran, Sarutobi was using a jutsu that Jiraiya, of all people, had taught him.
Back when the Sandaime was younger and hadn't had fifty thousand strokes from having to deal with Konohamaru's relentless ambushes and Naruto's pranks, Jiraiya had taught his sensei this jutsu as a joke. You see, it is a Ninjutsu and a Genjutsu combined as one.
The Ninjutsu side of the jutsu allows the user's mind to 'see' anywhere within a five-mile radius, as per normal spying jutsus... with the added advantage that all females appear naked. The Genjutsu side of the jutsu tricks the user's mind into 'seeing' the naked women as fat, sweaty, naked men called Bubba.
Poor Sarutobi ended up accidentally finding Gai and Anko having sex... but because of the jutsu, it looked like Gai was humping someone too fat and sweaty to get a job as a plumber. The shock was too much for the old man, and his heart exploded.
---
'Cut!' shouted Kakashi. Gai kept on humping Anko, oblivious to what his rival had just said. As Gai sped up, Kakashi realised what was going on.
'What do you think, Kurenai? Perhaps an 'Ultimate Spirited Ninja Couple - Extreme Edition' DVD is in order?'
Chapter XI - Beyond The Grave
---
As he sat in the stomach of the Death God, the ex-Sandaime of Konoha sighed miserably. Had he known what was going to happen to him on that fateful day last month, he would never have used the last remnants of his chakra to peep on the women in the bathhouse one last time. He shuddered as he remembered what he had seen there...
---
'It ends here, Sa-ru-to-bi-sensei.'
Orochimaru was standing there, ugly as usual. The ex-Akatsuki member and part-time kiddy-fiddler was just stood there looking smug. Either that or constipated. The Sandaime couldn't tell. Personally, all he was concerned with at the moment was the annoying way his ex-student said his name.
'I know my name has four syllables, Orochimaru. You don't have to separate each one when you say my name.'
Orochimaru grinned. This was his old sensei, alright. From the Sandaime to Jiraiya, from Jiraiya to the Yondaime, from Yondaime to Kakashi, from Kakashi to Naruto... a long line of perverts and peepers. Along with that obvious personality flaw that they all shared, there was another as well...
'I see you still have that sense of humour, Sa-ru-to-bi-sensei.'
Little did Orochimaru know it, but every time someone separates the syllables in the Sandaime's name, God kills a character with a tragic past. Sarutobi had to stop Orochimaru soon or Naruto, Sasuke, Neji, Lee, Gaara... well, since every character in the script seems to have had some form of tragic past, they would all die eventually.
And if they died, Sarutobi would have to look for another job. There aren't many jobs open for actors that warty these days. Little did he know that his fading libido would be the death of him... literally.
---
Fast forward due to several episodes full of nothing happening... except for twenty counts of 'Sa-ru-to-bi-sensei.'
---
All of a sudden, twenty unimportant Cloud ninjas with tragic pasts died in over-the-top ways. Six tripped and fell onto kunai, five were ripped apart by their own summoned creatures, four died while having an orgy, three exploded for no apparent reason, and the last two read their parts of the script and died of heart attacks several seconds after reading that they were going to die of heart attacks.
---
Back at the battle that had been going on for so long that both combatants could have claimed Squatter's Rights...
---
The small group of Anbu members had long since got bored and buggered off, and the Sandaime had just knackered Orochimaru's arms up. While he was busy reciting the speech he had memorised earlier from the back of a box of All-Bran, Sarutobi was using a jutsu that Jiraiya, of all people, had taught him.
Back when the Sandaime was younger and hadn't had fifty thousand strokes from having to deal with Konohamaru's relentless ambushes and Naruto's pranks, Jiraiya had taught his sensei this jutsu as a joke. You see, it is a Ninjutsu and a Genjutsu combined as one.
The Ninjutsu side of the jutsu allows the user's mind to 'see' anywhere within a five-mile radius, as per normal spying jutsus... with the added advantage that all females appear naked. The Genjutsu side of the jutsu tricks the user's mind into 'seeing' the naked women as fat, sweaty, naked men called Bubba.
Poor Sarutobi ended up accidentally finding Gai and Anko having sex... but because of the jutsu, it looked like Gai was humping someone too fat and sweaty to get a job as a plumber. The shock was too much for the old man, and his heart exploded.
---
'Cut!' shouted Kakashi. Gai kept on humping Anko, oblivious to what his rival had just said. As Gai sped up, Kakashi realised what was going on.
'What do you think, Kurenai? Perhaps an 'Ultimate Spirited Ninja Couple - Extreme Edition' DVD is in order?'
#12
Blayze
-
- Missing Nin
-
- 2,015 posts
Godaime|Erokage-sama
- Gender:Male
- Location:Yorkshire, England
Posted 27 September 2004 - 10:55 PM
---
Chapter XII - Sexual No Jutsu
---
There are thousands upon thousands of ninja techniques in the world, and Jiraiya is a master at discovering ones that have a secondary purpose... a sexual purpose. Let's read a few of his notes, shall we?
---
Intelligence Gathering - Konoha Perverts Guild
Subject - Konoha Genins - Sexually Useful Jutsus---
Case Study #1 - Shino
Subject possesses no sexual nature whatsoever. Could probably fill partner's body with bugs for constant sexual stimulation.
Case Study #2 - Kiba
Subject possesses violent canine nature. Could use Beast Clone technique to turn dog into human form for sexual acts together or with others. Could potentially rut for hours.
Case Study #3 - Shikamaru
Subject possesses no desire to do anything. Could use Shadow technique to force others into sexual acts, rather than bothering to do it himself.
Case Study #4 - Naruto
Subject possesses great skill with Kage Bunshin and perverted Henge dubbed 'Sexy No Jutsu'. Kyuubi-granted stamina may allow for extended periods of sexual intercourse. If Kyuubi takes over, sex acts would become hundreds of times more violent. And it doesn't take a genius like myself to spot what the Kage Bunshin is useful for...
Case Study #5 - Ino
Subject displays controlling nature. Could use Mind Transfer technique to force others to have sex with her body.
Case Study #6 - Hinata
Subject displays immense shyness. Can use Byakugan to see pressure points that might enhance sexual pleasure.
Case Study #7 - Tenten
Subject possesses no skill other than weapons. Subject could well become a dominatrix later in life.
Case Study #8 - Sakura
Subject possesses powerful intellect. Intellect may be used to imagine new positions. Subject seems quite... flexible.
Case Study #9 - Neji
Subject does not believe in choice. As #6, could use Byakugan to pinpoint pressure points in partner's body.
Case Study #10 - Chouji
Subject is able to increase the size of any body part. Can use special family pills to turn body fat into energy and chakra, to help keep going.
Case Study #11 - Lee
Subject possesses great skill with Taijutsu. Could potentially thrust harder and faster than any other Genin.
Case Study #12 - Sasuke
Subject displays egocentric behaviour patterns. Subject seems obsessed with older brother. Suspect revenge is used as an excuse for incestuous lusts. Subject possesses impossibly small-
---
'Ero-sennin!'
Jiraiya looked up from his writing, coming face-to-face with Naruto.
'What, kid?'
Naruto grinned, and spoke.
'Tsunade-baachan is looking for you. She found those pictures of her in the hot spring that you took.'
Just remembering the photographs in question caused Jiraiya's nose to dribble blood. However, he quickly came back to reality when Tsunade burst through the door, with various sharp implements in her hands.
'Jiraiya... it's punishment time...'
Jiraiya's screams could be heard all across Konoha for the next few hours.
Chapter XII - Sexual No Jutsu
---
There are thousands upon thousands of ninja techniques in the world, and Jiraiya is a master at discovering ones that have a secondary purpose... a sexual purpose. Let's read a few of his notes, shall we?
---
Intelligence Gathering - Konoha Perverts Guild
Subject - Konoha Genins - Sexually Useful Jutsus---
Case Study #1 - Shino
Subject possesses no sexual nature whatsoever. Could probably fill partner's body with bugs for constant sexual stimulation.
Case Study #2 - Kiba
Subject possesses violent canine nature. Could use Beast Clone technique to turn dog into human form for sexual acts together or with others. Could potentially rut for hours.
Case Study #3 - Shikamaru
Subject possesses no desire to do anything. Could use Shadow technique to force others into sexual acts, rather than bothering to do it himself.
Case Study #4 - Naruto
Subject possesses great skill with Kage Bunshin and perverted Henge dubbed 'Sexy No Jutsu'. Kyuubi-granted stamina may allow for extended periods of sexual intercourse. If Kyuubi takes over, sex acts would become hundreds of times more violent. And it doesn't take a genius like myself to spot what the Kage Bunshin is useful for...
Case Study #5 - Ino
Subject displays controlling nature. Could use Mind Transfer technique to force others to have sex with her body.
Case Study #6 - Hinata
Subject displays immense shyness. Can use Byakugan to see pressure points that might enhance sexual pleasure.
Case Study #7 - Tenten
Subject possesses no skill other than weapons. Subject could well become a dominatrix later in life.
Case Study #8 - Sakura
Subject possesses powerful intellect. Intellect may be used to imagine new positions. Subject seems quite... flexible.
Case Study #9 - Neji
Subject does not believe in choice. As #6, could use Byakugan to pinpoint pressure points in partner's body.
Case Study #10 - Chouji
Subject is able to increase the size of any body part. Can use special family pills to turn body fat into energy and chakra, to help keep going.
Case Study #11 - Lee
Subject possesses great skill with Taijutsu. Could potentially thrust harder and faster than any other Genin.
Case Study #12 - Sasuke
Subject displays egocentric behaviour patterns. Subject seems obsessed with older brother. Suspect revenge is used as an excuse for incestuous lusts. Subject possesses impossibly small-
---
'Ero-sennin!'
Jiraiya looked up from his writing, coming face-to-face with Naruto.
'What, kid?'
Naruto grinned, and spoke.
'Tsunade-baachan is looking for you. She found those pictures of her in the hot spring that you took.'
Just remembering the photographs in question caused Jiraiya's nose to dribble blood. However, he quickly came back to reality when Tsunade burst through the door, with various sharp implements in her hands.
'Jiraiya... it's punishment time...'
Jiraiya's screams could be heard all across Konoha for the next few hours.
1 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users
