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[Kunai Poetry]

A few dislikes, and I apologize if any of these besmirch your favorite tropes:

1) Harems. The mark of the virgin fanboy who hasn't a clue how real relationships work, they're a boil on the butt of Naruto fanfiction. I'm sure there's a good harem story out there (I'm told Chunin Exam Day might be one), but I refuse to start something based on an insta-fail idea. The most dreaded words in Naruto fanfiction (even more so than Naruto saying to Sasuke, "I wish I knew how to quit you, man") are: "A/N: I've decided to make this a harem fic."

2) 12 year old canon-like Naruto finding himself in a consensual physical relationship. This is a series where adult men pass out from explosive nose bleeds at seeing a sliver of flesh. Canon Naruto is completely oblivious to sexuality and was neglected his whole childhood. He's not going to initiate hugs and caresses and instantly want to play tonsil hockey with the Hyuga heiress.

3) Redo or AU fics where 100k words are written, yet nothing changes. I just put down a story that presumed that the 3rd did the sealing and not the 4th, a mildly interesting concept. Then the 4th goes on to raise Naruto in his home, allows him to call him "Dad," and treats him as a son, yet they pretend to the outside world that Naruto is an orphan. Basically all events then proceed as according to canon up to the battle at the Valley of the End. It's weak, lazy storytelling; not every story is this bad, granted, but why, if Naruto's been put on an entirely separate team, is it necessary that he be led through the Zabuza/Haku arc?

4) Authors who don't respect the characters. This includes bashing, caricatures, and over-the-top behavior. Sakura doesn't punch Naruto through a wall every time she sees him. Naruto doesn't eat 294 bowls of ramen in a sitting. The Professor, God of Shinobi, doesn't suddenly act as if he's got an IQ of 60. Hiashi doesn't beat Hinata to within an inch of her life every night. Anko doesn't dry-hump Naruto every time she sees him. Jiraiya isn't a hippie. Kakashi isn't a pot-head. Tsunade doesn't spread her legs for cash. No, no, no.

5) Instant power-ups. Whether it's kindly Kyuubi rearranging his brain, the awakening of an uber-powerful bloodline, Naruto deciding to change overnight to become more scholarly and gifted than Sarutobi, or the Shinigami gracing him above all mortals, the device is tired and cheap. Naruto is already potentially the strongest ninja in the world and he's willing to work hard to protect his precious people. If he's given more without effort, it cheapens it.

6) Good Kyuubi, particularly when she spends most of her time shapeshifted into a buxom succubus with knowledge of every jutsu created by man and a thing for pubescent blondes. Calling Kyuubi "good" is like saying Anton Chigurh was merely "misunderstood."

7) Insta-romance. "Hi, Hinata. You've been watching me train all day?" "Uh-uh, y-yes, N-Naruto." "You know, you have really pretty eyes." Glomp. "Take me now you gorgeous hunk of man meat!"

8) Songfics. I believe this is why they invented the frappe setting on the blender (i.e., kill it with kitchen implements).

Again, I apologize if I offend anyone with my dislikes.