It really shouldn't matter what you ship in order to be part of this community or continue to have friendships from here. If those friendships really mean anything they'll survive you changing ships. And heck, if you ship NH one day and go back to NS the next, that's not betraying anything, not yourself and not this community. It's just multi-shipping. Ships don't actually matter beyond the enjoyment they give you.
Again, we don't really know each other well, but I wish you all the best with what you're dealing with IRL. You may have made mistakes here, but it sounds like you want to aim to be better and kinder that's all any of us can really do.