My New NS Fanfic

Do you want a review left here or on the story itself? I already want to know more about this Chris Lynheart series so going to have to find that and read it. There were some really strong paragraphs, though after I finished reading I had a couple of suggestions as well.

Either place is fine. The second Chris Lynheart book is nearing completion, or at least the rough draft. You'll be able to find it on Amazon or Barns n Noble. But be warned...I wrote the first book when I was in high school, so it's not going to be the best book you'll ever read lol

And sure. I'm open to suggestions. I'm writing this as just for fun, and a way to become more familiar with my own inventions. But the characters from Chris Lynheart are just slightly OOC here. Not much, though.

Edited by Dalton.T.R, 12 September 2017 - 01:51 PM.

I'll do it here:

Excellence: Scene Setting

1: For chapter one especially, the strongest parts of the story was the laying out of the setting. You could even cross out "The sight was breathtaking", when describing the Land of the Unknown with the P.O.V. you use, simply because the words that establish the setting do that for you. The world building in general is well done, really bringing visuals to life with words.

Uncertain: Chapter Hook

1: The First Chapter always needs to have a strong pull. A lot of stage setting summary occurs instead. This works well in chapter 2 and 3. I think chapter one though could benefit from something more to draw in, perhaps a small snippet of the months prior that has relevance, before moving forward. This sort of beginning would set the stage that your later summary conveys by telling.

2: The acute is very clear, and I can tell it is plot driven. I am less certain on what the chronic tensions are. The relationships between each character seem well to do, and I note Naruto's chakra loss, and while it's immediately made clear, Naruto is quickly rewarded for his will pages later with a promotion on it. This may have been in the prequel, but we also don't see any of these fights they struggle in, which I think is a missed opportunity to really play up Naruto's loss of chakra, which has potential to fulfill that missing chronic tension element, particularly since he's rather humble about it, so to me it -suggests- that this is a big issue, if not the loss, the impact of his effectiveness. You could play it up further and have it play into doubts about manliness.

Uncertain Nitpicks: Diction

1: "Crayola Crayon", is an interesting descriptor that works well but also is risky, if one does not know what a Crayola crayon is, the power is lost, and it is also can come across as a jarring real world detail that might be out of place if Crayola doesn't exist in your world. But I will say it is a really good phrase.

Criticism: Dialogue

1: There's a lot of dialogue tags, and in another part, there's a lack thereof, which will usually work better.

More effective:

(Sakura narrowed her eyes and playfully punched Naruto's shoulder, "Jerk! That was the wrong answer!"). Action, then dialogue. This is good dialogue use.

Though quick Nitpick: Narrowed her eyes doesn't give much, it's one of those tired phrases you have to challenge yourself to replace with something else. If nothing works, use the phrase sparingly. Furrowed Brows and "Nodded" also fall under this.

Less Efffective:

"Okay, sorry! I just didn't know the word, that's all." Naruto pouted. You could get rid of the tag altogether, or show Naruto how he pouted instead, with it as an action flowing before the dialogue, like the above.

That said, some of the dialogue tagged sentences are fine and help quicken the flow, especially with many speakers.

Comments: I think this is a good start. The World Building is excellent, and continuing more of that to touch on details as they arise will continue to really add to your story. The dialogue could use visitation to bring it more to life at parts. I didn't touch on characters much, but I think the non-main characters, the Admiral for example, could use a touch more detail so as to not risk the portrayal of typical harsh military leader. Bringing out their defeats, maybe a show of the lost battle would not only add emphasis on the chronic drivers, but also character empathy, and add a bit more info on the world at the same time.

Thanks for the feedback.

Yeah, a lot of this story relies on the reader having read the first part of the story, as well as Sakura's Diary, though I never finished that one. The first chapter was written a long time ago, almost the better part of a year, and I wasn't able to pick it up again until recently, which didn't do the story any favors.

I'll be showing just how dangerous the Atlassians are in future chapters, and the Admiral will come into play later on as well. But he's a extremely strong character in this story, so I'll be using him sparingly.

As for the dialogue, this is the way I've always written. But my writing evolves all the time, so I'm bound to stop using phrases like you mentioned at some point or another. I try to paint a picture while I'm writing in a manner of speaking, and I keep chapters to ten pages or less on Microsoft word.

There will be plenty of dialogue heavy scenes later on when Naruto and Sakura meet the governors of the city states and speak to Atlassians in their travels. It's not only going to be a battle to get across the country itself, but you read how hostile Atlassians are to outsiders with the town watch. Trying to convence Atlassian gate guards to let them into the cities in the future isn't going to be easy. Especially when they reach Carnivore faction controlled cities.

And the Chris Lynheart characters (Chris, Jessica, Night Hawk and anyone else who isn't from Naruto with the exception of Alvis) are all a little ooc in this story. But they have to be in order to fit the plot.

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