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[Blayze]

---
Chapter I - Familiar Beginnings
---

'My name is Hero. A month ago I was just a farmer's son, but now I am famous. This is my story. I used to live in a quiet farming village on the west continent, until that fateful day when all I knew was wiped out in a flash...'

---

It was dawn in the Village of Beginning. Nobody knew why it was called that, since it wasn't the first village to be created. The inhabitants were just waking up and going about their daily business. Nobody seemed to notice that time would stand still unless Hero was outside of the village, nor that six hours could pass in a matter of minutes.

Hero was already out of his house by now, running and jumping around the place with all the energetic movements of a Level 1 Generic Character's controls being tested out. He turned a corner and saw his best friend, Hero's Friend.

'Hi Hero! Here for your daily exercise?'

'I suppose, if I must...'

'It's really easy! Let's start small. Press the 'A' button to jump!'

'Button?'

'Just do it!'

Hero thought that Hero's Friend had finally cracked, and so he turned to leave. But he just couldn't do it. Every time he was about ten metres from Hero's Friend, he would automatically stop moving and turn to face him. It didn't take long for him to give up and return.

He walked back over to Hero's Friend and thought about pressing a button marked 'A'. He could swear he had the mental image of the words 'Dual Shock' as he did so, and for no apparent reason, jumped.

'Very good! Now let's see you climb that tree over there. Just jump into it and you'll grab onto the trunk.'

It was at this point that a huge object suddenly appeared and blocked out the sky. On it was written an ancient inscription:

Game Paused

Resume Game

Load Game

Options

Controls

Help

Quit Game

A smaller, white pointy object appeared along with it and stabbed the part of the object that read 'Load Game', as a deep voice made itself be heard.

'Glad I saved after this damn intro sequence last time.'

Whoever was behind the voice didn't hear the screams of the villagers as they were wiped from existance and replaced with exact copies of them, but in a tiny cave in a large mountain range, Strange Hermit knew of what had transpired.

'I feel a great disturbance in the game. It sounded like almost twenty people cried out in terror... and were suddenly silenced.'

Back in the village however, the copies had no idea of the purge that had just happened.

'Looks like that's your morning exercises finished. I think you'd better get to your dad's farm. Old Guy is there too, and I think he wants to talk to you.'

Hero turned and walked through the village towards the entrance. Although the village had no walls or any other form of defensive structure, there was some form of invisible barrier all around it that prevented the monsters all around from entering without a special Plot Permit, and that prevented Hero from leaving except by a small hole in the barrier where a path had been created. A path that ended at the edge of the village for no apparent reason.

Within seconds he was at the farm, and was the only person there apart from Old Guy. Old Guy was a bit of a harmless old fool, but he sometimes rambled on about such crazy notions as 'Destiny', 'Power' and 'Justice'. Most people ignored him.

'Hey Hero, I got something for you!'

'What is it?'

'This is from me.'

Party gained Item: Steel Sword.

---

Tutorial: Equipping Items

'Equipping items is very simple. Select Equip from the menu, select your character and choose one of the items from the list. If it is equippable, your character will dance a funny little dance. If it cannot be equipped, your character will flip you off.'

---

'A sword! Where'd you get it from?'

'I travelled south.'

'But... aren't there dangerous beasts all around the village?'

'I used this.'

Party gained Item: Monster-Go-Away Spray.

'Nice one.'

'What's that on the horizon?'

Hero turned to look towards the south as pure magical energy surged past the mountain range towards the village.

'This can't be good.'

As the magical energy struck the middle of the village, Hero breathed in. There was silence for a moment as nothing happened, until...

The entire village was set on fire. The flames had circled the village and created a wall of fire, heat and smoke that nobody inside could penetrate. As Hero and Old Guy looked on in horror, the entire village exploded into fragments and was magically eroded into nothing in a matter of seconds.

'NOO! MY BELOVED PEASANT VILLAGE!'

'Calm yourself, Hero. There was nothing either of us could do.'

'But... everyone... dead...'

'We must head south to investigate the cause of the energy. Only then can we hope to find answers, and perhaps revenge.'

'I feel as if my exposure to the faded effects of magic has somehow made me stronger.'

'It will do that to you.'

---

Tutorial: Magic Resistance

'Every time a magic spell is cast upon you, you will become more resistant to that particular spell as well as more resistant to magic as a whole.'

'See this screen? It states you have 1 Magic Experience Point. When you get 100 MEPs, you will go up 1 Magic Resistance Level. There are a total of 100 MRLs, with each Level conferring 1% Magic Resistance to your character. Every time a particular spell is cast upon you, you will also become more resistant to that element, or in the case of non-elemental spells, you will get no extra bonus.'

'There are 100 Element Experience points to each Element Level, and there are 100 ELs. The same goes for Spell Experience Points and Spell Levels. If your total MRL plus your EL and SL for a particular spell exceed 100, then any damage it would do to you is disregarded and you instead absorb some of the magical power as your own.'

[Blayze]

---
Chapter II - The Quest Begins!... not that they know what it is yet.
---

'Random battles, the bane of every adventurer's life. Such a pity the creatures we encountered were going to get uglier and harder...'

---

As Hero and Old Man travelled south, Hero had a nagging feeling that they were being watched. He looked around but couldn't find any signs of anyone else being there.

'Just relax Hero. It's just the Player.'

'Player?'

'Yes. Legend has it that a great being who is able to view all of our various strengths and weaknesses as numerical figures and customise precisely how we will advance in skill and such.'

'This is confusing.'

'Don't speak of it right now. If he knew we knew what he knows, he would then know enough of what we know to try and stop us. Clear?'

'Thank god for subtitl- ouch!'

'What is it?'

'I crashed into an exclamation mark.'

'Heh. As for the Player, he has something akin to a Scrying Ball that he can use. There it is, flying through the air.'

Old Guy pointed to a small orb that was hovering in the distance in front of the pair. Thinking this was part of the game, the Player made the Scrying Ball turn around to see what he was pointing at. Confused at the lack of anything specific, he focused his attention on the party again.

And so they travelled south, as that was the direction the highly destructive spell had come from. But they were no more than fifty yards from the village when they were plucked from the world and placed on a rectangular platform which looked grassy.

A strange yellow blob was barring their way. As they stared at it, it seemed to be constantly moving.

'It's time for battle. Use the sword!'

'What I don't get is why the background is grassy when we were travelling through mud.'

'Stop complaining Hero and fight!'

Another strange menu had just appeared and hung off the edge of the platform. It read:

->Attack ->Hero 10/10 5/5 Normal (Chaos 0%)

Magic Old Guy 8/ 8 7/7 Normal (Chaos 0%)

Item

'What's THAT?'

'That is the Action Menu. The Player uses it to tell us what to do.'

As he spoke, Hero lurched forward with his sword held high, before bringing it crashing down on the blob. A number hovered in the air above them both.

'3?'

'That's how much damage you've done. If memory serves, Yellow Blobs have 9 HP.'

'What now?'

'Now it's my move.'

Sure enough, the -> symbol on the far left of the menu moved down to 'Magic'. A new screen appeared with the same symbol, and Old Guy watched as it chose...

'Good choice. Stand back Hero.'

Old Guy began to draw a strange pattern in the air with his little fingers, chanting in a long-dead language. As he slowed down drawing the invisible pattern, he slowed his chanting too.

'Aw, to hell with this. All it does is waste time. WATER MAGIC, Level 1!'

---

Tutorial: Basic Spellcasting

Casting spells in this story is slightly more complicated than your average Final Fantasy game. You don't learn spells from Materia, or Draw them from your enemies. You don't master them from having Espers equipped, nor do you buy them from stores which should have exploded years ago from over-exposure to destructive magic.

There are no spells like Fire 2 or Ultima here. Instead, there is a basic system called Elements. The most your average Final Fantasy player has heard of elements is usually Fire, Water, Air, Earth or Fire, Ice, Lightning, Earth. This story is here to change all that.

You have your basic familiar elements:

Fire, Water, Air, Earth. Now for the more tricky part. Each element can be combined with other elements EXCEPT its exact opposite. So Fire and Air can be merged, but Air and Earth cannot. The simple fact is that the two energies would negate each other and have bugger all effect.

Fire and Air combined makes Storm magic.

Fire and Earth combined make Magma magic.

Water and Air combined makes Hail magic.

Water and Earth combined makes Ice magic.

The fact that I will probably never actually bother to use merged spells is a moot point. Regardless, I have inserted it anyway to make this story appear less like a Final Fantasy ripoff to anyone petty enough to attempt suing me. But I digress. As for actually casting spells in this story, each spell has several levels that the caster can only get to use once they have used a spell five times at the level below.

Why five times? Because that means I could have each character in the party cast each different spell four times, meaning I wouldn't have to bother implementing spells at Level 2. This would, however, mean that I would have to come up with god-only-knows how many blocked boss attacks, crappy bosses that fight at a lower level to 'test your strength' and other bad situations like people going down to 1 HP only to kick more ass than they ever did before.

The higher the level, the more powerful the spell and the more MP it costs. Unmerged spells cost 1MP/Level, while Merged spells cost 2MP/Level. Mmm... you can almost smell the 'Damn. If I only had 1 more MP I could annihilate you in an instant, Hero!' scenarios I could include (Could, and probably will).

Where was I? Ah yes, the fight. Just to remind you of what happened, I'll replay the last few seconds of the battle because the Tutorial's been on for so long you've forgotten what was happening.

---

'WATER MAGIC, Level 1!'

Attack Hero 10/10 5/5 Normal (Chaos 0%)

->Magic ->Old Guy 8/ 8 6/7 Normal (Chaos 0%)

Item

'This seems somehow familiar...'

A steady stream of bubbles flew out of Old Guy's palms and floated slowly towards the Yellow Blob. For some strange reason, it didn't bother dodging. It just sat there and absorbed the full impact of the Water magic. Both Hero and Old Guy were silent as the number appeared over the Blob's head.

'Yes! 6!'

The Blob began to dissolve into nothing as some strange music played.

'Am I hearing things?'

'Quick! Perform some kind of cool pose!'

As Old Guy folded his arms and nodded with his eyes closed, Hero just stood there confused. Then he knew what to do. He yanked his sword up and over his head, aiming for the scabbard that had somehow appeared on his back. He misjudged the sheathing action and accidentally stabbed himself in the ass. The number 1 appeared over his head.

Hero 9/10 5/5 Normal (Chaos 0%)

Old Guy 8/ 8 6/7 Normal (Chaos 0%)

'Great. If the enemies don't kill you, you'll do it yourself.'

The world began to swirl like the water in a toilet when you pull the chain, and both Hero and Old Guy were deposited back where they were before this inane battle began.

'Why do the creatures attack us?'

'Some say they hate humans. Others say they hate everybody. I think there's some kind of evil force behind them.'

'You say there's an evil force behind everything. Do you remember when you thought that bull was a demonic cow?'

'Easy mistake to make.'

Neither of them noticed the Demonic Kitten ™ that stalked them.

[Blayze]

---
Chapter III - Taking The Plunge
---

'The city of Plot Movement. Not the best place to be, as we were soon to find out...'

---

Hero and Old Guy made their way south, past the Valley Of Time-Consuming Cutscenes and the Bloke Who Wants Item That Can Only Be Found In The Desert Of A Thousand Deaths, until they reached the city of Plot Movement.

By this time, they had fought in a total of seven battles. The latest fight, this time against a Rabid Animal (It didn't specify which species) had left them injured and in need of rest. They didn't need to sleep for some reason, even though they had been travelling and fighting for a few days.

As they reached the gates of the city, they froze in place. The only person who was able to speak was the Player.

'Aw nuts. ANOTHER cutscene?'

Everyone looked on as out of nowhere, several people appeared and walked past Hero and Old Guy, before going into the city.

'Who was that?'

'No idea. Let's just get some rest inside.'

They walked up to the gates, but were stopped by a pair of guards.

'Nobody may enter.'

'Why not?'

'Nobody may enter.'

'But we need to-'

'Nobody may enter.'

'Riiight. YOU'RE a lot of help. Any luck, Old Guy?'

'Listen you monotone excuse for a bunch of pixels! If you don't let us in RIGHT NOW, I'm going to remove that helmet of yours and use the decoration to castrate you! AM I UNDERSTOOD?'

'Nobody may enter.'

'Bollocks to this. Let's find another way in.'

With that, they started walking around the walls to find a way in. They had already passed the other side, and were walking towards the gate again, when Hero spotted something.

'Look! A sewer grate!'

'And you expect me to go down there? My old bones aren't meant for damp places!'

'Just shut up and climb down!'

Mumbling about rude teenagers, Old Guy climbed down into the sewer. Hero dropped down beside him.

'Which way now?'

'Well, I think we should head towards the overpowering stench of rotting food and excrement.'

'Yes, what a GOOD idea. We're gonna need some heavy-duty healing magic after this...'

And so they trudged through the filthy waters full of unspeakable things for half an hour of the Player's time. Hero had to occasionally grab the Scrying Ball that floated around them and clean it every so often. Apparently the Player couldn't see without it, as he had accidentally made Old Guy walk into a wall.

They eventually found a ladder leading upwards.

'Look! We've found our way out of here!'

'How can you be sure?'

'We can see what the Player is doing through the Scrying Ball as well, Hero. Look!'

Hero looked into the Scrying Ball, and the image he saw insulted his eyes. Someone who was VERY wide indeed was sat on a chair of sorts. This chair had to have been customised somehow, for there were iron rivets almost everywhere. The person he saw had a strange device in his hands, but Hero could clearly see familiar writing on the device.

'Dual Shock?'

'He is the Player, Hero. The device known only as Dual Shock allows him to control us in this quest.'

'Quest? I thought we were just trying to get healed?'

'All will become clear in time.'

'Oh great. Something you can't tell me now. That only occurs when the information in question is either dangerous, powerful or both. The only other question is whether or not it will change the world or something, or unleash some kind of ancient evil upon these lands...'

'...' was the only response he got.

'Ah well. Let's get back up to the surface before these wounds go septic.'

'I agree.'

'By the way, how did you know that this was the right ladder?'

'When I looked into the Ball, I saw the Player with a load of sheets of paper. Since he probably printed out a map of these sewers or something, it was safe to assume that this is the correct ladder.'

'The Player is indeed a useful ally to have.'

'Are we actually allies? Is he using or, or are we using him?'

'Complex. Thoughts. Hurting. Brain.'

'I need to ask you something: How did you know that wounds would go septic?'

'I took a level as a Cleric.'
---

Tutorial: Classes

Now it's no secret that during RPGs, characters gain power and skill. In the Zelda games, Link gains Hearts as well as slowly improving his arsenal of weaponry over time. In most of the Final Fantasy games, levelling up is a simple process, and the only thing you need to worry about is which characters to pick.

But in some Final Fantasy games, you can customise your characters. From the endless collecting of crappy balls that you need to amass the perfect character using FFX's Sphere Grid system, to the switching of weapons and armour that FFV's Job system brought us, levelling up is a way of life. So I just had to take the piss.

While I am keeping the names of the Classes normal for the sake of simplicity, the descriptions are going to be anything from confusing to offensive.

Basic List of Classes:-

Warrior - Your basic soldier-type person. Big on sword, short on thinking.

Rogue - No known purpose. They seem to take offense if you call them Thieves...

Cleric - Your basic healers. 'He's got some bad blood, we'll need to get it out.' 'But he's already bleeding!' 'That'll save time then.'

Wizard - A group of people who pretend to study magic, but instead their libraries are full of erotic stories about Elf maidens...

These are only the four basic classes. As this story progresses, I may add some others into the mix in order to further confuse myself as I try to make everything understandable.

[Blayze]

---
Chapter IV - The Obligatory Female Lead
---

'Nobody knew the name of the tavern. Not even the owners themselves. It didn't matter then, and it mattered even less after what happened in that town...'

---

Once out of the sewers, Hero and Old Guy took a good look at their surroundings. They were in some form of town, and could only assume that it was protected from monsters like all the other towns.

'Well, there's one good thing to be said for Fantasy gaming.'

'What's that, Hero?'

'Are you too senile to notice? We just came out of a SEWER! Aren't you in the LEAST BIT curious as to WHY we don't SMELL?'

'Such thoughts are of no importance to one such as myself. I have far too many world-shattering secrets inside my cranium.'

'Please tell me that was your way of allowing me to kill you. After all, such powerful knowledge must be destroyed, right?'

'No, stop! What are you- PUT THAT SWORD DOWN!'

Suddenly, the world changed. No longer were there as many people walking the streets. Everything lost colour and focus, and Hero and Old Guy were now standing outside a tavern. Hero looked quite ill.

'What... the hell... was that?'

'That, my dear Hero, was the Player. He can force the world to skip through certain events known as Cutscenes. All it takes is a single press of a button on his Dual Shock Device.'

'I think I'm gonna be sick...'

And so, for no reason other than the lack of a reason to not do so, they entered the tavern. The first thing they noticed was the smell. The entire building smelled suspiciously of some of the less-than-solid things that come out of the human body.

While Old Guy was glancing around at the regulars, Hero was determined to discover precisely what it was that smelled that bad, so that he could avoid ordering it should they stay.

'Oi mate, want summink?'

Hero ceased in his nasal-oriented quest, only to find himself staring into the face of quite possibly the ugliest bartender who ever existed. This man's mother must have mated with an Ogre or something. No way were humans capable of being THAT ugly.

Then Hero realised what it was that stank like raw excrement and worse... it was the bartender himself. Hero quickly sat back in his seat and held his breath.

'Deaf git. Ah said, 'want summink?'

Hero was saved from further aroma-related interrogation by Old Guy, who had just sat down next to him.

'Two Specials, please sir.'

With a cry of 'Oi! Wench!', the bartender walked away to do what all bartenders do when adventurers enter their tavern - wipe the inside of a glass with a dirty rag.

'Hello sirs, how can I help?'

Hero was forced to smack Old Guy over the head, he was drooling so much at the sight of the barmaid who had just spoken. A lack of both verbosity and motivation prevents me from describing her appearance and physical form, but I will say this: More skin was uncovered than covered.

Meanwhile, the bartender was engaged in a 'lively debate' with a trio of people wearing cloaks with hoods. For some reason, even though the tavern was fully illuminated, nobody could see their faces... just darkness.

'Ah tol' ya, ah already PAID!'

'It is no concern of ours, Grumpy Bastard...'

'...Whether you paid up or not, if the boss said you didn't...'

'...Then you didn't. And that's all we need.'

Grumpy Bastard set down his rag and glass. The overall effect made him look a lot less... bartender-y.

'On'y thing ah hate more than ya blasted thieves is tha' way ya speak!'

'What do you mean...'

'...about the way...'

'...in which we speak?'

Before Grumpy Bastard could do anything along the lines of screaming in rage or ritually slaughtering the three thieves, a female voice yelled out from somewhere in the background, beyond the strange assortment of patrons who never leave and who never seem to order anything.

'I'll kick your arses!'

Everyone looked on, as a woman walked out from the patrons and stood next to Hero, facing the three thieves.

'Goddammit! Plot-related, easily-dispatched villains!'

Hero was understandably confused.

'Uhh... miss, who the hell are you?'

Old Guy elbowed him in the side.

'No time! We're entering Battle Mode!'

One rush of colour later, and Hero found himself face-to-face with food he hadn't seen in hours, as he vomited on the floor.

'Oi! Wipe that up! Other adventu'ers have ta use tha' battle stage aft'a ya!'

Hero wiped the vomit off the edge of the battle stage using a random patron he plucked from the crowd, and glanced at the stat bar at the bottom of the screen.

Hero 6/12 5/6 Normal (Chaos 0%)

Old Guy 7/ 9 2/9 Normal (Chaos 0%)

??? 10/10 7/7 Normal (Chaos 0%)

'Sweet! She's helping us!'

Then, the battle began.

'Old Guy! What's the Player telling you to do?'

The aged wizard smiled.

'Just watch. Fire Magic, Level 1!'

A ball of fire appeared in front of Old Guy and flew towards the nearest of the thieves, causing the number '4' to appear above the thief's head. Of course, the lack of fatal damage wasn't much of a problem, considering the fact that the thief's clothes had been burnt to a crisp. All of them. A now-naked male thief ran as fast as he could out of the tavern, leaving his two friends to fight off their three opponents.

'What now, Old Guy?'

'Now, Hero? Now... one of them has their turn. That one there. I think he's aiming at our young... agile... supple... sultry-'

'OLD GUY!'

'-I mean, at our female friend there.'

The thief in question pointed an open palm towards the female known to all for now as ???, before shooting a small white ball of magical energy at her, causing her to freeze on the spot. Old Guy knew what was going on.

'She's paral- uh... Hero? Did you know that you're glowing red?'

'Yes. I noticed. Frankly, I'm too pissed to worry about special effects.'

For fairness, the thief who had so far done bugger all decided to speak.

'I don't believe it! He's filled up his Chaos Meter!'

Hero 6/12 5/6 Normal (Chaos MAX)

Old Guy 7/ 9 1/9 Normal (Chaos 0%)

??? 10/10 7/7 Held (Chaos 0%)

---

Tutorial: Super Attacks

I'm sure you're all aware of things like this. Limit Breaks, Trance, Overdrive... whatever you want to call it, I sure as hell couldn't leave it out. It is a standard of modern Final Fantasy games, after all. And since Final Fantasy games are RPGs, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to take the piss of them more so than other games.

Obviously, I'm going to have skills of various levels for each person. However, since I can't be bothered to think up names or how many levels each person will have, I suppose it's lucky that I can just give each character a First Level skill and say that I'm done for now.

---

'Chaos Skill: Lizard Blade!'

The blade of Hero's sword flashed green for a second as Hero ran forward... and past the enemy who had just spoken, before suddenly reappearing back in the 'ready' position as if nothing had happened.

In a move worthy of a B-movie made on a budget of ?3.20, said enemy just... fell over dead. And that was that. Hero stopped glowing red as the last remaining thief finally let common sense take over his mind... and ran out of the tavern.

Or rather, he would have run out of the tavern, had something not blocked his passage. Actually, make that someone. Standing in the doorway of the tavern were three figures wearing a LOT of armour. The bartender laughed as the thief wet himself in pure fear.

'I am Chief Inspector Knight of the Plot Movement Police Squad... and you four are all under arrest.'

[Smiter]

Very nice story so far, Blayze!

[Blayze]

I'm trying to imagine this as a manga, Smiter. I think the Tutorials would need to just be used as text boxes with appropriate images (Like when Sakura explains Chakra )...

[Smiter]

*chuckles* That sounds pretty good!

I'll probably just focus on the first chapter for now. So many things I need to do...

[Blayze]

*chuckles* That sounds pretty good!

I'll probably just focus on the first chapter for now.   So many things I need to do...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yosh! Just curious... how many pages can you see the first chapter taking?

[Smiter]

Hmm... it could be up to ten pages, if you don't try to cram everything into as few panels as possible. As we all know, pictures take up a lot more space than just words!

[Blayze]

Hmm... it could be up to ten pages, if you don't try to cram everything into as few panels as possible.   As we all know, pictures take up a lot more space than just words!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Oh, I know that well Especially back when I had HUGE lists of porn URLs stored in Notepad files

Ten pages, eh? Nice. I might have to run out and buy a new black ink cartridge for the printer, though. Don't ask me how, but my dad BROKE the current one. Now the printer prints (After several error messages) but it can't see how much black ink is left... O_o

[Blayze]

Well, I'm back into writing after my time spent away. And I know I *should* have just done the Edit way instead of replying, but then it wouldn't register as a new post, and I'd get zero replies... so I'd have to KEEP on doing this

---
Chapter 5 - The Injustice System
---

Hero was not having a good day. Here he was, strapped to a machine with more spiky bits than his hairdo, being interrogated by a fat, balding guy he had dubbed 'Arsehole'. The Player's Scrying Ball had hidden itself on the ceiling, pretending to be a lightbulb. The fact that it didn't look remotely like a lightbulb was apparently not a problem.

'Fate has indeed been kind to me this day. Martyr eluded my grasp all those years ago, but you are here instead... Knight was happy with the money he got in exchange... and so am I. Prepare to feel pain for Martyr's sins!'

Hero sighed. This was the last time he travelled with old people. All they ever brought were situations like this, and the omnipresent smell of urine. Suddenly, there was a flash and a blur, and Hero found himself beside the machine, bent over and hurling.

'Goddamn... cutscenes...'

Arsehole was just standing there, staring at Hero with a gormless expression Hero took to be shock.

'How... how did you... AHH!'

Arsehole turned and ran from the room. Hero followed a few seconds later, still a bit groggy... and with a nasty taste in his mouth. For some reason, he still had most of his equipment, items and cash, even after being captured. Obviously, these people were highly inept. They'd only taken his sword away from him.

'Guess I'm not meant to do much battling for now. Now to find my way out of here...'

Opening the metal door, Hero found himself in a metal corridor. Glancing around, he could see Arsehole run off down the corridor to his left. Giving chase was easy for Hero, and after following Arsehole as fast as he could through some more corridors and rooms, Hero finally caught up with his former captor...

'You were a fool to follow me to here, kid!'

...In a large metal room, filled with strange machines. Hero was unable to move, while Arsehole casually strode over to one of the machines and climbed inside it. The machine whirred, fizzed, pulsed with a strange energy... and then it started moving. It moved into the centre of the room, and turned to face Hero.

'That thing... familiar... yes, those stories...'

Evidently Hero was so petrified by the sight of the machine bearing down on him that his inner monologue was breaking up.

---
Random Flashback Scene...
---

In a quiet village, an old man sits on a crate, surrounded by children. He is busy enthralling them with the sort of stories children love: Tales of kind witches, friendly spirits, funny goblins... but one day, one of the children asked for a different kind of story...

'Tell us about something that really happened!'

In standard child-like fashion, the other children quickly added their voices to the demand, and the old man quickly gave in to save his slowly-fading hearing.

'Well then kids, I shall tell you a story about a man I had the honour of calling my friend. He used to be the strongest person in our fair village, leading us in the fight against whatever threatened us. Greenskins... bandits... rampaging creatures... we slew them all, under his leadership. One day, the call went out for militia to participate in a war...'

---
Flashback Within A Flashback...
---

'So you were picked to fight, huh?'

Two men lean against a fence. One of them is fairly older than the other. The younger man sighs, then turns around so that he can lean against the fence with his back, propping himself up slightly with his elbows.

'Yeah. Look after the kid for me, okay?'

The younger man sighs again, before picking up a small sack and pulling the drawstring tight. He then slings it over his shoulder and pushes himself away from the fence, before walking away to join the rest of the militia and soldiers...

---
End Flashback!
---

'What happened next? What happened next?'

The old man smiled at the eagerness of the children gathered around him. It was his duty to help this new generation grow up well, and this was a good sign indeed. Taking a deep breath, he continued with his story as his audience listened intently to every word he said.

'From the scattered reports we got from the few militia who returned here alive... he vanished completely one night, when he was on sentry duty. Nobody knew where he was... until the next day.'

---
The Flash Strikes Back...
---

'What happened here?'

A small group of soldiers milled around inside a temple of sorts. Well, it couldn't REALLY be just a temple, because there were monstrosities made of metal lined up against the walls. But what really caught their attention was the corpse lying in front of a strange device. When they approached the device, they recognised the corpse.

'It's him!'

'But why here?'

Movement in the shadows of one of the corners caught somebody's attention and within seconds, all the soldiers readied their weapons. A haggard-looking man in very dirty clothing came out from the shadows, his hands high in the air.

'I saw it all. Give me food and I'll tell you.'

---
End Flashback...
---

'...That man was one of their enemy's hired mercenaries. Apparently they had discovered a cache of strange technology hidden miles underneath their capital, and had managed to use some of that technology to create vehicles protected by thick, solid metal armour. They had hidden some of their new machines in the temple in order to use them in battle.'

The children tried to imagine what the machines might have looked like, but not one of them could manage it. A drawing was requested, and the old man promptly supplied them with a crude cartoon sketch of what the soldiers had reported that it looked like.

'According to the hungry soldier, my friend managed to find his way into the temple during the night, and went over to the device... he smashed his sword down through it, then died. Whatever was powering those machines must have gone straight through his body and killed him. Apparently he was talking to himself the whole time. The official report was that he went mad, deserted his post and managed to help the war effort somehow.'

---
Back To The Present...
---

'Old Guy's story... the metal vehicles. But even if they had weak spots, I couldn't defeat one without a weapon.'

The machine began to move towards Hero in an attempt to ram him. It struck him in the chest, and he staggered back slightly as the number '5' appeared over his head in red.

Hero 17/22 07/07 Normal (Chaos 15%)

Hero glanced at the thing he had termed the 'Action' menu. He was not at all surprised to see the word 'Attack' was greyed out.

'Figures. Can't even use the Lizard Blade without a sword. Only viable option left...'

Digging into his pocket as the cursor moved to 'Item' and the Command Acknowledged sound played, Hero pulled out a rather withered-looking green and brown herb. Confused as to what to do with it, he held it out in front of him in his hand, before throwing it up in the air. As it reached its zenith and began to descend, the herb suddenly vanished into thin air, replaced by the number '5' in green.

'Aha. So that's how.'

The machine moved forward, the driver obviously intent on ramming it into Hero once more. It suddenly stopped, as Hero just seemed to teleport to a position a few feet behind his previous one, before appearing back where he started as the machine reversed. Now that was a spectacular dodge, I think you'll agree.

'Ugh. That always messes me up a bit.'

Suddenly, a familiar voice filled the air.

'Hero! What the hell are you doing?'

Hero turned to face where the voice had come from. After all, combat was turn-based and the settings changed to 'Wait' mode. No way would he get attacked before he had his go. Hero was relieved to see Old Guy and ??? standing on a metal walkway above the combat.

'Get down here! I need help! I got no weapon!'

Five seconds later, Old Guy and ??? appeared in the Battle Mode view alongside Hero. Old Guy threw Hero a plain-looking sword.

---
Party gained Item: Longsword.
---

Hero automatically equipped the Longsword, grinning with glee at how it felt to have a phallic symbol in your hand bigger and better than the one you were just previously using. He suddenly gave into the urge to taunt his opponent.

Hero 22/22 07/07 Normal (Chaos 15%)
Old Guy 13/13 16/16 Normal (Chaos 30%)
??? 10/10 07/07 Normal (Chaos 20%)

'Oh, is it our turn now?'

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Next time, on Almost Every RPG Ever! Chapter 6 - Escape Sequence
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