15 replies to this topic

[ramenanmitsu]

Okay, I just wanted to ramble what happened today since I feel so terrible about it.

Today I got really mad at my mother and now she's feeling blue because of my scoldings.

Today, my mother went out to meet her friend in Yokohama. But then my mother texted her friend that "she was too sick to meet her and so she will go back home". Reading that message, my mother's friend got really worried.

There is a good reason why my mother's friend got really worried. Two months prior, my mother was in a life or death situation. She was in a critical condition and was hospitalized. My sister was having another sickness and hospitalized as well for a different reason. I quit my job so I could take care of my mother and sister, especially since we don't have a father. My mother's medication worked, she got better, so did my sister, and I was able to work again.

Because of this, my mother's friend was worried that my mother's sickness backlashed or something like that. She called my mother but there was no reply or anything. Then she called my sister and my sister called my mother, no reply (My sister lives separately). Then my sister called me while I was starting to have dinner with my boss to talk about some business details (yeah, I know it's Sunday but I still work).

Needless to say, I was worried and even when I called her or texted her she didn't pick up. I thought maybe she's out there outside god knows where nearly dying. Or maybe she was at home collapsed, unable to call the ambulance and that could lead to danger. I told my boss that I'm sorry and I had to go back home check on my mother and I rushed home. While I was in the taxi I was really frightened that she might be dead. I really care for my mother. She raised me and my sister only by herself without receiving any help. My sister went to the best university in Japan, received a master and got a great job. I also was able to go to a decent school, graduate and get a good job. All because my mother worked hard so we could get great education. No other single mother family around us had kids that were able to go to university like me and my sister because it's too expensive to afford. She's the best mother. No matter, all the kitten our father has done to our family (he's the worst scumbag I've had the pleasure of meeting and if it weren't for the criminal law I would have killed him), she always protected us and fought through all the hardships, worked endlessly without any sleep. (After she got released from the hospital, she stopped working and is living peacefully). The stress was the reason why she collapsed and got hospitalized in the first place. If she died, I thought I should die as well. If I wasn't able to make her happy, I didn't know what point there was to keep living. Anyways, that's what I thought through the thirty minutes I was in the taxi.

But when I reached home, she was eating something in the living room and said, "Oh you're back early. Want to eat something?"

I was surprised and asked her, "weren't you sick? Are you okay? Shall I take you to the hospital?"

And then she looked at me confused and asked me what I was talking about so I explained about the whole situation to her. She then said, "Oh, well I just felt lazy to meet my friend so I made an excuse to get back. I didn't answer any of the calls because I felt too troublesome to answer to her."

So then I raged. When I get angry I don't shout, I become more cold than I usually am. I started speaking in a dark tone. "Do you have any idea how worried you made us? Look at your own situation. You were hospitalized a few months ago and in a life or death situation. Didn't you even think to consider that saying you were sick would immediately lead people to believe that what happened two months ago would happen again? That was the worst excuse you could come up with. You only thought about how lazy and troublesome you were didn't you? Didn't think to consider how worried we will be after what happen two months ago. How selfish of you. Maybe it will do you some good if you consider how I felt when I couldn't reach you. Or how your daughter felt when she couldn't reach you. Oh and by the way, I had to cancel my business meeting because of that stunt you pulled. You brought all of us lots of damage and suffering. All thanks to you feeling lazy and inconsiderate."

After I said all that I went back to my room and didn't talk to her. But then I felt really bad so I went out bought some snacks and gave it to her. She said, "thank you and I'm very sorry." But she still looks very sad and I feel horrible. I feel like such a jerk.

-end of ramble-

Edited by ramenanmitsu, 07 September 2014 - 03:24 PM.

[ns.Believe.It]

You shouldn't have been that harsh but you got upset only because of concern for her right? She'll understand. Anyway just Relax!!! Mothers can never stay upset with their children for a long time. There is nobody who loves a person more than his/her mother. It'll all be forgotten soon and everything will be back to normal. That's the wonderful thing about family    

[ramenanmitsu]

You shouldn't have been that harsh but you got upset only because of concern for her right? She'll understand. Anyway just Relax!!! Mothers can never stay upset with their children for a long time. There is nobody who loves a person more than his/her mother. It'll all be forgotten soon and everything will be back to normal. That's the wonderful thing about family 

Thanks for your comment. I really hope so.

What's worse is that she already thinks she's being a burden to me because I quit my previous job , I'm taking care of her financially including all the debts, her surgery and hospital expenses. And I just scolded at her saying that she made me suffer today. That was such kitten move for me to do. I can't believe myself.

I never understood why she thinks of herself as a burden when it's only natural for kids to take care of their mother. But maybe my attitude could be the reason why she feels so self-depreciating.

[KnS]

Did you apologize and explain your reaction was harsh because of love?  

 

It might not be easy to talk about, but have you ever told her what you just told us?  How much her sacrifices mean to you and that you don't consider her a burden?  Honest communication is underrated.

 

You're obviously a good son who cares a lot.  I agree with ns.Believe.It.  You and your mother will get past this little moment, especially if you encourage her with kind words and actions.

[ramenanmitsu]

Did you apologize and explain your reaction was harsh because of love?  
 
It might not be easy to talk about, but have you ever told her what you just told us?  How much her sacrifices mean to you and that you don't consider her a burden?  Honest communication is underrated.
 
You're obviously a good son who cares a lot.  I agree with ns.Believe.It.  You and your mother will get past this little moment, especially if you encourage her with kind words and actions.

No, I actually didn't. I never ever spoke what I really feel in my whole life especially when it's about how much I care. I always try to show it with my actions but as this case showed it's apparently not enough.

Whenever she used to tell me that she feels like such a burden to me I kind of always brushed her off saying, "Stop saying that. I don't want to ever hear you say that again." Now that I think of it, I never tried to solve the root of the problem, I was just always feeling angry that she thinks of herself as a burden.

You're right. It might be the first time in my life to talk to her about what I truly feel but I'll try. It seems like it's the only option I have.

I will update the result. And thanks for your advice.

Edited by ramenanmitsu, 07 September 2014 - 03:55 PM.

[redragon88]

Honesty is always the key.

 

Tell your mom that you're sorry for getting too angry with her and that you appreciate all the hard work she has done for you and your sister. Being acknowledged always makes people happy.

 

Then, if you wish, you could tell her how it worries you if she suddenly cuts contact given what happened before with her being sick.

 

I don't want to tell you much on how to deal with your family since it's none of my business, but I'll just say that the most important thing is always good communication and trying to come up with a solution that suits everyone best.

 

By the way, which university did your sister go to? Which is this best university in your eyes?

[六道仙人]

I know that japanese people are very introverted between them, especially in family... But this time you should just tell her what you feel. Every so often it is also good to say positive feelings. It might be unusual for her or you, but I am sure that se will appreciate that a lot and you will feel better.

 

がんばれ！らめんあんみつさん!

[Iwantbuns]

You said all of that? Huh. It sounds kind of bipolar... Well my advice is that you should try controlling your emotions. Think about what your gonna say before it all comes spilling out. Because it seems like one moment your really angry and annoyed, and bursting out - and then the next moment your thinking about it really hard, and wondering where you went wrong. And then the next moment that angry and explosive side comes triggering out again.

 

It's a cycle. You have to keep track of it. Try not to let that side out, no matter how many emotions you're feeling at once. Control it, especially when it's not necessary to let it out at that moment. Because no matter what tone of voice you use, a lot of inner turmoil goes on inside. It's risky. By controlling it, I basically mean think about it first. Is it worth saying? And this is your mother. You know how she reacts. How should you say it? Be calm about it. Don't ever let your emotions get in the way of whatever you do or say, in any situation. Chances are, you're usually gonna regret it.

 

That's just how I see it. And everyone has mother issues, you're not alone... Sometimes I get really aggravated with mine. It happens.

[Khaleesi]

KnS stole my advice )':

My life it's kind of similar to yours! I really understand you. But you need to sit with her and talk. My mother always says to me if i love her or not and i get angry as well. It's really difficult to speak about how you feel, i know. But this is needed. Take 2 or 3 hours and hug her. I'm not an affectionate person and i feel weird, but this is needed. Trust me. They need reassurance with words. I, myself, did this one time and it kinda got better, because our communication was even worst. But now, i...do that every couple of months but on a smaller scale. Like a phrase or sentence. But i'm in the beggining of the road, same as you. You already did a lot. Now is time to get closer to her. 

 

 

@iwantbuns 

... .___. It's not bipolar. It's hard to believe some persons are different than you? If you want to make an advice you first need to understand a personality.

"And everyone has mother issues, you're not alone... " You are dismissing Ramen's problem.  Only because you have and "everyone" has, that doesn't make it less painful for Ramen. >:(

You totally didn't understand a thing.

 

:@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited by theunburnt, 07 September 2014 - 06:10 PM.

[Gojira]

Believe me 

 

Okay, I just wanted to ramble what happened today since I feel so terrible about it.

Today I got really mad at my mother and now she's feeling blue because of my scoldings.

Today, my mother went out to meet her friend in Yokohama. But then my mother texted her friend that "she was too sick to meet her and so she will go back home". Reading that message, my mother's friend got really worried.

There is a good reason why my mother's friend got really worried. Two months prior, my mother was in a life or death situation. She was in a critical condition and was hospitalized. My sister was having another sickness and hospitalized as well for a different reason. I quit my job so I could take care of my mother and sister, especially since we don't have a father. My mother's medication worked, she got better, so did my sister, and I was able to work again.

Because of this, my mother's friend was worried that my mother's sickness backlashed or something like that. She called my mother but there was no reply or anything. Then she called my sister and my sister called my mother, no reply (My sister lives separately). Then my sister called me while I was starting to have dinner with my boss to talk about some business details (yeah, I know it's Sunday but I still work).

Needless to say, I was worried and even when I called her or texted her she didn't pick up. I thought maybe she's out there outside god knows where nearly dying. Or maybe she was at home collapsed, unable to call the ambulance and that could lead to danger. I told my boss that I'm sorry and I had to go back home check on my mother and I rushed home. While I was in the taxi I was really frightened that she might be dead. I really care for my mother. She raised me and my sister only by herself without receiving any help. My sister went to the best university in Japan, received a master and got a great job. I also was able to go to a decent school, graduate and get a good job. All because my mother worked hard so we could get great education. No other single mother family around us had kids that were able to go to university like me and my sister because it's too expensive to afford. She's the best mother. No matter, all the kitten our father has done to our family (he's the worst scumbag I've had the pleasure of meeting and if it weren't for the criminal law I would have killed him), she always protected us and fought through all the hardships, worked endlessly without any sleep. (After she got released from the hospital, she stopped working and is living peacefully). The stress was the reason why she collapsed and got hospitalized in the first place. If she died, I thought I should die as well. If I wasn't able to make her happy, I didn't know what point there was to keep living. Anyways, that's what I thought through the thirty minutes I was in the taxi.

But when I reached home, she was eating something in the living room and said, "Oh you're back early. Want to eat something?"

I was surprised and asked her, "weren't you sick? Are you okay? Shall I take you to the hospital?"

And then she looked at me confused and asked me what I was talking about so I explained about the whole situation to her. She then said, "Oh, well I just felt lazy to meet my friend so I made an excuse to get back. I didn't answer any of the calls because I felt too troublesome to answer to her."

So then I raged. When I get angry I don't shout, I become more cold than I usually am. I started speaking in a dark tone. "Do you have any idea how worried you made us? Look at your own situation. You were hospitalized a few months ago and in a life or death situation. Didn't you even think to consider that saying you were sick would immediately lead people to believe that what happened two months ago would happen again? That was the worst excuse you could come up with. You only thought about how lazy and troublesome you were didn't you? Didn't think to consider how worried we will be after what happen two months ago. How selfish of you. Maybe it will do you some good if you consider how I felt when I couldn't reach you. Or how your daughter felt when she couldn't reach you. Oh and by the way, I had to cancel my business meeting because of that stunt you pulled. You brought all of us lots of damage and suffering. All thanks to you feeling lazy and inconsiderate."

After I said all that I went back to my room and didn't talk to her. But then I felt really bad so I went out bought some snacks and gave it to her. She said, "thank you and I'm very sorry." But she still looks very sad and I feel horrible. I feel like such a jerk.

-end of ramble-

You really shouldn't feel bad about it, you were concerned. From what I read, it doesn't seem bad at all really.

 

Believe me it could be much worse

 

spoiler title

I know something about how frustrating mothers can be and coming from a broken home too. My family was seperated when I was 5 because my father (taking advantage of being the boss of a pharmacy company) was using cocaine and physically assaulted my mother, brother and sister in a daily manner. He would constantly put them down, threaten them with weapons and would get upset at my mom because she wouldn't let him cheat on her. I was a baby at the time so I never really knew what was going on but from what I heard from my mom he would even threaten to "do things to me" If she didn't comply so she would often leave me at my grandmas house.. The problem after this is that my brother and sister regularly put me down ever since and constantly shut me out and hold a grudge against me because I bear a striking resemblance both in appearance and in voice to my father.  I was the only one in our entire family  who didn't know my dad and because of that he constantly tried to kiss up to me and constantly try to get me to live with him when I was a kid growing up. because of the relationship with my dad, my mom started dating and got married with someone else a couple weeks after just meeting him and insists that its because of "loltruelove" but its more of a schoolgirl infatuation, the guy is not as bad as my dad but he's still a major tool and my mom does whatever he says without question. She is well known in my family for being hard-headed and at times frustratingly gullible, hell she actually drained some money from my credit card so she and her husband can go ona  romantic trip to Dallas together when I confronted her about it she told me that me "lending her" $40 was the least I could do for all the years she spent taking care of me. We argue half the time we see each other, most of the time I go into great detail to explain how dead to me she is (though ofcourse I don't mean it) then the next day its like its never happened. 

Edited by Pepsi, 08 September 2014 - 12:22 AM.

[ramenanmitsu]

Thank you very much for your advice everyone. I'll update my case before I head to work.

I apologized to her and said that I was harsh because I felt so worried and the thought of her being in the same condition as two months ago pained me a lot. I didn't tell her EVERYTHING you guys wanted me to tell her. It's still very hard for me to express all my feelings.

Then I told her that I took one day off work on her birthday next month and that I will take her to any musical or theatre she wants to see. (She loves these artistic things but she doesn't want to waste money so she doesn't go.) She started to panic and told me not to take a day off work. I just cut her off and said, "If I said I want to take you out then I will take you out!"

She thought for a while and then said, "Then take me to a show where there are many hot guys. And maybe I want to try going to a host club and talk to some cute boys."

I answered, "Huh?"

And then she said she was joking but I could see her face was kind of serious. How could I say no to that? So I just answered, "Sure lets go." She looked a bit surprised but looked a bit happy too so all is good. I don't know what kind of a show or musical have hot guys but I'll try my best to find one.

Thanks a lot you guys I'm really happy I rambled here and heard your opinions.

@六道仙人
Thanks a lot for understanding. Yes, we Japanese don't talk about our feelings. It's just unnatural to us. I know this might sound frustrating from Westerners because it creates problems and misunderstandings that otherwise wouldn't have happened.

@redragon88
She went to University of Tokyo. But when it comes to subject like science probably Kyoto Uni would be better.

@Iwantbun
Actually, the doctor told me I had bipolar disorder when I was 15. But I never researched about it or went to the doctor for the second appointment. There are two reasons: 1.) I thought the doctor was lying and put a label on my personality so that I become his customer and he can gain money. My sister and many of my relatives were diagnosed with depression but they seemed to get worse AFTER seeing the doctor. So I had no trust towards a doctor. 2.) I believed mental illnesses don't exist and it's an excuse people use to run away from real life problems and their own flaws. I now know this isn't the case but that's what I thought when I was 15.

I don't know if my decision to not get treatment then was a good decision or not. But since last year I believe I have shown no signs that indicate I have bipolar disorder.

@theunburnt
Thanks. I knew you would understand :) Of course I've never and will never hug my mother because that is just too weird but I plan to talk with her more often.

@pepsi
Thanks a lot. And I'm sorry if I made you remind yourself all those previous experiences you had to cheer me up.

Edited by ramenanmitsu, 08 September 2014 - 12:33 AM.

[Gojira]

@pepsi
Thanks a lot. And I'm sorry if I made you remind yourself all those previous experiences you had to cheer me up.

Nah its fine, if anything It helped talking about it for both of us because life can be so over the top sometimes. 

[Khaleesi]

Thank you very much for your advice everyone. I'll update my case before I head to work.

I apologized to her and said that I was harsh because I felt so worried and the thought of her being in the same condition as two months ago pained me a lot. I didn't tell her EVERYTHING you guys wanted me to tell her. It's still very hard for me to express all my feelings.

Then I told her that I took one day off work on her birthday next month and that I will take her to any musical or theatre she wants to see. (She loves these artistic things but she doesn't want to waste money so she doesn't go.) She started to panic and told me not to take a day off work. I just cut her off and said, "If I said I want to take you out then I will take you out!"

She thought for a while and then said, "Then take me to a show where there are many hot guys. And maybe I want to try going to a host club and talk to some cute boys."

I answered, "Huh?"

And then she said she was joking but I could see her face was kind of serious. How could I say no to that? So I just answered, "Sure lets go." She looked a bit surprised but looked a bit happy too so all is good. I don't know what kind of a show or musical have hot guys but I'll try my best to find one.

Thanks a lot you guys I'm really happy I rambled here and heard your opinions.

@Iwantbun
Actually, the doctor told me I had bipolar disorder when I was 15. But I never researched about it or went to the doctor for the second appointment. There are two reasons: 1.) I thought the doctor was lying and put a label on my personality so that I become his customer and he can gain money. My sister and many of my relatives were diagnosed with depression but they seemed to get worse AFTER seeing the doctor. So I had no trust towards a doctor. 2.) I believed mental illnesses don't exist and it's an excuse people use to run away from real life problems and their own flaws. I now know this isn't the case but that's what I thought when I was 15.

I don't know if my decision to not get treatment then was a good decision or not. But since last year I believe I have shown no signs that indicate I have bipolar disorder.

@theunburnt
Thanks. I knew you would understand :) Of course I've never and will never hug my mother because that is just too weird but I plan to talk with her more often.
 

1. AWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Hahahaha, that's so cute, omg. I laughed at the "Uh?"

2. ...Are you me? All that happened to me too. Lmao. But i wanted to say to iwantbuns that your situation doesn't have to do with the fact you are bipolar or not. He can't afirm that just from that. Your post only shows how your personality is. >:c

3. asfdfsaafa 

Mother: *takes my hand*

Me: *uhhhh* *puts hand on her shoulder, not as a hug, like this 

spoiler

*

 

I feel weird hugging people with actual ...feeelings(?) So, i just pat them.

[ramenanmitsu]

2. ...Are you me? All that happened to me too. Lmao. But i wanted to say to iwantbuns that your situation doesn't have to do with the fact you are bipolar or not. He can't afirm that just from that. Your post only shows how your personality is. >:c
3. asfd
Mother: *takes my hand*
Me: *uhhhh* *puts hand on her shoulder, not as a hug, like this 

spoiler

*
 
I feel weird hugging people with actual ...feeelings(?) So, i just pat them.

Oh were you told by the doctor the same thing? If you don't mind me asking, what made you realize you needed to go the doctor and what happened after that? (In my case family relatives forced me to go)

And yeah, I can't hug people either. The most I can do is pat on the shoulder.

[Khaleesi]

Oh were you told by the doctor the same thing? If you don't mind me asking, what made you realize you needed to go the doctor and what happened after that? (In my case family relatives forced me to go)

And yeah, I can't hug people either. The most I can do is pat on the shoulder.

When you have "symptons" and you are still too young, could be part of the hormones, so, it's not reliable.  For mostly of personality disoders and mental illness, you need to have 21 at least for confirmation. 

They told me that i had bipolar symptons that can be developed through my life if i don't live a peacefully life (?) or something like that and become the real mental illness. I was 15. Now, my psychologist told me 1 month ago that is possible that i have schizoid personality disorder. Some of it doesn't describes me, so i don't know maybe ASPD? or maybe nothing at all? 

I thought that my anger and awful desires can be dangerous and that i was weird for it. But humans are evil. I don't know about standars anymore and i'm kind of amoral, i guess. Time passed and things are more and more normal to me.

Somewhere in my mind i think everything can be controled by myself when it comes with personality disorders and when you have only "symptons". I think that i can direct the path of it and their destination. That is your decision. You only have to be strong and logical. But...sometimes i can't explain some things. I don't know if i will but i hope so. I don't want to think i can't have control over myself. Freedom is my favorite word and i will die if someone takes this away from me while i'm alive. (I think that true freedom is death) I can even think of me as a dependant person. I can't end up like that.

I'm 18 now.  So, there is 3 years left. But i think i won't change my mind. What about you? I'm kind of paranoic so, i don't think that actually reading me is a good reference xD

[narusaku256]

@Ramen, man...don't worry too much about it . Your mom knows you did not mean one bit what you said since you were filled with anger at that time. You got angry because you were worried and cared for your mother. Mother's are probably the best things that can happen to us. Now, I haven't gone through the same situation as you did and I love my mother and father both but I'll just focus on the latter relationship for now. Dude! I am short tempered as hell and sometimes I yell at my mom and say things I won't even think of saying to her, ever! But you know what? She's called 'mother' for a reason. She is your mother afterall so she won't be angry or upset at you for a long time . The fact that you are willing to improve and not repeat your mistake next time is enough for her and besides.....the fact that you got angry so much shows how much you really care for and love your mother and she understands it . You spoke out of concern. Though she may have become upset by your words, I am sure she understands how much she means to you . You apologized to her and are working for it....what can make her more happy than this? You are doing great Ramen . Its not always necessary to speak what you feel about another person if you can show it through your actions. Apparently, your mother is happy from inside that her son loves and cares for her soooo much! Doesn't mean what you did was right, but you are willing to work for yout mistake and that's a great thing, really . Try telling her how much she means to you the next time and last but not the least.....try being less harsh...the next time XD

Oh and one more thing.....you've got a great mother, Ramen She has raised a good son and a good daughter afterall! Just try being a bit calm next time XD. For all the pains and hardwork she took for you guys, she sure does deserve lots of love and affection from you guys :)

@Iwantbuns
What are you talking about! This...is not a bipolar case and neither is @Unburnt a bipolar case. I do admit that the moods go in cycles...but that's different and not in this manner! Won't you think about what you've said to someone like your mom especially when she means so much to you and your words hurt her terribly? For a Bipolar, the moods remain for days and weeks and months and that's why it is classified into four types! And they go in cycles.....not like one moment you are angry and then think about it and then again angry! It is like, if its depression...its the worst depression....and then immediately after some time/hours/days you feel overly positive, overly enthusiastic and overly productive. Basically a heavy shift between positive and negative! It is nothing like Ramen is doing! And as for @Unburnt, she is still 18 and during adolescense, it is perfectly normal to have mood swings since our body undergoes changes physically as well as emotionally and our body is learning coping mechanisms against all those new found emotions. Hell! I am almost 18 and yet I have mood swings sometimes. It is perfectly normal at this age. Whether you really have a bipolar or not, can be diagnosed after 21 when the hormones subside. So @Ramen and @Unburnt aren't biploar and neither is it a bipolar disorder Ramen is suffering from.

Mental disorders are a problem if you think that they really exist and pose a problem. They are all a product of what you think. If you think that they're not a problem, they aren't. If you think they are...then so are they. It all depends on your control!

P.S- I don't suffer from Bipolar Disorder. Call it my research for a very very good friend of mine.

Edited by narusaku256, 08 September 2014 - 01:26 PM.