The other day I went to church for the first time in months, if not more than a year and I discovered that they have had a program going on for some time now that tries to offer relief from certain obstacles in life that you may be facing. Be it addictions of some kind, anger issues, or dealing with the past. One of the topics that was discussed was suicide, which is something I have either dealt with in the past or had thoughts of doing myself. It was implored that we share our stories with the world for a few reasons. One being so that others may find the strength and hope of pushing through whatever they're dealing with, and two to let go of any demons that may still be holding onto us from the past.
This thread will be my story of how a truck driver unintentionally saved my life. May God watch over him from above wherever he is.
I will not be sharing the names of the company I worked for or the employees that I worked with. And just know that I have talked about this with some people I'm close to and they have helped me recover. This story may be a little much to handle at times, but believe me when I say that it's not easy for me to write this. But I'm doing so in the hopes that it can help somebody from this site in the future should life seem too much to handle at some point.
In 2018 I was working for a company as a heavy equipment operator at a landfill. The pay was good but the work was hard with long hours, and a very long commute both ways. At first, it was an okay job that had decent enough benefits, paid time off, sick leave, etc. But after my first few weeks, it went downhill.
Because of my age difference and lack of experience in certain areas, I was constantly teased and made fun of. It was okay at first because I thought they were just messing around which was fine. I don't mind being made fun of, especially when I do something stupid, so long as it doesn't go too far. But my co-workers ignored every single boundary I told them not to cross and straight up ignored me when I asked them to stop.
Despite the fact that I was doing the job that I was hired on to do and was taking very good care of my equipment, I was called useless straight to my face along with many other insults. "You're such a dumb A*s", "You're useless", "You're a waste of oxygen", "They made a mistake when they hired a Millennial like you". Stuff like this on a constant basis of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month for my duration there. Typically, I try to just block out jerks as much as I can, but these guys were unrelenting and my boss was about as useful as legs on a fish.
Eventually, despite the fact that I tried to mentally block them out, their words started to get to me. I started to do things wrong and miss simple steps in the job, and it felt like my life was just falling apart. I eventually began to feel as useless as they were saying and began to just cave in under the pressure. Not long after, I was taking this attitude home with me.
I began to look at myself in the mirror and say to my reflection that I was just a worthless piece of crap that no one wanted around. I didn't have any real friends at the time, so I was stuck with these emotions with no way of venting it out. I began to become angry at the world and everybody in it and would blow up at the slightest little things, whereas before, I had the patience of a Jedi Master. Nothing really bothered me unless it was something crucial.
With my constant anger at the world and serious depression starting to kick in, I felt like the world was darkening around me. I had no one to go to or speak with because of my long hours, and those who I could speak with didn't take it seriously and told me it was a phase. But I felt a force stronger than me beginning to take over, and looking back now, it is truly frightening.
Eventually, my anger turned into nothing but hatred. I hated everything and everyone. I no longer found joy in things that used to bring me happiness or entertainment, not even my favorite comedian could make me crack a smile. I began to harm myself by cutting my arms with a knife or beating my head against my walls. At this point, the more blood that I saw on myself the better it was. The pain was becoming a drug and my hatred for myself grew by the day, but my hatred of my co-workers grew by the hour.
Thoughts of suicide began to come into my head and I would spend hours thinking about how I'd do it every single day. I would think about it all day while I was at work, then I would spend many hours at home thinking about it until I fell asleep at night. I enjoyed the vision of putting a gun in my mouth and envisioning the looks of horror on my co-worker's faces as I pulled the trigger and my bloodied corpse fell against the wall with my blood splattered all over the locker room. But I didn't stop there. I wanted revenge.
By this time I was sold on what I was going to do to myself, but I wanted to drag those who turned me into this monster down to Hell with me. Since I wasn't planning to walk out of the place alive, I began to save up for assault weapons I could use to cause as much damage as possible. I had it in my head that I was going to kill everyone I could, but I lacked the finances and would have to wait for the next Monday to buy everything I needed.
That Friday, however, something happened. I was coming home after a fourteen-hour shift and an 18-wheeler was overtaking a car coming around a blind corner. Mysteriously, time seemed to slow down as I debated whether or not to meet that truck head-on and just put an end to my misery once and for all. But...something, I don't know what, but something seemed to take over my body and force me to pull my vehicle off the road and into the ditch. At that moment, I came to a relization.
I realized that I had no quarrel with that truck driver. I held nothing against him and he held nothing against me. Had I collided with him like I intended to I would have sent an innocent man to the hospital for reasons that he had no part in. For all I knew at the time, he could have been a father in waiting and had a wife who was eight months pregnant. He could have been having the best day of his life for all I knew, then there I'd come along and potentially rip him from his family.
As if embraced by my guardian angel with a comforting hug, my hatred and my anger began to dissipate and I continued on home where I had a long sit down and thought about all the terrible things I was thinking of. The things that I said, the things I did, the harshness that I brought. I fell to my knees and cried for what felt like an eternity, eventually crying myself to sleep over the guilt that I felt. I was in desperate need of money and my job paid very well, but I realized that my wellbeing was more important than being able to pay a few bills at the time.
The following Monday I turned in my two weeks notice but only worked for the next two days. Not even a month later I was hired on by the sheriff of another county to work as a CO in the county jail where I worked for a year. Now, I work as a garbage man for my local city and couldn't be happier.
This...was not easy for me to write. But it was something I felt that I had to do. Hopefully, it sheds some light on what is a very dark and troubling problem that many people suffer with and seemingly have no escape.
I have to say, however, that I'm not sure if I have ever truly recovered from this or if I ever will 100%. I still have nightmares about what could have happened, and certain thoughts still linger in my head. I've tried closing the door on this, especially after talking about it with very close friends that I have now who have helped me walk away from this, but sometimes I still have this feeling that sends a shiver up my spine and makes my hair stand on edge. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I feel like I'm not really alone. Like something is standing in the corner watching me and just waiting to take advantage again.
Are my inner demons patiently waiting for another time to strike? Or is the Reaper feeling cheated? I'm honestly not sure which one is more terrifying.
Edited by Dalton.T.R, 02 February 2021 - 02:15 AM.
