6 replies to this topic

[KonaKonaFan]

(older referring to length of time youve been on this site, not age. although they probably are not mutually exclusive now that i think about it. also theres mentions of suicide in this post so be careful)

 

uh hey. its ya boi kona/ashtyn. i suddenly remembered this site i spent a lot of my teen years on and came back on to take a look around see whats different. i see a lot of usernames i dont recognize (either they are new or i just forgot them, i have an awful memory). which is weird to think about, cuz there was a time where i knew almost everyone who regularly posted here, and i would chat with a few of you all day after school. i really cared about yall, and theres a part of me who still does, despite not talking to yall in literal years. like...i have a lot of history with this site. i looked at my profile and thru my posts and...well

 

other people who have been here a while (esp those who have been here for like 15 years or whatever, i mean PHEW i only joined in 09), do u ever look back on ur old posts on here and it just brings about this really weird response in you? nothing quite captures the way ur life was back then the way ur old posts on a website you frequented does imo. when i joined this website i was 13. i was a good kid and only lurked this site until the rules said i could join lol. that was a year after my depression and suicide ideation started, which just got worse as my teen years went on. and GEE does it show. im 20 now. when i look at my posts i just see the reflection of a mentally ill, closeted lesbian living in an oppressively religious household. i just see such an intensely angry person. even tho i often was cheerful in my posts, especially in the early days, i can still see a darker, more upsetting side to them. im not even sure if anyone else who reads them could see that! i just know the state of mind i was in when i made them.

 

i went thru something similar when i looked thru my old ff.net account. if u look at the description you can see my particular reaction to that! the words are basically the same- i was dealing with a lotta shi- i forgot you cant curse on here. um. i was dealing with a lotta schnitzel when i wrote them so i did away with them so i wouldnt have to look at them again. thing is tho i cant really do the same here. my first reaction was to delete my account and see if that took care of that. but then i realized how much i didnt want to. yeah, my posts reflected anger, but they also reflected love when i interacted with some o yall, yall know who u are. i dont want to get rid of that. besides, that sad little girl will always be a part of me, whether i want to or not. becoming an adult recovering from ptsd formed in ur childhood meant that even tho memory repression can be a normal coping mechanism, it can also be running away from things instead of coming to terms with them (which ofc should be done when ur ready for it to be done)

 

so uh. heres to adulthood being the revenge for childhood.

 

also this went in a whole different direction than i thought it would so! the discussion question i intended to propose was: older members, do u ever see ur older posts and it triggers a similar response that it did to me, whether its a happy, negative, or whatever one?

[T XD]

Welcome back XD I remember you. Don't know if you remember me. Yup, you were cheerful, but couldn't see the anger.

All humans have disorder/s which lots of them exceeds the threshold of dealing fine with the disorder/s making them continuing their lives a lot harder. So, as you know, like any illness, it's cured naturally or with medicine.

 

My point is when you remember bad memories, throw them in a carefree way and know that you dealt pretty well with it for you're much better now. It's a sign of strength XD

 

I didn't see my old posts, but you made me curious to see them. I'll reply as soon as I do.

 

How do I see my old posts ? In the ' Post ' tab in my profile, there are just the ones I made recently.

 

Okay. Got it. In my content's ' Only posts ', the oldest post is from 22 August 2016 cause it's limited, so it's recent and nothing changed.

I thought on seeing if the ' Likes ' tab will do. I found that it goes back to 2013. Yup, it did get a feeling. I remembered having anxiety issues. Did I get over it ? Yup, I did two years ago

Edited by T XD, 11 December 2016 - 10:20 PM.

[sushi.]

I came here when I was 15-16. My older posts just look childish tbh.

 

And maybe I could've chosen a better nickname, without an ugly dot. Ironically I chose it before tasting sushi, but when I did it became my 1# favourite food. : D

 

I always liked your posts btw, I'm very very opinionated but I agreed with you a lot.

[CloudMountainJuror]

Hey Kona! Long time no see. It's zacrathedemon5 / zac.

 

I do have a somewhat similar experience looking at old posts of mine, though the reaction I feel is mostly embarrassment (the first few pages of my blog especially physically pain me to read through). I had a lot of growing up to do way back when I first joined H&E, and even a few years afterward. To be honest, I am glad those posts of mine are archived here though, because alongside that embarrassment, I also feel a tiny bit of pride in knowing that I've matured as much as I have during the time I've spent here. Even though I don't post too much anymore, I still keep coming back regularly because I love this place. I've had such great times with people here, and it kept me company during some of the years I think were most important for my personal growth.

[Khaleesi]

Hey! I don't think I've talked to you but I do remember you, hah. You are talking with another suicidal person right here but I don't think I had that kind of reaction looking at my older posts here, maybe that my english wasnt so great, heh. But what I feel when I read what I've wrote in the past via FB, is that I don't know that person. It's like I can't recognise myself. I don't really remember when was the last time when I was happy but I can see right now I'm worse than I have ever been and realizing that is... just sad, I guess.

[Gravenimage]

I've been here since 09 so I was 27 when I first became a member here. Don't know if I remember you because I've been away since the Naruto ending (still upset with NH and SS being canon).

[Phantom_999]

Hey long time no see! Well yeah I might have a few posts I be embarrassed by.  But I'm fine with most of them because I try to choose my words with care, and when I don't it's because I was kidding or joking around. Or else I was in a particularly bad mood that day

Edited by Phantom_999, 17 December 2016 - 04:35 PM.