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[Blayze]

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The Wedding - Chapter I - The Letter-Shaped Catalyst
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Most humans have times during their lives when they are blessed with almost uncanny luck, and times when luck is against them. Only one person on the face of the entire planet is cursed with such unnaturally bad luck that it has often been said that there is a divine consensus which has caused all the deities to make it their sole purpose to find new and inventive ways of making him suffer. That person is known as Gaara of the Desert.

Gaara was just like every other not-quite-insane ex-mass murdering demon vessel. He was tired. He was cranky. He was constantly taunted by the voice of an arrogant demonic monster racoon demon, which threatened to take over his body, were he to fall asleep at all. Needless to say, he didn't have much of a tolerance for... well, anybody, really.

The only people he could stand- Well, 'stand' isn't really the correct word for this situation. More like 'The people he had less of an all-consuming urge to brutally murder with blunt chopsticks'- were his siblings, his brother Kankuro and his sister Temari. Kankuro spent most of his time locked up in his room, doing SOMETHING with (Or quite possibly TO) those puppets of his.

Temari on the other hand, was always out training. That kept HER out of the path of most of his psychopathic rages as well. However, as there is a Yin, there is also a Yang. It was inevitable that the person with the least patience would end up SOMEWHERE near the most IRRITATING person imaginable.

Uzumaki Naruto. Every day since the two met, Gaara had spent a good few minutes offering animal sacrifices to the deities, in the vain hope that maybe they would cease their endless crusade of pissing him off every day. Fat chance. Normally, the sleep-deprived demon vessel would have been able to keep his murderous rages in check- just about.

However, today was different. Gaara had remembered Haruno Sakura. How fate conspired against him. The very girl he had pinned to a tree with a giant... something... made of sand had sent him an INVITATION. As in a WEDDING. As in HAPPY. Gaara did not do HAPPY. He did VIOLENT. He did CRUEL. He did SILENCE. Happy would mean LOUD. Naruto would be there. Naruto would mean LOUD. LOUD SQUARED.

And if you add the value 'Gaara' to the value 'Loud Squared', you got... CHAOS. Not a good idea. Normally, Gaara would have refused. Not politely, because Gaara didn't care for tact. He was always very much an 'I hate you and I will kill you if you piss me off' person. But this time, Gaara could NOT refuse.

Ever since Konoha won the war, the siblings of the Sand had been traded to Konoha. Dropped off onto a country of idiots. They were now Leaf-Nin. And it wasn't just ANY wedding. It was the wedding of the HOKAGE. Exactly HOW that idiot Naruto had managed to be suggested as the Godaime's successor would forever be a mystery to Gaara.

Not to mention beating the other candidates. This increased Gaara's anger quite a bit. First that Beatles fan Rock Lee dared to not only show his face to Gaara, but to also FIGHT him. Lee of the Eyebrows. Gaara was sure that what should have been his eyebrows had been given to Lee instead. For that reason only, Gaara crushed Lee like an insect.

And then, as if to reaffirm Gaara's belief that the entire UNIVERSE was against him, NARUTO had showed up, with a seemingly broken personal volume control and no Mute button other than death. Gaara had been happy to try and oblige, but then the blonde moron had managed to beat him in combat. Needless to say, Gaara was an even more enraged little hell spawn because of that.

But now THIS happened. 'You have been invited to the wedding of Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura.' The gods had indeed decided to play a long series of cruel tricks upon Gaara. What had he done to deserve this? Well, besides all those killings. If you didn't count the brutal slaughters that were his trademark, NOTHING. Gaara had done NOTHING.

And to add venomous insult to poisonous injury, Naruto had been HAPPY. Gaara would have accepted defeat by someone like that Uchiha Sasuke, but Gaara wasn't sure if he would be able to move well with a metaphorical stick that far up his arse. Anyway, back to the task at hand. Gaara could either go to the wedding and try to keep the urges to slay in check, or he could give into the urges prematurely and wipe out Konoha to ensure that there WAS no wedding.

Brutal murderer or not, Gaara wasn't stupid. If he attacked the country that was now his home, Naruto would come and kick his arse into next week. And once there, Future Naruto would kick him a little bit further. And the process would continue, until Pensioner Naruto would kick him so far into the future that Naruto would have already died of old age, thus making a revenge killing impossible to achieve.

There was nothing else for it. Gaara would have to attend the wedding. As he was just getting used to that horrifying (Even for him) thought, another equally-terrifying thought crossed his tired mind. Re-reading the line to make sure he wasn't hallucinating due to lack of sleep, Gaara's left eye twitched. Then again.

'PS: Naruto wants you to be his best man,' it had read. As if that wasn't bad enough, the following line was like kicking the midget murderer while he was down. 'Make sure you learn how to slow dance,' that one had read.

Dance. D-A-N-C-E. As in the placing of one's feet in various, predetermined patterns while carefully co-ordinating one's footwork and other bodily movement with one's dancing partner and taking care NOT to bump into anybody else. But it was the word before that that finally did it for Gaara.

SLOW DANCE? As in... dancing CLOSE to another PERSON? TOUCHING said person? Gaara couldn't even get people to look his way without them muttering something nasty and unrepeatable about him. What the HELL made Sakura think that he would be able to persuade a member of the female gender to SLOW DANCE with him? They'd be more concerned with making sure he wasn't trying to KILL THEM!

Gaara was now utterly certain of at least one thing. His sole purpose for living was to provide amusement for whatever divine forces existed. That would explain why he hadn't been able to kill himself as a child... they wanted their plaything to be suitably mentally scarred and tormented for their fun.

If he ever, EVER found a way to become a God, Gaara swore to defeat EVERY SINGLE divine force that had even mocked him and found pleasure in tormenting him. But for the moment, he'd have to be content with NOT slaughtering everyone at the wedding. Learn how to slow dance? Where? He'd probably have to ask one of Sakura's friends for help. Not nice.

But neither was the thought that ran through his head a few seconds later. Best man? Don't best men make speeches? Speeches. Naruto expected HIM to make a SPEECH on his BEHALF. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT RAMEN-OBSESSED FOOL THINKING?!?

[hokuten]

ROFLMAO!!! Gaara as the best man, and how he must deal with ... this da-dancing?? you say??? LOL!!!

[Smiter]

*laughs* This is an interesting story! I also got the e-mail alert from FF.net.

Am I detecting that Hinata will help? She might be the only girl (asides from Sakura and Temari) who wouldn't run off screaming.

[alphabet]

Ahhh. . . I reviewed this on ff.net, but why not here? I really like it, and I'm also thinking that Hinata will help him. Update soon!

[Yoko]

THAT IS GREAT! I love it! I'm a Gaara fan, so I find this hilarious.... now to go work on my character...

[Blayze]

I was trying to avoid typing in Japanese, but who cares? Arigato, minna-san!

Not sure when the next chapter will be out. I'll probably write a chapter of whatever story comes to mind at the time

[sharingank]

YES!! BLAYZE!! HEART YOU!! *GLOMPS* You have done Gaara justice....*tears* SO AWESOME!!! ROFL!!!

::giggling insanely::

[Muttz]

ahahha that was great!!!!! loved it, gaara rocks man!

[Blayze]

I was a bit bored today, so I decided to write someting. I didn't know what sort of story it was that I wanted to write... then I remembered this one!

---
The Wedding - Chapter II - Prelude To Madness
---

Gaara hated Mondays. He hated them for one reason. Kankuro. It wasn't enough that he had to deal with his own morning lethargy, not to mention the death threats and mail bombs, was it? No, he had to put up with the moaning and groaning of his brother. His brother who happened to be a bit on the vocal side about his own hatred of Mondays.

But on this particular Monday, Gaara had an extra-special reason to hate Mondays. Being completely useless when it came to any form of social activity, he had shown his siblings the letter, with the words 'You help.' Being the only Genin close to Gaara with common sense, Temari had instructed him to seek out certain people who could help him.

After some 'gentle persuasion' courtesy of a stressed Gaara, Kankuro had agreed to deal with the problem of clothing. Being former Sand-nins had given them a bad reputation amongst the villagers that had led to refusals of sales and some severe overpricing that not even the patented 'Gaara Glare' could deal with.

Being the brains of the team, (With Gaara being the brawn and Kankuro being the- well, the... moving swiftly on...) Temari's suggestions for assistance were decent ones. And so it was that an even-more sleep-deprived and groggy demon host found himself standing in broad daylight, wondering where his eyesight had just gone, waiting for the words scribbled on the note in his hand to make sense to his mind.

'Catering: Akimichi clan. Floral: Yamanaka clan. Speech: Nara clan. Music/Dancing: Uchiha clan.'

As the words decided they wanted to be understood once more, Gaara studied the note. Okay, Akimichi clan for catering. Logical. Yamanaka clan for the flowers. Also logical. Nara clan for the speech. Logical, and also a way for Temari to get out of writing her brother's speech for him. Uchiha clan for the music and dancing?

Uchiha. Where had he heard that name before? Ah, yes... Uchiha Sasuke. That was i- Wait a moment. Sasuke? Oh bugger. THAT Sasuke. It was safe to say that at that particular moment in time, Gaara's potential vocabulary of swearwords had suddenly tripled, as he mentally fired off every swearword he knew and a few dozen more he didn't know he knew.

But there was no way out of it. The Uchiha clan had the Sharingan. Uchiha Sasuke had the Sharingan. The best way for Gaara to learn to dance was from someone who could steal the dance moves of a professional dancer who had sacrificed most of their life to learn how to dance. Gaara could still remember the first joke of Naruto's that had sent both him and Sasuke after the blonde's blood.

'Sharingan: Byakugan's red-headed stepchild!' This was a bad thing for Naruto to say, as both Sasuke and Gaara were pissed off at him. Sasuke had been angry because of the none-too-subtle insult to his only effective skill, and Gaara had been angry because of the insinuation about redheads. Even with healing that (As Naruto had put it) 'Finishes faster than Sasuke?; it had still taken him two weeks to recover. It would have taken only a week, but Sasuke overheard the last remark.

First stop, the Akimichi clan. The food would need to be ordered a while beforehand, in order for it to be marked as food for a customer, and thus put far away from any hungry clan members suffering sudden attacks of the munchies. Gaara knew this, but he would never be caught using the word 'Munchies.' The word seemed to be slightly 'cute', and as Akamaru had discovered when Chouji had attempted to spit-roast him, cuteness leads to death. Tasty death.

Finding his way to the Akimichi clan residence was fairly easy, as most villagers were more than happy to direct Gaara to where he wanted to go, just as long as he was moving in a direction that they weren't moving in. Using the novelty pie-shaped door knocker, Gaara only had to wait a few seconds before the door opened to reveal a woman slightly larger than the doorframe.

'Ah, one of Chou-kun's little ninja friends! CHOU-KUN! You have a visitor!'

Gaara could hear some muttering and soft thudding coming from directly above him. About ten seconds later, two people descended the stairs behind the large woman, who moved out of the way. Gaara recognised them. Chouji and Ino. Both looked slightly... dishevelled. But Gaara didn't care about that. At least now he could kill two innocents with one jutsu- er, two birds with one stone.

'You help. Wedding. Food. Flowers.'

Chouji smiled and Ino grinned. At that moment, Gaara knew he had just set himself up for something bad. Those months of being trained in humour by Naruto in an attempt to give 'Tanuki Lad' (Naruto's nickname for Gaara) a sense of humour hadn't been a total waste, it seemed.

'Aww, is ickle Gaawa-kun getting mawwied?'

At that precise moment, the idea of slaughtering everyone present despite the fatal consequences was very attractive. But Gaara held on firm. He wasn't about to lose control. He'd get back at her some other way. But right now... an idea formed in Gaara's head.

'Yes. Shino.'

Mental images of a married Gaara and Shino invaded the minds of everyone present. Gaara considered it a great shame that Naruto wasn't there to witness his moment of triumph. Once everyone was at least attempting to be serious once again, Gaara continued.

'Hokage. Sakura. Wedding. Food. Flowers. You help.'

The large woman smiled and informed Gaara that everything would be sorted out, and that she wished her clan's messenger boys were that dedicated. Gaara turned and walked away without another word. He was halfway to the Nara clan's ranch when he realised that he had been called a messenger boy.

He felt the urge to slaughter once again. This was not good. He needed a distraction. Looking around for something to occupy his attention until the killing urges subsided slightly, Gaara wasn't prepared for his distraction to find him.

'DYNAMIC EXIT!'

Spinning around to face in the direction the sudden yell had come from, Gaara was surprised to see Rock Lee seemingly explode out of a nearby doorway and fly through the air, leaving behind a trail of youth power. He was even more surprised to see Lee descend gracefully towards the other end of the street, only to get smacked in the face by a door slamming open... although not as surprised as Lee was.

'Madness infection risk. Must flee.'

[LoveHinaGuy]

*falls out of chair luaghing to death* LOL ROFLMAO LOL!!!!!!!!!! OMG THIS FIC IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

[Yoko]

Blayze, I LOFF you... THIS FIC IS AWESOME! *glomps*

[Blayze]

*rubs back of head*

Hehe...

*is glomped*

Whee!

[Smiter]

Hehe, interesting update.

Gaara still needs to work on his social skills, and poor Lee... *shakes head*

Did I detect an Ino/Chouji there?

[Blayze]

Just wait till I get around to writing the dancing section, Smiter. Even *I* have no idea who will pop up randomly

[hyuuga_fan]

WOW!! I found this story on FF.net. today, and I was all: this is such a well written story. I need to favorite this. Not to mention NaruSaku. And it was written by YOU!!

[hokuten]

ROFLMAO!!!! "Sharingan: Byakugan's Red-headed stepchild" that's freaking awesome dude! nearly laughed myself to death!