KonaKonaFan

(older referring to length of time youve been on this site, not age. although they probably are not mutually exclusive now that i think about it. also theres mentions of suicide in this post so be careful)

uh hey. its ya boi kona/ashtyn. i suddenly remembered this site i spent a lot of my teen years on and came back on to take a look around see whats different. i see a lot of usernames i dont recognize (either they are new or i just forgot them, i have an awful memory). which is weird to think about, cuz there was a time where i knew almost everyone who regularly posted here, and i would chat with a few of you all day after school. i really cared about yall, and theres a part of me who still does, despite not talking to yall in literal years. like...i have a lot of history with this site. i looked at my profile and thru my posts and...well

other people who have been here a while (esp those who have been here for like 15 years or whatever, i mean PHEW i only joined in 09), do u ever look back on ur old posts on here and it just brings about this really weird response in you? nothing quite captures the way ur life was back then the way ur old posts on a website you frequented does imo. when i joined this website i was 13. i was a good kid and only lurked this site until the rules said i could join lol. that was a year after my depression and suicide ideation started, which just got worse as my teen years went on. and GEE does it show. im 20 now. when i look at my posts i just see the reflection of a mentally ill, closeted lesbian living in an oppressively religious household. i just see such an intensely angry person. even tho i often was cheerful in my posts, especially in the early days, i can still see a darker, more upsetting side to them. im not even sure if anyone else who reads them could see that! i just know the state of mind i was in when i made them.

i went thru something similar when i looked thru my old ff.net account. if u look at the description you can see my particular reaction to that! the words are basically the same- i was dealing with a lotta shi- i forgot you cant curse on here. um. i was dealing with a lotta schnitzel when i wrote them so i did away with them so i wouldnt have to look at them again. thing is tho i cant really do the same here. my first reaction was to delete my account and see if that took care of that. but then i realized how much i didnt want to. yeah, my posts reflected anger, but they also reflected love when i interacted with some o yall, yall know who u are. i dont want to get rid of that. besides, that sad little girl will always be a part of me, whether i want to or not. becoming an adult recovering from ptsd formed in ur childhood meant that even tho memory repression can be a normal coping mechanism, it can also be running away from things instead of coming to terms with them (which ofc should be done when ur ready for it to be done)

so uh. heres to adulthood being the revenge for childhood.

also this went in a whole different direction than i thought it would so! the discussion question i intended to propose was: older members, do u ever see ur older posts and it triggers a similar response that it did to me, whether its a happy, negative, or whatever one?