Good questions. I am glad you asked them. So I shall start...
My first question is, why does a guy that says he wants to be your friend ignore you? I had a male bff and we fell out like 4 years ago – then reconnected and he said all is fine I want to be your friend. We hung out and talked until 4am. Thing is we were supersuper close. So when he stopped talking to me(after our reunion) I said to him, that can take a hint, handle rejection and move on, but I that I wanted honesty. Once again he insisted he wanted to be my friend. Usually, when I'm not interested in a guy, I do ignore them but if they don't get it I tell them the truth directly.
Now he only talks to me if I talk to him first, and it can take him a week before he answers. So I no longer talk to him, I have no problem enjoying my life but it don't quite get him. I understand even the best of friends fall out, but why is he keeping me on the edge? Does he mean "friends" as in "acquintances"? Why not just use that word then? So we're "friends" now but not according to my definition.
Ah yes. This is something that happens quite a lot between men and women. It is actually not just a men thing either. I see women do this alot too. Some people even takes these to an extreme with vindictive intentions and it is horrible. Truth of the matter is impressions are key and men....well, we don't really look for companionship with women. We are not really programed that way. It is hard for us to be friends with girls because men like to keep things simple. S-E-X. Simple. If we really wanted companionship and friendship...we'd get a golden retriever.
Now, people could say this makes men pig-headed, but its just the way men are programmed. Nature made us this way. We are not doing it this way because we are evil, perverted, or sadistic. Our chemicals in our brains seem to affect us differently. It is a very similar way why women will get envious or jealous of men talking to other women even in a friendly way. Women know that other women will use their assets to gain a mate.
This is natural. We kind of do this without thinking. Out of any and all relationships you have had, if your man is talking to another women that you feel is cuter than you, would you assume he is flirting with her if he is being friendly? On instinct, yes. Why? Because women are built that way. We have the similar impulse as other animals in mating and dominance. That is the same impulse. So men try to be careful by avoiding it altogether. We are problem solvers. We try to use practical sense to solve problems. If something could lead to trouble our first thought is to avoid it. Practical.
I will say it is also hard for men to talk to women without coming off flirtatiously. I myself had this problem where another man got jealous of me because I was talking to his girlfriend in a flirtatious manor even though I was with my own girlfriend. On my end, I thought I was just being nice and was innocent, but people can interpret wrong or it comes off differently. It is my natural instinct to talk to potential mates a certain way just as it is natural for another male to be threatened by it even if logically I am only being friendly. (Fun fact: Did you know the reason why old people smell bad to everyone else is not because they are dirty, but because it is the bodies natural musk to tell others that they are no longer potential mates?)
I have a few ideas what is going through the boys head.
1. He still likes you in some way and trying to be careful not to start something. It is really hard for SINGLE men to be friends with women because we men love to be in relationships. Straight men love women. We love them and it is hard to control that impulse. So our natural practical impulse is to try and avoid it. You ever notice gay men seem to have more female friends? Same concept, but reversed.
2. Because women tend to be more openly emotional than men, it leads to some...misinterpretations. We talk to another girl who our GF/wife doesn't know existed before and she might get the wrong idea. It's not a wrong feeling, it is just an impulse of natural instinct. It is okay to be jealous We also want to avoid this because it always leads to more fighting.
3. People love to gossip. Hooking back up with an ex even though it is only on friendly terms kind of sends weird messages to some people. I am sure you see in Romance movies sometimes where the guy talks to his old Ex and the girl assumes "OMG, he is getting back together with her." Yeah, men don't like this and again it causes so much misinterpretations that it is a pain. Some take it the wrong way and the trust is forever broken between him and his newer relationship because she keeps this thought in the back of her mind that at any moment he would leave her and go back to his ex. (Sometimes even the ex tries to sabotage the new found relationship because for some reason women love being the downfall to other women.) Solution going through his head? "Don't talk to the Ex even on friendly terms."
Solution: Ask him truthfully if he feels awkward or uncomfortable and wait for a response. It won't come immediately. Give him some space and just be there when you can. If you truly value the friendship then you have to show that this is okay. That he can go at his own pace and I think things will get better. He is dealing with things in his head that he is trying to put in a row. Especially if he is young like between 18-24. Men love to be shown that you care about their feelings and their concerns. That they matter. You want to keep it as friends? You can still be that, but it will take time for him to process this and know his place.
If not, well, sadly things happens and things end. Life moves forward. You can tell him you are not angry at him and let him know he is safe to express how he feels and just talk, but let him make the move. Forcing him will only drive him deeper in wanting to be alone.
At the end of the day, even if the friendship does not work out, you can just tell him that while you wish things were different they aren't and its okay to feel as he does. You don't blame him and that you still care enough to see him smile again. No matter what, he will be okay and he will figure it out. He just has to figure himself out first.
The 2nd question is about a guy that asked me out. I told him I wasn't into him but that we could go out as friends. I couldn't be clearer with my words and I repeated it to him several times. He wouldn't let me pay for my own meal, and I didn't expect roses either but ok. I went out with him a second time because he wanted to buy me even more food, and I felt with my direct language his time and money was his responsibility. I just dumped him however, since he tried way too hard and all that chivarly stressed me out. I don't really like using people(even for free food) and I felt my rejection wasn't taken seriously. My question is, would you do the same out of kindness/friendship, or only if you suspected you had a chance with someone even when you'd already been friendzoned.
The question I have is how old is this person? Age really does make a difference. Believe me, when I was like 24 I wanted to be that "white knight" all the time because this is what I thought women wanted. This is what we were taught as men growing up. At least, this is what I was taught. Men are stubborn when we get attracted. It's trying to fight against natural impulses.
The guy is trying to get you to warm up to him. He is really into you even though you are not into him. I am not sure how exactly you are telling this person and not saying you are wrong. Just saying that it may not come off as you might think it is and the interpretation might come off wrong, but I am not there so I can't give an exact idea. What I can say is that sometimes it is not what you do, but what you don't do that can give a clearer message. Examples of what I said above about misinterpretatons.
To answer the question of whether I would do what he does to show friendship? Yes and no. Yes to maybe buying dinner or lunch, but no on the roses. I would never buy a person that kind of gift for a friendship. That is way too "naive romanticism" as I would call it. Now, if he invited you to lunch, then yes it would be proper for him to pay for it. In my thinking process I invited you to hang out so I am making the offer to pay. That is kind of my rules in this situation. If he bought you flowers for your birthday that are your favorite flower then that is just a friendly gesture, but roses out of the blue? Yeah, he is trying to seduce you by showering with gifts. Sadly, this is the wrong kind of teaching that you see from bad romance movies. "Flowers and chocolates" like a weird Valentine.
Solution: If putting it blunt won't work then try a newer method. Ignore him. It is not an easy nor a quick solution. Remember that abusive fiance? Well, I broke up with her too and tried to remain friends, but she stalked me for a while. I tried talking and it didn't do do anything. I gave her an ultimatum in a kind way and said that she either stops or the whole thing stops. She didn't stop so I ignored her all together. It took about 3 months for her to finally get the hint with each method of contact slowly be taken away. First I blocked her on my phone, then social media, then letters, and then everything else. Luckily, I did not have to get a restraining order.
This is a boy who means well, but is letting his impulses get to him. He wants to so badly impress you and it is not working and he is not taking "no" for an answer. Not entirely his fault, he is going by impulse, but he needs to learn to be better. Unfortunately, sometimes you need to give tough love. Not yell at him or treat him like garbage, but maybe you have to ignore him so he can move on. Bring friendly kind of gives him the idea that you are interested. We are stupid like that. XD He might be mad at you, but it is a sacrifice that kind of goes with the territory. I don't know if you know other guy friends who can talk to him. Someone older and more refined to lay down the truth, but he needs to get a hint other than from yourself.
If I was there I would speak to him myself, but sorry I cannot be there.
Overall, both questions are about our natural impulses, instincts, and emotions. It is perfectly okay to feel everything they do, but when we start letting our emotions run wild that is when trouble starts.
It is okay to be jealous and envious, but try to not be paranoid.
It is okay to be angry, but don't let it consume you.
It is okay to be all of this, but don't let it run amok.
When we run on pure impulse we become less logical and more primitive. We have evolved to be smarter, but it is still apart of us on a basic level.
The three most important things to any good relationship whether friendship or more is Communication, Compassion, and Compromise. Talk to each other, understand each other, find agreements with each other. People who fail these end up in trouble.
I hope these answers help.
Edited by James S Cassidy, 05 February 2019 - 10:59 PM.