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Ask Me Anything about Men

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#1 James S Cassidy

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Posted 05 February 2019 - 06:51 PM

Hello,

You all know me as James S Cassidy. My real names is Scott James Sommer. I am 32 years old male. I'm bisexual. I am getting married to a female and have seen my fair share of romances. I have been in more than 20 relationships and have had at least four fiances.

Why am I telling you this? Well, because I want to show that I have been around the block and have experienced quite a few things. Especially in the relationships between men and women. My first fiance died in a tragic accident. My second turned abusive and cheated on me. My third faded away and disappeared never seeing her again. And the fourth I am currently marrying in about 2 months from this day.

The reason why I am starting this thread is because I know some of you have issues and I want to help. No, I don't want to pry into your private life. I want to give real insight and real answers to questions some of you may have. I may even fix some problems and make relationships better. Too many times do I see love being broken over a simple misunderstanding. You can ask as specific or as general as you want.

So here is your chance, especially for you ladies out there, to ask me ANYTHING about Men you are confused about and ways you can fix the issues between you and him. Ask anything you want. No question is off the table. I'll even let you in on the male secrets that you might not know about.

Now things to keep in mind.
1. I am treating men and women "Buy in large." That's mean men generally tend to act a certain way, women generally tend to act a certain way. I know this is not always true...I get it. So if you find something that doesn't apply to you or apply to the other person...don't get mad just interpolate. The answers still work, just apply them to the other side. 

2. I can't fix all relationships. Sometimes, the relationships just don't work out. I'm sorry, but I can't make promises like that. I can, however, help you fix some things with yourself and fix somethings that could solve so many problems in the future and say even help you find the right person you are looking for. it is okay to have standards, but you also need to be flexible. Getting mad and trying to fight back only makes matters worse, not better.

3. I will be straight up honest with you. I will not BS you in any way. I know some concepts might be hard to accept, but trust me they are true. Example: "When a man says he is thinking about nothing...he literally means he is thinking about nothing. Men can do this. Women generally have a hard time understanding this concept."

So, please, ask away. Don't be afraid. I promise this will be fun and not a "beating you up cause you are a bad person."


Edited by James S Cassidy, 05 February 2019 - 06:55 PM.

I hate being Bi-Polar. It's awesome.
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#2 sushi.

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Posted 05 February 2019 - 08:28 PM

So sorry for all your stories and best of luck to you and your fiance.

 

My first question is, why does a guy that says he wants to be your friend ignore you? I had a male bff and we fell out like 4 years ago – then reconnected and he said all is fine I want to be your friend. We hung out and talked until 4am. Thing is we were supersuper close. So when he stopped talking to me(after our reunion) I said to him, that can take a hint, handle rejection and move on, but I that I wanted honesty. Once again he insisted he wanted to be my friend. Usually, when I'm not interested in a guy, I do ignore them but if they don't get it I tell them the truth directly.

 

Now he only talks to me if I talk to him first, and it can take him a week before he answers. So I no longer talk to him, I have no problem enjoying my life but it don't quite get him. I understand even the best of friends fall out, but why is he keeping me on the edge? Does he mean "friends" as in "acquintances"? Why not just use that word then? So we're "friends" now but not according to my definition.

 

The 2nd question is about a guy that asked me out. I told him I wasn't into him but that we could go out as friends. I couldn't be clearer with my words and I repeated it to him several times. He wouldn't let me pay for my own meal, and I didn't expect roses either but ok. I went out with him a second time because he wanted to buy me even more food, and I felt with my direct language his time and money was his responsibility. I just dumped him however, since he tried way too hard and all that chivarly stressed me out. I don't really like using people(even for free food) and I felt my rejection wasn't taken seriously. My question is, would you do the same out of kindness/friendship, or only if you suspected you had a chance with someone even when you'd already been friendzoned.

 

:headscratch:


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#3 James S Cassidy

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Posted 05 February 2019 - 10:21 PM

Good questions. I am glad you asked them. So I shall start...
 

My first question is, why does a guy that says he wants to be your friend ignore you? I had a male bff and we fell out like 4 years ago – then reconnected and he said all is fine I want to be your friend. We hung out and talked until 4am. Thing is we were supersuper close. So when he stopped talking to me(after our reunion) I said to him, that can take a hint, handle rejection and move on, but I that I wanted honesty. Once again he insisted he wanted to be my friend. Usually, when I'm not interested in a guy, I do ignore them but if they don't get it I tell them the truth directly.

 

Now he only talks to me if I talk to him first, and it can take him a week before he answers. So I no longer talk to him, I have no problem enjoying my life but it don't quite get him. I understand even the best of friends fall out, but why is he keeping me on the edge? Does he mean "friends" as in "acquintances"? Why not just use that word then? So we're "friends" now but not according to my definition.

Ah yes. This is something that happens quite a lot between men and women. It is actually not just a men thing either. I see women do this alot too. Some people even takes these to an extreme with vindictive intentions and it is horrible. Truth of the matter is impressions are key and men....well, we don't really look for companionship with women. We are not really programed that way. It is hard for us to be friends with girls because men like to keep things simple. S-E-X. Simple. If we really wanted companionship and friendship...we'd get a golden retriever.

Now, people could say this makes men pig-headed, but its just the way men are programmed. Nature made us this way. We are not doing it this way because we are evil, perverted, or sadistic.  Our chemicals in our brains seem to affect us differently. It is a very similar way why women will get envious or jealous of men talking to other women even in a friendly way. Women know that other women will use their assets to gain a mate.

This is natural. We kind of do this without thinking. Out of any and all relationships you have had, if your man is talking to another women that you feel is cuter than you, would you assume he is flirting with her if he is being friendly? On instinct, yes. Why? Because women are built that way. We have the similar impulse as other animals in mating and dominance. That is the same impulse. So men try to be careful by avoiding it altogether. We are problem solvers. We try to use practical sense to solve problems. If something could lead to trouble our first thought is to avoid it. Practical.

I will say it is also hard for men to talk to women without coming off flirtatiously. I myself had this problem where another man got jealous of me because I was talking to his girlfriend in a flirtatious manor even though I was with my own girlfriend. On my end, I thought I was just being nice and was innocent, but people can interpret wrong or it comes off differently. It is my natural instinct to talk to potential mates a certain way just as it is natural for another male to be threatened by it even if logically I am only being friendly. (Fun fact: Did you know the reason why old people smell bad to everyone else is not because they are dirty, but because it is the bodies natural musk to tell others that they are no longer potential mates?)

I have a few ideas what is going through the boys head.
1. He still likes you in some way and trying to be careful not to start something. It is really hard for SINGLE men to be friends with women because we men love to be in relationships. Straight men love women. We love them and it is hard to control that impulse. So our natural practical impulse is to try and avoid it. You ever notice gay men seem to have more female friends? Same concept, but reversed.

2. Because women tend to be more openly emotional than men, it leads to some...misinterpretations. We talk to another girl who our GF/wife doesn't know existed before and she might get the wrong idea. It's not a wrong feeling, it is just an impulse of natural instinct. It is okay to be jealous We also want to avoid this because it always leads to more fighting.

3. People love to gossip. Hooking back up with an ex even though it is only on friendly terms kind of sends weird messages to some people. I am sure you see in Romance movies sometimes where the guy talks to his old Ex and the girl assumes "OMG, he is getting back together with her." Yeah, men don't like this and again it causes so much misinterpretations that it is a pain. Some take it the wrong way and the trust is forever broken between him and his newer relationship because she keeps this thought in the back of her mind that at any moment he would leave her and go back to his ex. (Sometimes even the ex tries to sabotage the new found relationship because for some reason women love being the downfall to other women.) Solution going through his head? "Don't talk to the Ex even on friendly terms."

Solution: Ask him truthfully if he feels awkward or uncomfortable and wait for a response. It won't come immediately. Give him some space and just be there when you can. If you truly value the friendship then you have to show that this is okay. That he can go at his own pace and I think things will get better. He is dealing with things in his head that he is trying to put in a row. Especially if he is young like between 18-24. Men love to be shown that you care about their feelings and their concerns. That they matter. You want to keep it as friends? You can still be that, but it will take time for him to process this and know his place.

If not, well, sadly things happens and things end. Life moves forward. You can tell him you are not angry at him and let him know he is safe to express how he feels and just talk, but let him make the move. Forcing him will only drive him deeper in wanting to be alone.

At the end of the day, even if the friendship does not work out, you can just tell him that while you wish things were different they aren't and its okay to feel as he does. You don't blame him and that you still care enough to see him smile again. No matter what, he will be okay and he will figure it out. He just has to figure himself out first.
 

The 2nd question is about a guy that asked me out. I told him I wasn't into him but that we could go out as friends. I couldn't be clearer with my words and I repeated it to him several times. He wouldn't let me pay for my own meal, and I didn't expect roses either but ok. I went out with him a second time because he wanted to buy me even more food, and I felt with my direct language his time and money was his responsibility. I just dumped him however, since he tried way too hard and all that chivarly stressed me out. I don't really like using people(even for free food) and I felt my rejection wasn't taken seriously. My question is, would you do the same out of kindness/friendship, or only if you suspected you had a chance with someone even when you'd already been friendzoned.

The question I have is how old is this person? Age really does make a difference. Believe me, when I was like 24 I wanted to be that "white knight" all the time because this is what I thought women wanted. This is what we were taught as men growing up. At least, this is what I was taught. Men are stubborn when we get attracted. It's trying to fight against natural impulses.

The guy is trying to get you to warm up to him. He is really into you even though you are not into him. I am not sure how exactly you are telling this person and not saying you are wrong. Just saying that it may not come off as you might think it is and the interpretation might come off wrong, but I am not there so I can't give an exact idea. What I can say is that sometimes it is not what you do, but what you don't do that can give a clearer message. Examples of what I said above about misinterpretatons.

To answer the question of whether I would do what he does to show friendship? Yes and no. Yes to maybe buying dinner or lunch, but no on the roses. I would never buy a person that kind of gift for a friendship. That is way too "naive romanticism" as I would call it. Now, if he invited you to lunch, then yes it would be proper for him to pay for it. In my thinking process I invited you to hang out so I am making the offer to pay. That is kind of my rules in this situation. If he bought you flowers for your birthday that are your favorite flower then that is just a friendly gesture, but roses out of the blue? Yeah, he is trying to seduce you by showering with gifts. Sadly, this is the wrong kind of teaching that you see from bad romance movies. "Flowers and chocolates" like a weird Valentine. 

Solution: If putting it blunt won't work then try a newer method. Ignore him. It is not an easy nor a quick solution. Remember that abusive fiance? Well, I broke up with her too and tried to remain friends, but she stalked me for a while. I tried talking and it didn't do do anything. I gave her an ultimatum in a kind way and said that she either stops or the whole thing stops. She didn't stop so I ignored her all together. It took about 3 months for her to finally get the hint with each method of contact slowly be taken away. First I blocked her on my phone, then social media, then letters, and then everything else. Luckily, I did not have to get a restraining order.

This is a boy who means well, but is letting his impulses get to him. He wants to so badly impress you and it is not working and he is not taking "no" for an answer. Not entirely his fault, he is going by impulse, but he needs to learn to be better. Unfortunately, sometimes you need to give tough love. Not yell at him or treat him like garbage, but maybe you have to ignore him so he can move on. Bring friendly kind of gives him the idea that you are interested. We are stupid like that. XD He might be mad at you, but it is a sacrifice that kind of goes with the territory. I don't know if you know other guy friends who can talk to him. Someone older and more refined to lay down the truth, but he needs to get a hint other than from yourself.

If I was there I would speak to him myself, but sorry I cannot be there.

Overall, both questions are about our natural impulses, instincts, and emotions. It is perfectly okay to feel everything they do, but when we start letting our emotions run wild that is when trouble starts.
It is okay to be jealous and envious, but try to not be paranoid.
It is okay to be angry, but don't let it consume you.
It is okay to be all of this, but don't let it run amok.

When we run on pure impulse we become less logical and more primitive. We have evolved to be smarter, but it is still apart of us on a basic level.

The three most important things to any good relationship whether friendship or more is Communication, Compassion, and Compromise. Talk to each other, understand each other, find agreements with each other. People who fail these end up in trouble.

I hope these answers help.
 


Edited by James S Cassidy, 05 February 2019 - 10:59 PM.

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#4 sushi.

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Posted 05 February 2019 - 10:55 PM

Thank you for the answer. About the first guy, I don't think it's about sex or attraction at all because, and I should've mentioned that - almost all his friends are women and he's gay/bi/prefers men. So he's truly just a friend, we grew up together so he's 23 same as me. It is strange that he says we're friends but has been actively not clicking on my fb message for a week. I thought we'd known eachother for so long he'd be direct with me. I won't talk to him but if he wants to hang out I'll probably say yes. However I don't like being thrown away by people and stay available whenever it's convinient for them. So I may ask him "why now?" when he contacts me again. I'm reluctant to confront him directly since I've done it before, and it didn't work.

 

The second guy, he's trying to make me change my mind I get it now. :sweatdrop: 32 yo, a bit too old to think chivalry and old time romcom is a good flirting method. I freak out a little bit with guys that roll out the red carpet instead of being themselves. I even thanked no to cupcakes and he still bought one for each. He's reaching.  -_- I want us to remain friendly because he is a part-time colleague, and I hope my rejection won't cause any tension. He just asked me on another date, and I did try ignoring him before being blunt. In the end I only replied "I'm not interested, very sorry". He has tired me out and I don't want him to try debating with me, so I don't think I'll elaborate. I also think a rejection is kinder than ignoring someone.


Edited by sushi., 05 February 2019 - 10:59 PM.

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#5 James S Cassidy

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Posted 06 February 2019 - 12:02 AM

Thank you for the answer. About the first guy, I don't think it's about sex or attraction at all because, and I should've mentioned that - almost all his friends are women and he's gay/bi/prefers men. So he's truly just a friend, we grew up together so he's 23 same as me. It is strange that he says we're friends but has been actively not clicking on my fb message for a week. I thought we'd known each other for so long he'd be direct with me. I won't talk to him but if he wants to hang out I'll probably say yes. However I don't like being thrown away by people and stay available whenever it's convinient for them. So I may ask him "why now?" when he contacts me again. I'm reluctant to confront him directly since I've done it before, and it didn't work.

Are you sure?

If that's the case, then something is tripping him up. Work? Bad relationship? Heck, it may even be something you did that you don't realize you did. One problem I see from some people is they ask me "I didn't do anything, why are they still like this?" Truth be told, just because you think you didn't do something doesn't mean you didn't do something. Maybe not intentionally, but doesn't mean it makes it less impactful or critical. My mother and my relationship is like this. I haven't spoken to her in 3 years because she hurt me in ways she can't seem to understand. She goes on and on about how I hurt her, but I tried so hard to do things the way she wanted until it go to a point where she literally tried to tell me who I am and what I wanted and who I loved. When my brother was dying in the hospital, and she refused to tell me and lied about why she didn't tell me when I found everyone else knew, but me, it made me lose trust in her. Luckily, I got to see my brother one last time before he passed away thanks to his best friend who I am good friends with now too.

Ask his other friends, if you can, if he still talks to them and have a good relationship with them. If he is just as closed to them as he is to you, then it is something in his life he is going through. If he is closed off only to you, then you know you did something and you can't quite figure it out. Like I said, communication is key. You can't do better if you don't know better and if it were me I rather know the truth than to be left in the dark. If it really is nothing you did and he is just going through some stuff, then just give him time. He will come around eventually.

One thing I will say is, and please don't take this the wrong way, is I notice that you point how you reflect. "I noticed," "I feel," "I thought," "I won't." He is not you. What does he feel? What does he think? What did he notice that you didn't? This is another problem I see at times and we feel that if we are this way...then they must be this way. Not true. Sometimes we don't even know what we do sometimes and it takes a third party to point it out. Happens to me too. When I realize the actual situation and not my own perceived situation, it shocks me to know I did something that was taken wrong. Noone's fault. Just different.

You don't know what the real problem is, so it is hard to find a solution. Figure out the problem first if you can by asking his other friends, if you can, how he is with them. Don't ask them "what is his problem?" Instead ask, questions like "How is such and such been? Have you guys talked?" Seemingly innocent questions can give answers you don't realize. Otherwise, just give it time. He will come out of it and tell you or if he doesn't, take it as a hint to what it might be.

So, this would be your new goal.

As much as we hate the idea, just because we know people for a lifetime does not mean they can't change and end what usually was. I knew my mother my whole life and never thought she could do what she did to me and yet, here I am in that situation with me and my mother not talking. A harsh truth that we never want to face, but I had to make a choice...it was either my life and my happiness or her happiness and my misery. You would think a parent would want their child to live their life and spread their wings. My mother tried chaining me to the nest and nearly destroyed my life to the point that I was almost suicidal.

I still love my mom, but your life is your life. She can either follow or be left behind.

"True knowledge is in knowing that you know nothing."
-Socrates
 

The second guy, he's trying to make me change my mind I get it now. :sweatdrop: 32 yo, a bit too old to think chivalry and old time romcom is a good flirting method. I freak out a little bit with guys that roll out the red carpet instead of being themselves. I even thanked no to cupcakes and he still bought one for each. He's reaching.  -_- I want us to remain friendly because he is a part-time colleague, and I hope my rejection won't cause any tension. He just asked me on another date, and I did try ignoring him before being blunt. In the end I only replied "I'm not interested, very sorry". He has tired me out and I don't want him to try debating with me, so I don't think I'll elaborate. I also think a rejection is kinder than ignoring someone.

Then he wasn't trained well if he is that old and doesn't know better.

What you think is fine, but some times you have to draw lines. How far is too far? People refuse to do some things because they feel if they do do it it makes them a bad person, but I might add that if the other person really did care about you as much as they say they do...they would be paying attention to what you are saying. That is a fault on him.

Men have different ways of expressing emotion, but there is a limit. They have to pay attention which men have a problem with because, if you think of it like a computer, we can only run one program at a time. He needs to stop what he is doing and boot up the "Listen to her" program. (Give him a chance to reboot. XD) He is a big boy, he can handle himself. He will not die.

You don't have to do what I say to do, but it is an option as much as you might not like it. Sometimes...it is the only option and if it comes to it...sometimes we have to make choices we don't want to. At least you know you made the choice and not the choice making you. I chose to not speak to my mother and moved away because I didn't want to hate my mother after all of it. I didn't want to fight...so I left to avoid it hopefully giving my mother a hint to my intention. I even planted hints that she still can't pick up on. I can't make her see my way by force. I have to make her figure it out on her own.
 

Eventually, no matter how good a person you are, you stand up saying "enough is enough."


Edited by James S Cassidy, 06 February 2019 - 12:30 AM.

I hate being Bi-Polar. It's awesome.
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