63 replies to this topic

[DasDeke]

I've liked the story so far. The fox part is interesting, with both containers taking on the actions and instincts of their counterparts. So far it seems to be going well; you'd done pretty well catching the characters in their own personas. I only thing I didn't like was the outfits given by the foxes. A bit corny. YET I really liked the outfits that Naruto started out with in the story. The sakura blossoms on the gloves was a very nice touch. Keep up the work! :thumbs: Oh yeah and I dig whom you made Naruto's mom as

[Stillnotwalking]

Finally Updated Hope yall like "THE SANDS REQUEST" and keep an eye out for "THE FAMILY MEETING" coming to a computer near you.

[Stillnotwalking]

Does anybody here want to draw a picture of the Characters, mainly Naruto and Sakura, for me? I can't pay or anything but I've been getting a lot of requests by email for some sort of visualization. I'd appreciate any help finding something.

[Stillnotwalking]

UPDATEEDDDDDEEDDDD :shamefulcry0js: :shamefulcry0js: so looonnnnggg


Hey guys, love me come and read and review. Hope yall had a wonder ful weekend.

Happy New Year

~Stillnotwalking

[karasu]

I did review on Fanfiction.net even sent a message. But in case ya don't get those good story and yes very amusing quite a number of laughs. I'm eagerly anticipating the next chapter to see what other mishaps can come up. The original concept of it is rather funny with the dynamics of the foxes and the "couple" specially Kotetsu's mischief. Now the question is how is the relationship on the human side going to fair, and who will their "cubs" take more after? Will they have sakura's temper? Naruto's mischief? all of the above? I'm eager to see the next chapters quicker but seems life has a funny way of getting in the way of things.

Still though soon as you finish that next chapter get it up I wanna see what happens next. Specially if it happens before my trip in less then 2 weeks. I'll be deprived of evil internet goodness for 3 whole weeks.....then again I'll be in japan. So I think the tradeoff is worth it but still! MORE STORY PLEASE! don't make me pull out the puppy eyes...... :thumbs:

[Stillnotwalking]

[quote name='karasu' date='Jan 4 2007, 01:18 PM' post='96907']

Thanks for your review, appreciate it. As For what you asked about struggling for the truth, well I'm not sure if i'm gonna update it quite yet. I probably am, but revelations has a larger fan base and i'm writing a few other fictions as well. We'll see, though since you asked i wouldn't be suprised if i update soon...especially if you only have two weeks...japan...lucky bastard...EAT SOME RAMEN FOR ME!!!

[animefan]

Nice Chapter... I wish u update soon :shamefulcry0js: moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee karasu's so lucky going to japan :thumbs: eat some food for me will ya

[karasu]

If I'm eating all that food for you guys when am I gonna eat for me? I mean come on my tummy is only so big ya know? I guess I'll eat some pocky or at least 10 bowls of Ramen(must resist Naruto eating spree)......Ah well we'll see what happens just make sure More story I want more more more more. :devil:

[Keyes]

I have to say i like what i read (all 10 chapters). I thought it kinda cheesy at first that the Kyubbi can now transfer and between bodies. But its origonal. Overall i want more chapters to come. 9/10 (nothing is perfect)

[karasu]

Hmmm still no new chapter guess we gotta tar and feather...... Nah just kidding hope get to see it before my trip to Japan if not I'll have to wait and read whatever you put out while i'm gone after the 3 weeks are up. RAMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Though I guess you got the pocky too. But hey there is even more right? Oh well hope it comes out soon if not alot of waiting to do. :shamefulcry0js:

[Stillnotwalking]

Hmmm still no new chapter guess we gotta tar and feather...... Nah just kidding hope get to see it before my trip to Japan if not I'll have to wait and read whatever you put out while i'm gone after the 3 weeks are up. RAMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Though I guess you got the pocky too. But hey there is even more right? Oh well hope it comes out soon if not alot of waiting to do. :shamefulcry0js:

I'll try to get something up for you. My cousin came in for a visit before she goes back to college, so I've been camping, but I'll see what I can do.

[karasu]

Nah don't rush a chapter just for me or anyone for that matter. I'd rather just wait and get a quality chapter then something rushed. As for the Cousin I know how life can get in the way so no worries there completely understand even though some don't. :thumbs: Readers often forget that even author's have lives too and just don't sit around waiting for good ideas to put into a story. Enjoy the time with your cousin and if it's up I look forward to the new chapter when I get back. Just remember Quality over quantity and tar and feathering makes for good motivations! All else fails I'll just taunt you with Ramen while in japan heheh. :devil:

[TikiTDO]

I'm a pretty tough reviewer, but stick with me. I don't go out of my way to be mean. Also, I'm neither an English major nor a particular good writer, so don't take this as some high mandate.

The story flows pretty well, and the plot is sufficiently original that I don't cringe. That said there are a few problems. The most obvious of these is your focus on dialogue. I chose a random chapter (Nine in this case), and did a quick analysis. In 233 paragraphs you have 162 instances of quoted speech, 125 of which begin a paragraph. This means over half of the chapter is dedicated in some way to characters talking. The number of single sentence paragraphs is also quite high, so when all is said and done only 20 to 30 percent of your story is devoted to narration. Though dialogue, and perhaps monologue, is important, it should not overwhelm your ability to give other information.

While on the topic of narration. You do not spend a lot of time explaining your character's thoughts. If Sakura is angry at Naruto you could write some "angry" actions, or if she is just playing you could mention a hidden smile, or an air of mischief. Of course you could delve directly into her mind as is your right when writing in third person, but that may or may not be the best solution for your story.

Next, the characters develop a bit fast to be realistic. After being gone for five years I would expect Sakura to be more hesitant about Naruto. She would have spent all this time with her own friends and colleagues, and therefore would now be quite so sure when meeting with an old face. On a related topic, the sheer amount of fluff that goes on in the later chapters is a bit overwhelming. You need not have them refer to each other as love every other word for us to see that they are romantically involved.

Finally on the originality of the plot. Though you do avoid many chichés, you do manage to hit a fair share of them. My advice there, go over your plan for the story, assuming you have one, and think carefully of how often you see similar ideas in other fan fics. That said, you needn't make your story perfectly original, there are lots of stories that take an overused concept and work with it to incredible results. Just be careful of writing too much of what people have already seen.

I probably made lots of mistakes here, but I need to run to class now. I will though go over what I wrote when I return.

[finalninja]

MAN!!!!!!!!! that is the greatest fanfic that I ever read.
when are you going to make more

[Stillnotwalking]

I'm a pretty tough reviewer, but stick with me. I don't go out of my way to be mean. Also, I'm neither an English major nor a particular good writer, so don't take this as some high mandate.

The story flows pretty well, and the plot is sufficiently original that I don't cringe. That said there are a few problems. The most obvious of these is your focus on dialogue. I chose a random chapter (Nine in this case), and did a quick analysis. In 233 paragraphs you have 162 instances of quoted speech, 125 of which begin a paragraph. This means over half of the chapter is dedicated in some way to characters talking. The number of single sentence paragraphs is also quite high, so when all is said and done only 20 to 30 percent of your story is devoted to narration. Though dialogue, and perhaps monologue, is important, it should not overwhelm your ability to give other information.

While on the topic of narration. You do not spend a lot of time explaining your character's thoughts. If Sakura is angry at Naruto you could write some "angry" actions, or if she is just playing you could mention a hidden smile, or an air of mischief. Of course you could delve directly into her mind as is your right when writing in third person, but that may or may not be the best solution for your story.

Next, the characters develop a bit fast to be realistic. After being gone for five years I would expect Sakura to be more hesitant about Naruto. She would have spent all this time with her own friends and colleagues, and therefore would now be quite so sure when meeting with an old face. On a related topic, the sheer amount of fluff that goes on in the later chapters is a bit overwhelming. You need not have them refer to each other as love every other word for us to see that they are romantically involved.

Finally on the originality of the plot. Though you do avoid many chichés, you do manage to hit a fair share of them. My advice there, go over your plan for the story, assuming you have one, and think carefully of how often you see similar ideas in other fan fics. That said, you needn't make your story perfectly original, there are lots of stories that take an overused concept and work with it to incredible results. Just be careful of writing too much of what people have already seen.

I probably made lots of mistakes here, but I need to run to class now. I will though go over what I wrote when I return.

, I've been scolded YAY!! Ha, i was waiting for someone to catch onto the lack of narration. Now I'll explain my thoughts a little bit, please understand that I am in no way attacking you. Just wanted to make that clear.

Alright, first off, I realize there is a lot of talking, this is manly because the story hasn't really started yet. Yes, dear readers, 11 chapters and I'm not really into the story yet. As I hinted in the first chapter there is a war going on. The sound is moving in and Konoha and their allies have to react. More than that moral is low, due to a few losses that I haven't touched on yet.

Now, saying that, you are right about things moving a little fast. In total, the amount of time that has passed in these chapters is somewhere around 2 weeks; possibly even a little shorter. So yes, the romance may seem a little rushed. However, the reason this is happening is exactly because of the time span between Naruto's training time with Jiraya and his return. Now, the way I look at it is Sakura had built a very close friendship with the other members of team seven. When Sasuke left in vanity and Sakura asked Naruto to go after him, she was pleading for him to crush his own heart for her. Now, I'm a realist where is suits; me(mainly meaning if i want gravity to be the opposite of truth then so be it, but watch out three pages later where it switches back due to magic :thumbs: [probably not that extreme]). So, I find it questionable when people place Sakura as being a completely naive girl. There is absolutely no way she could not know how Naruto feels about her, after all she is the smartest girl in her class.

Now having said that, she sees what happens to Naruto on her behest, namely Sasuke nearly killing him, and I would think she would at least have the decency to feel a bit of personal grief due to her request.

Then there is the problem of Sasuke. You can not tell me that she would not hold a little resentment of the man who not only knocked her out so she would basically shut up (my interpretation) but also a person who would try to kill some one who really had no intention of doing the same. She must have seen that he had changed for the worst. That being said, don't rule out second chances in my story.

Finally, with five years to chew on this I believe that Sakura would come to the conclusion that the traits she attributed to Sasuke were more present in Naruto, namely Honor, integrity and valor. Now allowing for that five years of mulling over, who really knows what went through her mind. But upon seeing Naruto back, her mind was overwhelmed ( yes, that's what overcame her consciousness, I’m sure her being tired helped). Now, I don't know about you all, but I have encountered some situations where you know that you have it bad for a person, and naturally you find yourself flirting almost absentmindedly, and that's what I was trying to emulate in Chapter 3...at least I think it was chapter three...the chapter where Sakura kicks Konohamaru's ass...whichever one that is.

Now moving on, when they were attacked, and then joined through Kyuubi, emotions and thoughts began to be transferred automatically. Not to say these were all truly conscious thoughts, most just being base feelings. However, the result was the same, no secrets. With this openness came an incredible amount of trust and intimacy. Imagine if you will knowing exactly what a person is feeling and wanting and thinking; whether their scared or happy in a blink of an eye, and knowing that they knew the exact same thing about you. That would bring an unprecedented amount of understanding, and in Naruto and Sakura's case affection.

Now then, that is my basis for the way they act towards each other, rather slap dashed but that's it in a nut shell. However, understand that they are not truly married by the human standard. Point of fact, if I really wanted to I could make it so they would not even marry in the human world but rather just spend a lot of time together and Naruto could just adopt somebody. It would pass the basis of the contract and so on. Though Shirogitsune, Natsuo and Murai would probably be pissed. So there is still a lot that has to happen in their relationship before they start to truly join.

That being said, they are still joined in an instinctual sense and as the next chapter will show they do regard it as, in the very least, a sort of informal marriage. So yeah...hmmm I think I got a little off track; it's surprisingly hard to answer questions about plot lines without giving away bits.

I would also like to say that when it comes to true friends, absence does little to decrease the amount of caring you have for them and vice versa. I've moved a lot and that's been my experience.

Now, as far as why I don’t explain the characters thoughts much, it’s just not something I’ve felt the need to focus on. But now that you mention it I should probably focus on it just a bit more. I also have a tendency to type in 8 point font in word, so when I’m typing a one line paragraph that fills a bit of space I think I’m doing alright…well that and it looks big on the paper I write on.

As for originality, yes I do use a few things that have been seen in other stories. This is manly because I’ve read said stories and find the ideas to be quite good, so I’ve incorporated these ideas. The most noticeable of these might be the relationship between my story and Training for the Job by Desaix. I have written to Desaix in regards to borrowing his joining idea, and he didn’t seem to mind that I borrowed it. However, I have used this in my own way, specifically creating a entire fox family for Kyuubi and making Kyuubi looking like a disobedient kid.

Original ideas I have used however are wide and varied. The medical ninja school in the sand a good example. And as the next couple of chapters will show, there really aren’t just there to train the sand. More importantly their a garrison force, because of certain piece of intelligence, which you aren’t privy too .

Anyway, so yeah that’s the basic thing, as far as answers to all your questions. Sorry that it was a bit slapdash, I’ve got to go to bed so I can wake up and go to class. I will try to add more plot definition to the story, but I do like to allow the reader some room to breath and add their own imagination to the story. Kinda draw them in more that way (at least I think). Feel free to reply, since I’m pretty sure I jumped all over the place, and ask anything that still bothering you. This applies to anyone else who has questions. I’m always open to answer. I’ve only been really rude to one person, and I’m still feeling bad about that, I had to much coffee and had a migraine so I was edgy and wrote a really mean letter back to them, felt like an ass afterwards. But I won’t do that again, I’m already a catholic and I don’t need any grief on the side.

Once again thanks a bunch for all yall readers sticking with me, and for your opinions. And I want to tell yall again that I’m still looking for an artist who is willing to spend some free time drawing a picture of what the Naruto and Sakura would actually look like in my story from my descriptions. I can even write them out if you’d want, to help you. Noticeably, I can’t pay you and it would be just a favor for me but I would be eternally grateful, and I’ll even give you a salmon sandwich in heaven. (Scottish thing don’t ask, but it’s delicious)

Oh yeah, due to popular demand and the fact that I don’t actually revise my chapters before I post them, I will using a Beta reader from this point forward. If you would like to be considered please send me a message…I’m not really sure if this is how I’m supposed to do it but hey whatever works right. :thumbs:

Sincerely,
Stillnotwalking

PS. TikiTDO – Thanks for the heart felt review

PPS: READ SAKURA-CHANS FICS

[TikiTDO]

Sorry if I came off as scolding, that was not my intention. You addressed pretty much all of my concerns and I'm really looking forward to the seeing the real story. The specific scene I had in mind when writing about the romantic development was actually the breakfast in bed scene, it felt a bit early. The other parts were much more believable. Also, the fox family idea was one of the best methods of handling Kyuubi in a while, so don't take what I said earlier too literally. You have more than enough originality.

An editor would always be a big help; I've said it before, one is worth their weight in gold. If you do not manage to find one (I know from experience it's not the easiest thing) I wouldn't mind helping, despite my less than stellar writing skill. I look forward to seeing which direction you will go with your story.

[Stillnotwalking]

Sorry if I came off as scolding, that was not my intention. You addressed pretty much all of my concerns and I'm really looking forward to the seeing the real story. The specific scene I had in mind when writing about the romantic development was actually the breakfast in bed scene, it felt a bit early. The other parts were much more believable. Also, the fox family idea was one of the best methods of handling Kyuubi in a while, so don't take what I said earlier too literally. You have more than enough originality.

An editor would always be a big help; I've said it before, one is worth their weight in gold. If you do not manage to find one (I know from experience it's not the easiest thing) I wouldn't mind helping, despite my less than stellar writing skill. I look forward to seeing which direction you will go with your story.

Wasn't trying to scold either, honestly thought it was a good set of problems. Thanks again

[finalninja]

when you are going to update it ?
I want to read more

[naruto zero]

this story is wat made me read more

[Stillnotwalking]

this story is wat made me read more

Well, I should hope you read a lot, remember it increases your vocabulary and as such your ability to make fun of people without them understanding how :thumbs:

I should update tommorow, i was planning on doing it today but my dogs hurt and i feel bad so i've been cuddling with him and writing. Hop yall understand