They say that the purpose of meditation is to clear your thoughts, to empty your mind and center your chakra. Or whatever. So maybe this is just the opposite. I find that writing out my thoughts puts things in perspective at times, or at least gives me some sort of objective out-of-body experience. Something about putting my thoughts on paper distances me from my problems and concerns, sorta like watching them from the safety of a shark cage. (How safe are shark cages, anyway?)
Maybe that's what makes Facebook and all its analogs so popular, even to those of us who expect no responses. Maybe speaking into the darkness is more about speaking to yourself, making your thoughts a little more matter-of-fact, a little more concrete. Maybe the whole Facebook thing is some kind of self-affirmation, and maybe not about shameless exhbitionism. Or maybe it is, I don't know. I can't imagine what kind of perspective can be gained from a post like "I like bagels. That is all.
" Is anyone even reading this?
So....hm....girls. Been asking myself a lot of questions lately, questions in equal shares of stupid and eyebrow-raising. One of those questions is, "Why do I want a girlfriend, yet don't give the slightest damn about one night stands?" I actually had to dig deep for an answer on that one, and I'm still not even sure I've got it. I'm most certainly not a people person. I mean, the idea of me being a people person is laughable. I hate people, I really do. Yet, for some reason, walking through life alone still sucks.
My typical answer to that question, I come to find, is usually a lot of "white knight" garbage I want a girl to care for, someone for whom I can be a hero. You know, the kind of crap that would make most guys laugh and most girls scoff and roll their eyes. Pathetic, I know. Pipe dreams, half-baked Hollywood pseudo-reality through rose tinted glasses. It doesn't happen, but it doesn't make me want it any less. In fact, just the opposite. Same reason I'm sure the screening of Titanic 3D will sell out.
Now that I think about it, though, I think that the answer is even more impulsive and primitive than that. It boils down to this: social disorders are a royal pain, especially the bipolar variety. Makes you socially paranoid and dramatic. You start to think that the world hates you, or can only like you for what you appear to be rather than what you actually are. So, you think of love, and you find that it's the most biologically objective and emotionally subjective form of social interaction. You fall into the reasoning that to find love is to find true acceptance, which settles that whole inner debate once and for all.
But how much does that suck, though? I mean, what girl wants to hear that she's just the decryption key to your messed up cipher of a social perspective? That same Hollywood fantasy epitomizes the idea of being someone's everything, and having someone who can be your everything. But no one wants that; no one wants to be that one rock to keep you grounded. Nobody wants to think of a relationship as a responsibility, and I don't blame them. The idea is just creepy, to say the least. But the fact is that it's why we're here; we're all instictively bound to the desire of finding that one compatible mate, that one person willing to see everything through to the end with us.
Even so, I can't confidently say that that's all there is to it. I mean, if that was the case, anybody with even the slightest bit of interest should be able to fit the bill, right? But they don't. We're picky, and we should be. And not even just physically. Some say we should settle, but it's never what we want. I am an artist, so I want a girl with an artistic spirit. I am a deep thinker, so I want a girl who does the same (I mean, it makes for good conversation, after all). I was a high school goth, and I'm still a bit sardonic at heart, so I want a girl with a darkside and a cynical streak like mine. And I'm sure there are a million other metrics that could make or break the deal, but I can't think of any more right off hand. And then, once I think I have all of that figured out, I meet a girl who is just the opposite of most of that that rocks my world?
So, I guess the bottom line is.... I don't know a damn thing. I have no idea what to do. And the funny thing is, in spite of what a complex issue it seems to be, I'm positive that I'm overthinking it. But that's what I do. That's who I am. There's a solution out there somewhere, I'm sure. But maybe I should just stop looking for it.
You know what sucks? Having a large, powerful, expensive laptop with an OS problem and no restore disk. Then it's just a large, powerful, expensive paperweight. Are you still reading this?
I should get a new sketch pad. I'm getting rusty, and my drawings are getting sloppy.
Well, I don't expect any responses. Like I said, I'm just talking into the dark like the rest of us. Wrote this for me more than you, whoever you are. And if you did read this, well... that's a few minutes of your life you're not gonna get back. Sorry.
On the morning of Wednesday, April 11th, 2012, my Aunt Karla passed away. She was my mother's baby sister, and my coolest aunt when I was a kid. She was the best babysitter ever, and she was like an older sister to me.
Karly, I don't know if you can hear this. I am not a believer, I haven't been since Sheryl died. But if you can, I want you to know that I'm truly sorry for everything bad I've ever said about you. When you were suffering, I should have been there to help you. I should have visited. I should have encouraged you to leave the house and get a job, to be active and alive the way you used to be.
I promise that I will do everything that I can to be successful and a good person, to make you proud the way you would have wanted me to. No matter what I said, I loved you. And I will always love you. Rest in Peace, you will never be forgotten.
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