10 replies to this topic

[Branden]

To get to the point, I want advice from writers and readers to help improve my work. Here's a LINK to the story I wrote.

I wrote it because I just have so many ideas for Naruto that I just had to write it out. I tried not to make the same mistakes other writers make, but seeing how this is my first Naruto story I guess it's inevitable that happens.

If you could give some advice and maybe also tell me what you think my strengths and weaknesses are then I would be very grateful.

[PachucoDesigns]

To get to the point, I want advice from writers and readers to help improve my work. Here's a LINK to the story I wrote.

I wrote it because I just have so many ideas for Naruto that I just had to write it out. I tried not to make the same mistakes other writers make, but seeing how this is my first Naruto story I guess it's inevitable that happens.

If you could give some advice and maybe also tell me what you think my strengths and weaknesses are then I would be very grateful.

Well, I'd be happy to help, but it's saying I'm not authorized for some reason. If you PM me the story, I'll take a look.

[Konohakitten]

Same here if you have another link to the story please share it ;D

[Branden]

Did you make sure your library account settings were set so that no more warning messages appear for MA stories?

[PachucoDesigns]

Apologies, I didn't see that there were account settings for the library independent from here. I got it working. That said, here is my take:

Before anything else, I will stress this -- If you are new to writing, and if this is your first attempt, it is in your best interest to learn the fundamentals of story archetypes (Especially the Hero's Journey Archetype, given your interest) and character development, and work on writing original stories before attempting fanfiction. It will hone your skill much faster.

You need to work on descriptive words and phrases, particularly describing environment and actions. What you have to realize is that the reader cannot see the scene unfolding in his or her head the way you do when you're writing it. For instance:

"In almost an instant Sasuke apeared behind him slashing with his katana."

This might be a bit more compelling with something like:

"Like a divine wind, Sasuke's movements eluded even Kakashi's fabled Sharingan. In a blur, and with his robes dancing in the breeze, he position himself to strike at his former teacher's back as he drew his blade with an sharp, audible ring of steel."

Paint a picture. Make your reader feel what is happening rather than giving them a blow by blow.

Further, you have a tendency to overuse "said" after a quote. Once again, be descriptive. Paint a picture. There are better words depending on the situation. Muttered. Whispered. Shouted. Screamed. Asked. Wailed. Mused.

Given this is a first attempt, it does show potential. While you need to work on description, you definitely have the ability to envision a compelling scene. My first advice to you would be to reference a thesaurus. It is a valuable tool for writing fiction. www.thesaurus.com is an excellent one. In stories like this, especially when appealing to an already existing fanbase, it's all about emotion and drama. Don't just walk your reader through your story, make them feel it.

All of that being said, this is a more or less credible scene, one that could have happened. You managed to pinpoint the characters' personalities quite well, and I think most fans of the series would agree.

Oh, one more thing. When you say that one of your character yells, writing "Ahhhh!" is sort of redundant. It's not necessary.

If you have any other work you'd like to share, I'd be happy to help.

EDIT: Please don't take offense to any of this. I only say it to help.

Edited by PachucoDesigns, 28 June 2012 - 03:47 PM.

[AchikaMiyu]

Did you make sure your library account settings were set so that no more warning messages appear for MA stories?

I haven't read your story yet, but does your story warrant an MA rating? If there isn't any overtly violent or sexual content, then you may want to rethink your rating. If you downgrade it to a 'T' or something else, then anyone on the forums can access it without having to sign-in and prove that they are over 18.

[sushi.]

Did you make sure your library account settings were set so that no more warning messages appear for MA stories?

Could you PM me too? I always get good grades when writing short stories and such, so I think I'll be able to help.

[Konohakitten]

Pachucodesigns has made some really good points, and it would be wise to take his advice

All I can add is that you dont want to use the persons name so much. For example take this section here...


Kakashi tried to dodge but the black flames connected with his arm. "Ahhhhh!" Kakashi yelled. In a final act of desperation he used his chidori to sever his own arm in an attempt to stop the black flame. He watched as his own arm burned to ash. Kakashi noticed a shadow tower over him. He looked up to see Sasuke staring at him. Sasuke grabbed Kakashi by the chest and held him against the wall, then drew his Katana.

It would look better like this...

Kakashi tried to dodge Amaterasu, but the ominous flames viciously latched onto his arm. Slowly the jet black searing blaze began to consume his arm, and the copy shinobi screamed in agonizing pain. In a final act of desperation he used chidori to sever his own arm. In horror he watched as his own limb burned to ash. Suddenly the silver haired jonin noticed a shadow looming over him. He looked up quickly just to see his former student looking down at him. Sasuke grabbed his former sensei by the chest and held him against the wall, he then slowly drew his katana.

See we all know that this situation has two characters in it, Kakashi and Sasuke. So there isn't a need to continue adding the characters names. After a few sentences its alright but it isn't needed each time they do something. If you introduce someone else to the scene then yes use the names so that we can tell what is happening to who, but in this case its clear that there are only two ppl. So like Pachucodesigns said get a thesaurus or think of other ways you can describe a character without using their name.

Also description is key so yes look into describing as much as you can, it makes the story that much better. Other then that for your first attempt you're looking good. Sure there are a few typos here and there but hell I do that all the time lol. Keep at it though writing is tons of fun, I know I love doing it!

[PachucoDesigns]

When I say paint a picture with descriptive detail, this is what I mean. This example is a character pitch I wrote for an ongoing project with a friend of mine, a modern retelling of several classic horror stories. This is the modernization of Abraham Van Helsing. In this piece, his personality and understanding of the world around him were key. So, the focus is on his perspective, and the words need to describe how he sees things. The fine details and blow by blow were not necessary, just the measures of making the reader understand what he is experiencing. Voice is also important, as it has to be perfectly clear who he is, what kind of person he is and what guides his actions. These are all things that need to be considered if you want to get into a character's head, and if you want to make sure they are behaving the way they would in the scenario you create, not just how you want them to. Make people, not puppets.

Marked: Van Helsing (WARNING: VIOLENCE) --Click here to view--

Marked
The Paranormal Encounters of Dorian Gray
Character Pitch: Abraham van Helsing

They told me he was a handsome man with a lady killer’s smile. They said he was cold and heartless, but with an almost carefree swagger. They also said he was approximately in his mid-thirties, five foot, eleven inches tall with a medium build, dark brown hair and a slightly pale complexion. I wrote it all down, and then I burned it. Sometimes, just the act of writing is enough to remember the important bits.

I enter the combination and release the polished latches. I open the briefcase…

There aren’t many of us left. Or, so I hear. There are no conventions or fifteen-year reunion parties, so I wouldn’t really know. The only thing I have left to remind me of my purpose, aside from the tattoo on the back of my hand, is my personal conviction. A real call comes in maybe once every few months. Otherwise, it’s just your average, anonymous contracts and nameless marks. Business is slow; it’s not like the old days. Maybe we’re just obsolete. Maybe the world just doesn’t need us anymore.

I pull the parts from their black foam inserts one at a time. The folding thumbhole stock clicks tightly into the front stock and grip…

I am Abraham van Helsing of the order Ferroniers Noirs de Fortebras. But, to the rest of the world, I’m just another face in the crowd. I’m just another stuffed suit with an overcoat and a briefcase, working late at some boring office; just a constipated stiff with an expensive car in the garage and a displeased wife in the sack. So far as anyone knows, that’s all I am, which is just how I like it. Nobody second guesses the forged security badge, and nobody gives me a second glance as I head straight for the top floor from the service elevator.

I fit the action to the front stock and tighten the screws. I slide the scope onto the top mod rail and screw down the clamps. I focus the lens…

I told myself that this is just another mark, just another paycheck, but I knew it wasn’t true. Vlad Dracula’s demise in Romania was the star achievement of my career, the mark that gave me a decorated reputation. But I had heard of Dorian Gray during my youth, even since before I left the Parish. Before I was trusted as a hand of the order, I’d heard stories of an immortal man who disturbs the Ether and causes chaos wherever he roams. He was my real fascination.

I screw in and secure the barrel. I thread and fasten the suppressor…

As it so happens, I first met the man in Romania. I saw his dealings with that unholy creature, Vlad. I never heard the details, and I never learned what he had hoped to gain. Still, the vampire seemed disturbed by this man; a young man, scarcely older than I was, who spoke of Vietnam and World War II, of the Prohibition and the Great Depression. This old man in a young man’s body, he withheld a dark and unnatural secret.

I slide the bolt assembly into the chamber. I check the feed path and load the magazine. Six rounds, .308 caliber…

That was twenty years ago, and I’m no longer the young man I used to be. This life has become taxing and routine. I’m getting tired, and apathy is starting to take hold. Honestly, it was not a sense of duty that brought me here tonight; it was the revival of an old curiosity, something I felt the need to see for myself. They say he can’t die, that he can’t be killed by any earthly means. We’ll just see about that.

I close and latch the bolt, and the chamber is loaded. The recoil pad sits firmly against my shoulder, and the weight of the rifle balances on the bipod. I take a deep breath and rest my thumb over the safety. I wait…

My source tells me that he will be in room 1126 at the Paris Pride Hotel tonight. I’m waiting in a dark corner office at the top floor of the CalNet Web Solutions building four city blocks away. The night is dark, but clear. The curtains are open, and I have a clear shot of the queen size bed and the armchair in the corner of the room; perfect air for killing a man who supposedly can’t die.

I wait for several hours, and my thoughts grow heavy. I feel the weight of terror pressing down on me, something I haven’t felt in ages. It’s how I felt when I first saw the man, a feeling I have tried hard for years to forget. I feel his presence long before I see him.

I watch the slight motion in the shadows as he enters the room; he never turns on the lights, but the glow in the hallway defines his form. He stands motionless and contemplative in the darkness, and I observe him. He is young and handsome, just as he was twenty years ago. Not a hair out of place, just as he likely was fifty years ago, and as he will likely be fifty years from now if I don’t kill him. I intend to.

The crosshairs hover over his left temple. I release the safety. My right index finger lightly caresses the edge of the trigger. I breathe deeply.

I am frozen, kept still by a combination of some unknown horror and a compelling curiosity. I have questions for the man, questions I will never have the chance to ask. Yet, I cannot stand him. Something about him repels me, repulses me. Somehow, I know he must die.

My breathing quickens. He begins to pace, and I follow him with my scope. The crosshairs march over him, hovering first over his left eye, then his right eye, his heart, and then back to his temple. My heart pounds in my chest.

What sort of creature is he? He does not age, he is undying. This is true. Yet, in all other ways, he seems powerless and human. I have ended the lives of many wicked men and many dangerous creatures. So what is this unique fear I feel?

I follow him as he sits in the armchair facing the window. He stares into his lap for several moments. I stay my trigger finger. The scope quakes from my trembling hand. He looks up and out the window. He looks out the window toward me. At me. He makes eye contact with me through my own scope. He sees me, sees through me. He smiles and waits.

This is no man. Perhaps he was once, but no longer. This is a cancer, a terrible blight destroying a balance of which he was never meant to be a part; at least, not in this time. I am not the first to feel this unnatural horror, but if I can help it, I will be the last.

My eyes go wide with fear. The crosshairs settle over his forehead, right above that obnoxious grin. I pull the trigger, and the suppressor makes a harsh puff of the gunshot. The top of his head bursts into a violent, red-black mist. He jolts back into the chair and goes limp. I cycle the bolt and listen to the empty cartridge jingle against the floor in the cold silence. I watch him nervously.

Dead. A man that supposedly cannot be killed, an undying abomination, and he now lays lifeless in a bloodied chair with a hollowed skull. “Immortal, indeed.” I snicker to myself, winded and shaken. “Pour la lumière et gloire de Dieu, mort à l’impur. In nomine Patris, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti. Amen.” I bless his passing with the sign of the cross.

He stirs, I see him draw a shallow breath. I panic. I fire another shot into his left lung. I cycle the bolt and fire another into his right. I empty the magazine into his torso, quickly and violently cycling the bolt after each shot, and he ceases to move once again.

I catch my breath, terrified. He stops moving. I gather my wits and realize the spectacle I’ve caused. The gunshots were silenced, but it won’t be long before someone takes notice of the damage to the room and finds the bloody aftermath. I disassemble the rifle as quickly as I can and return it to its case. I place the empty cartridges in a small, black bag. I leave the building calmly and naturally. I badge out at the security desk and place the badge in the black bag with the cartridges. The bag will be destroyed after I leave the city.

The parking garage is quiet and abandoned. Ordinarily, these circumstances would be favorable. Tonight, however, they are unnerving. I tuck the briefcase and the black bag away in a hidden compartment beneath my back seat. I start the car and exit the lot. I drive faster than I should.

I head south on 12th Avenue for the Holland Tunnel back to Jersey, away from this madness. It takes me just under ten minutes before I pass by the Paris Pride Hotel, and I come to a red light right at its foyer entrance. I see a familiar face step through the revolving door. Young and handsome. Not a hair out of place, though it should be matted with blood. He smiles at me. Perhaps my questions will be answered, after all.

[Catwho]

If you're a "learn by theory" type, my two favorite books from ye olde writing classes were:

Figures of Speech: 60 ways to turn a phrase

and

Fiction Dictionary

Both books are specific to English, but do a good job of explaining all the literary devices that authors use to have vivid, effective language in their writing.

That said, the two best ways to improve your writing are to:

- Read great writing. Lots of it.
- Write all the time when you're not reading.

There is a saying about art: "If you want to become a good artist, draw 5,000 drawings, and then you will begin to draw well." Same thing with writing. Practice, practice, practice. Your first stories may not be the strongest, but your second story will probably be better, and each story you write after that will improve. I don't have any of my first short stories any more because they were crap.

[Branden]

All of you are very helpful. Thank you.