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Need a beta reader for new fic

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#1 Plothole


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Posted 27 January 2009 - 11:15 PM

So i hadn't really ever intended to write any more fanfiction but this idea came to me and I couldn't really help it. I don't want to give too much away but I want someone to read it so I can get some opinions before posting it. Any takers, I figure I can just PM the story.

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/758595/ <- Fanfiction

Howard, the strangest thing
Has happened lately
When I take a good swing
And all my dreams
They pivot and slip
I drop my fists and they're back
Laughing Howard
My intention's become not to lose what I've won
Ambition has given way to desperation and I
Lost the fight from my eyes
-Ben Folds Five

#2 Plothole


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Posted 28 January 2009 - 04:13 AM

QUOTE (Plothole @ Jan 27 2009, 06:15 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
So i hadn't really ever intended to write any more fanfiction but this idea came to me and I couldn't really help it. I don't want to give too much away but I want someone to read it so I can get some opinions before posting it. Any takers, I figure I can just PM the story.


K so on second thought it makes a lot more sense to post it. It starts a little slow and is a NaruSaku although I think I'm more of a NaruIno fan.

The fic is called "Paradox"

Enjoy cool.gif


It was on a cloudless summer day when a light breeze floated down from the Hokage monument onto the town of Konoha that Uchiha Sasuke took Haruno Sakura as his wife. The ceremony was large, as the anticipated next Hokage Uchiha Sasuke waited for his bride to be, at the end of an aisle lined with cherry blossoms. Women gushed in jealousy when the pink haired kunoichi smiled through tears and walked to the end of the aisle to forever take Konoha’s most eligible bachelor and war hero off the market.

However despite the celebratory nature of the event, many eyes in the room kept glancing back to the rear of the crowd where a blond man with shoulder length spiky hair had an overjoyed smile on his face. Naruto Uzumaki had always been a good liar when it came to his emotions, and that day he put on the performance of his life as he had watched the girl who had meant everything to him, forever disappear into the embrace of his best friend.

Sympathetic looks were quelled by his smile until all but the few that actually knew the young man closely, suspected the torrent of emotion going through him. But this was a time of peace and people were more than ready to embrace the happiness of this occasion than dwell on the misery, especially with the hero of the sound war being the one to take a bride.

In a shocking turn of events, it was brought to light the true nature of Sasuke’s defection. In a last ditch effort at dismantling Orochimaru, the Sandaime and Kakashi had crafted a plan to monitor and infiltrate the sounds ranks. Knowing Sasuke’s reputation as a power hungry avenger, and Orochimaru’s interest in the boy, they had staged a defection and he became another member of Konoha’s spy network. It had been Sasuke’s betrayal of the sound as the boy had held the evil Sannin in place that had opened up Orochimaru to Naruto’s killing strike.

Despite the anger and hurt that those close to the Uchiha felt at the misdirection of the truth, they realized the necessity of it, and were just happy to have their friend back. When Sasuke had returned, he had approached Sakura about dating citing that he now could afford the time for such feelings. His role as an avenger had already been accomplished after a climatic duel with his brother, that had left Sasuke on the brink of death, and his brother less fortunate.

What had followed as according to Sakura (and as she had told everyone over and over again) was a whirlwind romance, including fancy dinners, tender moments, an engagement, and finally the culmination of it all, their wedding day. Sakura was pretty sure that things could not get better when she heard her husband say his consent to their joining. Tears resumed their flow as her childhood dream was being fulfilled. It was all she had ever hoped for she told herself. Being married to Sasuke was any girls dream and she would be lucky enough to experience it. She took confidence as she scanned the ground, a wave of guilt hitting her as she formed eye contact with her best friend.

The look on Naruto’s face sunk her spirits a little. That fake forced smile was convincing to someone that had not become well acquainted with the prankster, but she could see the tremendous amount of pain he was hiding. The only other time she had seen him look that hurt had been the bridge after Sasuke had returned. Naruto had confessed his love then. Her thoughts returned to that day.

She could have found a better way to respond. She knew that but he had sandbagged her with his confession and she had felt awkward and nervous. She hadn’t intended on hurting him and shrugging off his confession, but she hadn’t been prepared. Then he had given her that look where he tried to squash all he was feeling and smile for everyone as if nothing was wrong.

Then he had left.

In fact the wedding would be the first time she had seen him in over a year. He had told her that he was taking the job setting up a second village because “everyone already wants Sasuke for Rokudaime, and Sasuke would be a better Hokage than me anyways. I promise that I’m going to make sure this second village gets up and running. Believe it!” And Sakura had just let him go, knowing full well that she had been the root of the reason for Naruto’s departure. It wasn’t as if she didn’t care for him.

It was just that Naruto wasn’t right for her. Their personalities could never match. Sure Naruto was a great guy, and she wanted him to find happiness, but he just wasn’t Sasuke. Sasuke had been Sakura’s lifelong love she reasoned after hearing that he hadn’t really betrayed them. Naruto, just… didn’t really match with her.

She had debated sending him a wedding invitation because it seemed more heartbreak than he needed to come to Konoha, but he was her best friend after all, even if they didn’t really see each other any more.

She was glad he was here, and wasn’t going to let her guilty emotions ruin the happiest day of her life. She drifted her gaze back to the man she loved with all her heart and said “I do” when asked, and then she was Uchiha Sakura, and her life was complete.

Chapter 1

Stark white walls adorned her vision as she woke up. The Uchiha manor was a very bleak building still, and while she wanted desperately to liven her house up a little, she reminded herself that sacrifices had to be made in marriage, and her husband was not fond of the concept or redecorating.

She turned her sight over to the sleeping face of her husband. He was lying contently on his back, snoring a little. Her face turned into a frown as her vision lowered to the gap between their bodies. He was contently slumbering on the right side of the bed preferring to take sides then sleep holding each other. He had stated the need for adequate an unhindered sleep and she begrudgingly agreed seeing his point that they were both ninja and a good night of sleep was necessary. Still it would be nice to sleep with their bodies touching.

‘Stop it,’ she reminded herself. It really wasn’t that big of a deal anyways. She was with her dream man after all. “Sasuke,” she said quietly. “I’m gonna go for a walk,” her voice becoming brighter.

He gave her a sleepy mumble affirming he had heard her on some level of his consciousness, and she smiled, loving how cute he looked. She hummed as she got out of the bed and walked into the bathroom, grabbing a quick shower and getting dressed. Maybe she would go pick up some bacon and eggs to cook for Sasuke’s breakfast.

She took one glance back at her husband as she walked back into the bedroom. She grabbed the purse that was sitting on her night stand and walked into the main hallway navigating the maze of halls to finally find the exit from her home. “And he came with the perfect house too,” she laughed glancing back at the mansion.

The dew shimmered on tree leaves as Sakura began walking through the city. She had been married for four months and these early morning walks had become habitual. She liked watching Konoha come to life, and it was better than laying in bed awake an arms length away from her husband. She grimaced mentally scolding herself at her train of thought. Sure there were a lot of things she wished her husband would do differently, but marriage was complex and everyone always said the first year was the toughest.

So wrapped in her musings was she that she barely noticed when she almost barreled into one of the famed sannin. Jiraiya cracked a sly grin as he caught Sakura in his hands. The kunoichi felt a weird pressure amass and almost pinch her as the man prevented her fall catching her with two hands behind her back. Then as soon as it had appeared, the feeling was gone.

“Well hello there miss Sakura. Fancy you running into me.” Jiraiya laughed out releasing his hold on the girl. Sakura’s cheeks immediately flushed with embarrassment over her lack of coordination, immediately forgetting about the weird presence she had felt.

“I’m very sorry Jiraiya-sama,” she said politely. “I was distracted by my thoughts and didn’t see you.” She explained though realizing that to miss a man with giant white hair who could be nearly as loud as Naruto was no small feat.

“No problem miss. That’s what I always liked about you: you’re always very polite. I wish some of that could have rubbed off on the pipsqueak,” Jiraiya laughed. “So what brings you out so early in the morning on this fine day?” The Toad Sannin inquired.

“Just taking a walk,” Sakura answered. “I was actually going to head to the Hokage tower and see if Tsunade-sama is awake yet. “

“Or Sober yet,” Jiraiya playfully added sparking a giggle from Sakura. “Well do you mind if I join you? I find that taking a walk with company is much more enjoyable than walking by oneself. And besides, that’s where I’m headed as well.”

Sakura seemed a little puzzled if only for the fact that she had never really spent any time one on one with Naruto’s sensei. Still she found him amusing, and was fairly confident that after the last time he tried to peep on her, he would be on better behavior. He didn’t want to spend a week in traction in the hospital again, even if it was nice to have the pity of the female nursing staff.

“I’d like that,” Sakura answered as the two continued towards the Hokage tower. “So have you heard from Naruto at all?” She asked. She couldn’t remember the last time Naruto and she had spent any quality time together. He had been at the wedding and reception but had left fairly early from the festivities and immediately gone back to his village.

“The runts doing pretty well I’d say. He’s buried himself in work, but he’s helping out a bunch of people and the village construction process is really moving along quickly thanks to him. I just wish he’d slow down a little or he’s gonna run himself down.” Jiraiya ended with a sad smile.

Sakura saw that look in his eye and realized much more the connection between the perverted sensei and his pupil. The father son bond was there, and Jiraiya could not help but watch with the care of a parent as his child suffered. She suddenly felt awkward. She knew that she was the root of all of Naruto’s problems. “I’m sorry,” she said eliciting a weird look from the Sannin.

“What for?” Jiraiya asked honestly confused.

“I know it’s my fault he’s having such a hard time.” Sakura explained. “I wish I could have done things-“

“You have nothing to apologize for Sakura,” Jiraiya interrupted. “It’s not like you did anything wrong. You got married to the best man for you, right? Just because it hurts Naruto doesn’t make you’re decision wrong.” He took a breath. “I just wished it could have been different. He’s had it harder than anyone, so well, never mind, it’s okay. He’s doing fine really. He’s happy, just puts himself too much into work. Can’t blame an old man for worrying though can ya?”

“Jiraiya-sama,” Sakura whispered unsure of what to say. Well it had been her idea to bring up Naruto so she couldn’t really blame anyone but herself for the awkwardness that the conversation had taken.

“No worries there missy,” he laughed. “Though imagine what it would have been like if you went with Naruto. You could keep him on a short leash by threatening his ramen privileges.”

Sakura laughed at the idea, feeling a little better as the toad Sannin continued. “So how is married life anyways?” he brightened.

“It’s a little different,” Sakura replied truthfully. She had been walking around glowing about her status with Sasuke for a while saying how everything was perfect. Perhaps it was how early it was or just who she was talking with but the answer popped out. “But it’s still great,” she added in with a laugh.

“Well I’m sure you two will be very happy together. He isn’t exactly the type of guy I envisioned you with but, hey I’m an old pervert right? What must I know?” He laughed again as Sakura’s step faltered. “Not to mention I got to imagine, with a beautiful girl such as yourself, you two must be going at it 24/7 right? They say that newlyweds can’t keep their hands off each other for the first year!”

“Eh?” Sakura stammered as her face turned scarlet. That was bizarre and embarrassing for even the pervert to bring up although she wished it were true.

“You see that squirrel over there?” Jiraiya randomly interjected causing Sakura to face-plant, even more confused. He pointed over to a squirrel that was reaching for a nut on the highest limb. The squirrel continued to jump to try and get it. “Isn’t it funny how even though she has a giant nut on the limb in front of her that looks delicious and filling, she still is jumping for that small one up top pretending she’s tall enough to reach it. It’s not really all that good of a nut at all. If she just looked around she could see the better nut right in front of her.”

Sakura watched the animal, confused over the entire twist in the conversation.

“It’s amazing what we can learn from nature eh?” Jiraiya intoned. Sakura was caught scratching her head.

“Well I’ll stop in and see Tsunade later,” Jiraiya said as he paused. “I just remembered something I have to do. See you later there missy.” And with a puff of smoke he disappeared.

Sakura shook her head and continued walking to the tower. “Crazy old man,” she uttered as she shook her head and rubbed her temples. At least Tsunade made sense when they talked, she mused as she continued down the road.


The day had passed by much the same. She had found Tsunade and set up an afternoon training session. On the way back she had picked up bacon and eggs and cooked it for Sasuke true to her plan. After her training with Tsunade she had stopped by Ino’s, then come back home to prepare dinner. They had shared a small peaceful dinner, but Sakura had been distracted although not enough for Sasuke to notice.

That guilt she felt for Naruto hadn’t gone away in the four months since her marriage and it was only worse after talking to Jiraiya that morning. She knew the Sannin was right and she had nothing to feel bad about, but she had hurt her best friend bad and more than that, she missed him.

That night she and Sasuke made love, and she remembered how happy she was with her life. He held her for a while before they fell asleep on their respective sides even as she complained that she wanted him to hold her longer. She would have to talk to him in the morning after all, marriage was all about compromise. His breathing became steady and she felt the familiar tug of unconsciousness. Her mind laughed as she remembered a comment from earlier that day. “Though imagine what it would have been like if you went with Naruto…” Jiraiya had said.

‘That’s utterly ridiculous’ she thought as she stared up at the ceiling with a smile. ‘Imagine me and Naruto.’ Strangely she couldn’t.

She looked back at Sasuke. ‘Well we have some things to fix but our life will be fantastic,’ she concluded. ‘We’ll have a conversation in the morning.’ She yawned sleepily, “Everything will be better in the morning…” she mumbled as sleep took her.


Sakura was never really coherent when she first woke up. Sure she was a morning person but in that 30 second period of coming out of sleep, she was confused, and oblivious. So when she woke up wrapped in a protective embrace and it didn’t immediately set in that she was being held, it was through no fault of her own.

‘Maybe Sasuke has seen my point,’ Sakura thought hazily with a smile, snuggling up closer to the warm body. The arms drew her in tighter.

Her eyes opened slowly as she took in her surroundings. The familiar bleak walls of the Uchiha manor smiled back at her in their typical orange fashion… “Wait a second,” Sakura murmured realizing that something was off. This was not the Uchiha manor and her bedroom walls were definitely not orange. With the skills of a honed kunoichi she was out of the bed and in a ready position turning to see the person that had been holding her.

“Sakura, what the hell?” her bed companion asked in a groggy voice. The question was further expounded by a loud yawn he made as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.

“N-n-n-n-n-n-…” Sakura started trembling trying to get her body out of shock mode and her lips to cooperate with her brain. The rooms other occupant cracked an eye at her as he arched his arms back into the air, trying to stretch his body to remove the tightness that sleep brought to his muscles.

“Eh, Sakura, you alright?” the man asked curiosity playing on his face.

“…n-n-n-n-n-n-n…” Sakura kept stuttering.

“We’ve already established the whole n-n-n-n-n thing,” the man replied as he rose from the bed wearing nothing more than a pair of boxers. Sakura barely comprehended the actions as she continue to point at the man stuttering.

“..n-n-n-n-NARUTO?!” Sakura finally managed to get out in a cry of surprise.

“Y-y-y-y-y-yeah?” he teased back, emphasizing each stutter. When he got no response he continued, “Man Sakura, sometimes you can be such a weirdo.”

That managed to strike her out of her temporary paralysis as she immediately started cracking her knuckles and pacing over to him. “What do you mean I’m a weirdo you creep?”

A toothy grin spread from ear to ear. “Welcome back to earth honey. Glad to see you can talk again,” Naruto said with a pinch of sarcasm. Sakura immediately stopped stalking over to him.

“Honey?” She asked incredulously. None of this was adding up. She had just been in bed next to her husband, and now she was waking up in the arms of Naruto of all people? “This must be a crazy dream,” she said, ignoring Naruto’s presence as she put her hand on her chin in thought.

“Eh?” Naruto responded curiously. He watched as Sakura proceeded to pinch herself in the arm, as the kunoichi turned her back to him and surveyed the room.

“Maybe we were attacked in our sleep and I’m trapped in a genjutsu,” she exclaimed suddenly in a panic. She held out her hands in the familiar seal and shouted “KAI!” manipulating chakra to break the illusion.

“Hey Sakura?” Naruto asked, a serious expression spreading on his features.

Ignoring Naruto, Sakura continued to ponder the possibilities in her head. “If I’m not dreaming and I’m not trapped in a genjutsu, what could be going on… unless Itachi attacked us in our sleep because Sasuke didn’t actually kill him and now were trapped in a super ultra mega genjutsu where I will have to continue waking up in Naruto’s arms for the next twenty four hours,” Sakura wailed, trying to see anything familiar about the room they were in. ‘Come to think of it,’ Sakura thought, ‘this kind of looks like the Hokage mansion.’

Being Tsunade’s pupil Sakura had found herself at the residence many times. In fact on a second look, despite for the decorations and color, this room looked like Tsunade’s bedroom, which meant only one thing.

“Hey honey, are you okay? You’re starting to freak me out,” Naruto said expressing concern.

Suddenly it all clicked for Sakura as she turned around and stared daggers at Naruto. He immediately moved backwards trying to keep the bed in between him and the enraged kunoichi.

“UZUMAKI!” She roared. Of course, how could she not have realized immediately that this was Naruto pulling off some elaborate scheme.

“Yipes,” Naruto exclaimed searching for an escape route. “Come on hun, not so loud or you’re going to wake up-“

“I am not your hun, and I will be as loud as I want,” Sakura rifled back. “Now what did you do with Sasuke?”

Her rage quelled with the look of confusion that placed on his features. Either he was a very good actor or…

“Um Sakura, are you feeling alright. Do you have a temperature or something? You must be sick if your asking about Sausuke-teme,” he laughed with his last comment, that kitten eating grin that she knew so well infuriating her that much more.

Naruto was being difficult and all she could do was imagine him tied to a bungee cord with her fist repeatedly hitting him only to have him slingshot back into another punch. Actually the little fantasy was going to be reality if he didn’t quit with this game soon.

“Seriously Naruto, this prank is funny and all but where is my husband?” She just got more confusion from the man who was starting to look funny to her as she paid more attention to him. Had his hair been that long before? And he looked much older… and much… better.

She shook the thoughts from her head as Naruto raised his hand. “Present,” he signaled as his mind went deep in thought, worry and confusion evident on his face.
“Naruto, cut the crap,” she breathed out, her fury threatening to overload. “Do I have to go get the Hokage? What would she say?”

“Again right here,” he informed her raising his hand again. “And HE would say that his wife should keep her voice down before-“

“Mama,” a small female voice cried from the doorway. Time seemed to pass in slow motion as Sakura turned her head to the originator of the voice.

Pink hair.

“Daddy, what’s wrong with mommy?” the tiny voice cried as Naruto went over and scooped up the child. Naruto shot Sakura a glare as he patted the girls back.

Blue eyes.

“It’s okay sweetie, Mommy, just had a nightmare,” Naruto comforted the small child as the girl buried her face in Naruto’s shoulder.

Sakura watched with a blank stare at Naruto and the small girl who bore a striking resemblance to both of them. As the information and realization hit her brain, she did the only thing that made sense to her at the moment. She fainted. Her eyes closed as her body collapsed and she hit the floor with an unceremonious thud.


Lemme know what you think. I have reservations about a couple things.
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/758595/ <- Fanfiction

Howard, the strangest thing
Has happened lately
When I take a good swing
And all my dreams
They pivot and slip
I drop my fists and they're back
Laughing Howard
My intention's become not to lose what I've won
Ambition has given way to desperation and I
Lost the fight from my eyes
-Ben Folds Five

#3 Shadow-kun


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Posted 28 January 2009 - 06:50 PM

It's an interesting fic so far. Can't wait to see which is the real and which is the dream world.

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