It's been sometime since I've done one of these and I think it's the right time for me to just let my thoughts out on everything again. The constant questions that's been ringing through my head for many months now is where do I start? Should it be from that specific moment, or at this point in my life? This constant inner turmoil that I've been dealing with has been really eating away at me, and to be perfectly honest the best thing I've been trying to do is try to fight it and fight it until there's nothing left of that anymore. Now, I finally know the answer to those questions I've been trying to ask myself for these past months now.
Life for me hasn't been the greatest since the day I lost my maa (grandma - dad's mother) and a piece of my soul went missing when she passed away. I never really showed this side of me with my family because while everyone was grieving at the loss I kept walking tall with my head held high trying to be the emotional support that I could be to them, but when it was just me by myself with nobody around I constantly sat my back against the wall and just grieved subconsciously even though it was in the back of mind. This whole process was going on while my cousin's father (my dad's older brother) was at the last stage of lung cancer. I kept telling myself "Lucky you can't let this bring you down... not while you still have a family member who is also suffering at what's eventually gonna happen."
A quick timeframe:
- My uncle found out he was on the last stage of lung cancer back in March 5th 2021, and my ma passed away on November 5th 2021...
Here's the thing though, my maa fell from her wheelchair on her birthday October 25th 2021 when she was trying to get to her bed at a slow pace, and we found out that performing surgery on her would've been super risky because her bones became so frail over the years (she was 91 years old btw) and my family and I knew what that meant which wasn't an easy decision to make... Less than 12 days later when she was in hospice she passed away just shortly after the whole family left from the hospital that night. Yet still, I kept telling myself to press on and be strong for the family.
That was a span of 8 months from learning the knews that my uncle was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer to the day my ma passed away in November.
and you all know the story of what happened when I admitted about my discovery and love for NH that spawned from these events and everything that ensued on here, but it became my coping mechanism during the month of May and I acted a certain way that just wasn't me... What I did turned off so many people and the faith and trust you all had in my way went away, and I might've mentioned i before but I'll say it again I hated what I became more than anyone and the way I interacted just to find my way out through all that inner grief and sadness I was dealing with. None of of my grief and sadness excuses what happened that day, but there's more to this story wanna share beyond that.
From the month of May, I got word from my cousin that his father's health was rapidly deteriorating and there was just no telling how much time my uncle had left to live anymore. So my parents and other cousins made it a thing to visit my uncle 3 or 4 times within the week and just spend as much time with him as we possibly could together, and each day that passed just kept harder and harder to bear the more I saw my uncle and the constant pain I saw on my older cousin's face in that situation. Even with that I kept saying, "Lucky stay strong for him... you have to... don't break down even for a second!"
Come father's day, we were supposed to go out to this Pizza place for a family gathering and just celebrate together as a a family, but that morning I got a text from my cousin again that my uncle was admitted into the hospital for a check up cause his pressure was too high and that he needed to just recover and rest. A week and a half later I get another update from my cousin that my uncle has less then 2 weeks left to live and he wanted to spend his final days at his home to see his family members and enjoy life. The night of July 3rd the family and I were all celebrating together for a gathering with food and my uncle was having a good time with the amount of energy he had going on for him. He even told my and my cousins and his son that on the nigh of the 4th of July we'll do something fun and exciting together... Order some Pizza, watch a movie, sing some songs together, make smores, the list goes on and on. I was told my dad that my cousin and I had some plans to get out of the house and just take a little bit of breather if that was okay with him, and he told us "that's completely fine... I have never said no to you guys when it pertains to plan.. Go have fun for a bit and if anything happens I'll be sure to give you a call." and that was something my uncle even told his son too "Just enjoy and don't take in a lot of stress. Just be positive in life!"
Which brings us to the morning of July 4th which sighs...... In case anybody can't tell writing this has been really emotional for me and July 4th 2022 wasn't exactly an easy day for anyone.... My cousin called a 7 AM weeping that his father had passed away at 6:55 AM when he took his final breath.... If you were to look at me that day.... I continued to hold a strong face for everyone in the family, but deep down I was hurting a lot more than I would've liked to admit. Even during the day of the funeral I continuously choked a few times while the whole process was taking place and I just had to look away cause I didn't want anyone to notice since they knew me for being the strong one in the family.
The remainder of July became an entire grieving and mournful process for the whole especially, but especially for my cousin, his mother, and his older sister. My own sister came into town that week too because she also had a really strong bond and attachment to my uncle, my cousin, and his older sister. It was a sense of unity that we all had to embrace together and something I knew deep down that I really needed for them. Despite, my own personal feelings and sadness that I was expressing I kept saying "it was okay Lucky... It's okay!'
Through the months of August to October I kept in touch with my cousin and his sister to see how everything was going and making sure things were okay. We spent a lot of time together whenever we got the chance during the weekend and especially during football nigh cause my family has a huge love for the games... If anyone is curious.. Go Cowboys lol! but anyway, even though it was only a few months I continuously felt that void increasing.... It was one thing when I lost my maa, but losing my uncle too really hurt the camel's back for me even though it was a slow burn process that I didn't even realize.
Just to bring up the time frame again:
March 5th 2021 - My Uncle was diagnosed with 4th stage Lung Cancer
November 5th 2021- My Maa passes away after her fall in October 25th (her birthday).
That was a span of 8 months, and now to factor my the passing of my uncle's death.
July 4th 2022 - Uncle passes away from Lung Cancer he was battling with for 1 year & 4 months)
So the gap from My Maa's death and my uncle's death was also just a short span of 8 months too.
Then I went on this trip to India for the last few weeks.. It was more of a pilgrimage but one where my family and I with my cousins had to preform these customs for the relatives we've lost in our family which included my dad's father, his mother, and of course my uncle. It was in a way meant to be like the final passing of the torch to make sure they were able to find their peace in the world and find their way towards peace. At the same time, it was also used as a way to attempt to relinquish whatever grief that's been troubling you and just let it go while thinking of nothing but pure positivity. Whatever is negative and toxic... Let it go because it's only gonna make things worse which is a belief that my late uncle taught me and it was in that moment that I was able to breakdown while I was looking towards the sea.... not even exaggerating on that one this ritual happened at like the shoreline of a beach so it really brought a whole retrospective on me as I was able to just let everything out and feel the air and my surrounding... to just breath and try living with the outmost positivity and happiness in my life. Which is what I always believed in for a very long time, but it was just something that needed to come back to my senses.
Like I said before, writing all of this down has been really emotional for me and I just can't help but find myself letting out tears because that's how I'm truthfully and honestly feeling. As to why I'm sharing all of this on here? Well the truth of the matter is you guys are my safe haven... this place: Heaven and Earth will always be my safe haven no matter what. I will always care about every one of you guys and all the times we spent together. Hell, I still wanna continue having a great time and making great memories together like we've always done in the past. If everyone is bringing you down because what you believe in and love is wrong....Well let me just say prove them wrong and be proud of what you believe in. Regardless of where I stand on the spectrum, at the end of the day this place is home and you guys are also my home, my family, and nothing is ever gonna change that at all.
Now I can finally say this is my rebirth and renewal!
