328 replies to this topic

[Paradox Jast]

Glad you liked it. Hopefully it won't take me nearly as long to get the next one out. I'm thinking some of the next few chapters may 'flow' rather well.

[Gravenimage]

Paradox I've been wondering if there will be a time skip which Naruto and Sakura will be older like eighteen going to nineteen something like that?

P.S I love the chapter very good keep up the great work.

[Paradox Jast]

Hrm, I don't have a planned time skip in the traditional sense, no. But there will be a period of time where time goes by relatively quickly. As it stands now, I'd place this chapter not long after Naruto's birthday.

Time will start advancing a little more swiftly soon, though it still may not be that noticeable unless I make a point to state ages or some such. I can only guesstimate that they will be around eighteen or so by the time the fic ends, perhaps Sakura will be nineteen.

[catsi563]

doutful the current flow of the story as it is now doesnt really support one.

recent chapter was good but the Sasuke Naruto resolution wasnt handled as well as it could have been. it seemed too choppy. one moment Narutos getitng pissed, the next Sakuras healing hanabi instead of being with Naruto, and Sasukes gone. Its not as smooth as other confrontations have been especially given the importance of the encounter.

Even Sakura and Inos reactions seem almost blase given who it is. I expect Sakura to be better prepared given her relationship with naruto but Inos shown no such adjustment.

As an aside im still convicned after another reread that Gauntlet needs to go back to the original. the new chapter just doesnt flow as well as the original.

[Gravenimage]

doutful the current flow of the story as it is now doesnt really support one.

recent chapter was good but the Sasuke Naruto resolution wasnt handled as well as it could have been. it seemed too choppy. one moment Narutos getitng pissed, the next Sakuras healing hanabi instead of being with Naruto, and Sasukes gone. Its not as smooth as other confrontations have been especially given the importance of the encounter.

Even Sakura and Inos reactions seem almost blase given who it is. I expect Sakura to be better prepared given her relationship with naruto but Inos shown no such adjustment.

As an aside im still convicned after another reread that Gauntlet needs to go back to the original. the new chapter just doesnt flow as well as the original.

True true you make a good point catsi.

[Paradox Jast]

Honestly, I re-wrote chapter 28 about five or six times because I hated the way it was before. Ask Denim, he knows how much I was struggling - it took a few big nudges and plot bunnies sent my way before I got something down that I actually liked.

I still wasn't completely satisfied with this chapter, in the long run - but after a month of re-writes, I was getting to the point where I just wanted to get it done... which is not a good spot for an author to be. As a result, I knew this chapter was going to suffer a bit.

On the flip side, I'm really looking forward to writing the next one, so hopefully it will make up for any of the lack felt in this one. I know I won't be able to write superb chapters every time, but I do try.

Also - I did mention in the A/N that I wrote this chapter from the perspective of Hanabi, not my usual characters of Naruto and Sakura. That might be some explanation for the lack of typical reactions you've seen thus far - Hanabi simply doesn't recognize them as the others do. Perhaps it can be considered a weak excuse for shoddy writing, I dunno. I talked with Denim for a while about what I was trying to do, and I felt that Hanabi deserved a little time in the spotlight, and she'd also be fun for me to write. Of course we didn't come to that conclusion until I'd already been through four drafts (but Denim didn't know that... well... he does now.).

It will be back to the usual attitudes next chapter as Hanabi gets moved back to her normal tertiary character role.

As for the Gauntlet, I'm still looking at it. I'll try shifting it back to be a little more hardcore. Right at this moment, though, it's not at the very top of my priorities. O.o I can post a note in the chapter for people who want to read the original version, they can check my Deviantart account, hopefully that will suffice for the interim?

Edited by Paradox Jast, 01 June 2010 - 07:58 PM.

[Codus N]

Good chapter, but I'm kinda getting annoyed with the NaruHarem in this chapter especially with Hanabi. From the way you depicted her in the earlier chapters, I figured that Hanabi just looked up to Naruto & didn't have a crush on him. Sure, I get the reason why but it just too much forced. To be honest, I still would've preferred Konohamaru being Hanabi's teammate, since Konohamaru is like a mini-Naruto, Hanabi should start getting attracted to him as well. (I'm still hoping you can still somehow insert him in this story)

[Paradox Jast]

She says in the chapter that she doesn't have a crush on him, but it's still hard to ignore that he's a good looking guy. It's like you said, she looks up to him and respects him, nothing more.

[Codus N]

Yeah, but the way you wrote it makes it seem like she has a puppy crush on him. BTW, You should get your ass moving to work on H:F right now since it seems that we'll soon see some answers revealed about Minato in the manga.

[catsi563]

actually PJ to be honest the issue for me isnt with any puppy crush on naruto by Hanabi. for me its more along the lines of how Naruto seems to almsot be ""playing the field"".

ive noticed for two people who have said theyre boyfriend and girlfriend there seems to be an almsot distance between them. Instead of acting more affectionate and open to Sakura its almsot like hes enjoying teasing with hanabi. I realize its probably not your intention but it does come off that way.

Its something ive noticed and warned you about earlier to be cautious about. The Naruto youve descrived so far to me would have had one of two reactions in the situation described. A more comical ""hoy crap if Sakura catches me like this im a pancake"" reaction or a more serious "reaction where he puts her down as soon as shes safe""

he basically held onto her far too long and as Ciardha has stated such intimate physical contact is not something two people in the relationship they have would do. He wouldnt hold onto her any longer then practicallity would demand espcially as hes more mature in this ((still great)) story.

It really comes down to me seeing a need to really start writing more physical intimacey between Naruto and Sakura, not lemons mind you thats been dscussed elsewhere, but more signs that these two are in a relationship. these two are two fo the msot expressive people both emotionally and physcially in the Narutoverse. Sakura proved this with her hugging him in front of the entrie village in canon, and in your story by kissing him right in the middle of the outpost for all to see.

Shes not the type of person once a decisons made especially in regards to her feelings to act all embarrased and prudish inspite of Inos teasing. She smore likely to give Ino one of those ""why yes Piggy he is my boyfriend wheres yours" cracks.

As i said just be cautious of the characterization as you know.

Hanabi nodded slowly, and felt the hand remove itself from her mouth, but the other arm continued to hold her tightly. She was aware of Naruto and Sasuke talking to each other, but now her current... assailant... had gotten her focus. Turning her head to the side, she saw the slightly grinning visage of her sensei. Or more accurately, one of his clones.

"How did you know what to do in such a short amount of time? There's no way Naruto-sensei could have given you orders like he normally does."

She heard the chuckle, but also felt the rumbling of laughter from the clone's chest against her back. It wasn't until then that she remembered her sensei commonly practiced with her while only wearing his mesh shirt, and a quick glance towards him confirmed that he still wasn't wearing his jacket. A slow blush that she couldn't control started working its way onto her face, until she felt a finger poking against the side of her head.

heres a primary example of the part i was talking about. the scene is really not needed and could easilly be written with a single glance and no contact needed.

Ill grant you this I just reread the chapter and i will say this i love the last part of the chapter now thats getting to be fun so you defiantley did a good job there> especially nice crack about Hinata lol

Edited by catsi563, 02 June 2010 - 08:53 AM.

[Codus N]

Oh yeah, PJ you've been saying you want to catch up with canon storyline soon, how long will it take?? Oh yeah, thanks to catsi for pointing out my annoyance in this chapter better than I did.

Edited by Newkerz, 02 June 2010 - 08:58 AM.

[Paradox Jast]

All I'll say for the moment is that Chapter 31 will be the Sasuke vs Itachi fight that gets glossed over, so you can see where it compares to canon. A chapter or two after that, Naruto will go for some extra training/

[Codus N]

Thxs, BTW, from the latest chapter, looks like your Kushina theory has been shot to hell LOL. but it's okay. I'll still follow your fic faithfully.

EDIT: I just read your post in the 497 spoilers thread, you don't need to change the fic at all IMO. it would just ruin the story. So, just go with the way you want it to. Besides, it's not like you could've read Kishi's mind. So, whatever you do, DON"T change it.

Edited by Newkerz, 03 June 2010 - 04:44 PM.

[catsi563]

Exactly. funny enough given the events of the manga and the events of HS/FS This makes Minato EVEN BIGGER of a genius. his foresight was remarkable.

the not only sealed himself but a portion of Kushinas chakra and it could easilly be explained that the Uchiha tampering caused her to forget that she asked minato to do so. it would be perfectly in line with the story as written. And no re write would be required.

hell it doesnt even shoot down the theory that shes alive in the slightest. just that a part of her was intentionally sealed by her own request.

In point of fact the events of recent WPC chapters even further confirm the mangas events with Kushinas using her ""special chakra"" to help calm Naruto down.

Edited by catsi563, 10 June 2010 - 10:34 PM.

[Paradox Jast]

Yeah, I'm kind of breathing a big sigh of relief. What happened in canon can seamlessly fit into WPC for the most part.

I even have some omake's planned with the 'Bloody Habanero'.

[Gravenimage]

I can't wait to read the omake's PJ.

[Codus N]

Make sure you have Shika-Kiba-Naruto hearing about it!!! I would love to have them pissing their pants!!! and oh catsi, I still believe Kushina in canon is dead but I guess your suggestion could work. But it has to be perfectly done because that is full of plot hole traps. and PJ, you really need to get your ass working on HSFS 'cuz from the looks of it, what Minato did may be explained very soon. Your top priority is that. WPC can be delayed.

Also, DO NOT have Kushina meeting Naruto in his mind, that would be too awkward. You should replace Kushina with Minato.

Edited by Newkerz, 13 June 2010 - 01:52 PM.

[shadow_Uzumaki]

Oh My God, after reading HSFS discovered from Newkerz's above comment, I actually have greater understanding of Whirlpool Country.

[Codus N]

Ok, chapter 500 is out. And Kishi just trolled you big time. What are you going to do now? you'd have to be a genius to come up with something believable. Anyways, just to take your mind off from that, I really recommend you to finish HSFS after that, you can figure out what you want to do with WPC.

[desaix]

Ok, chapter 500 is out. And Kishi just trolled you big time. What are you going to do now? you'd have to be a genius to come up with something believable. Anyways, just to take your mind off from that, I really recommend you to finish HSFS after that, you can figure out what you want to do with WPC.

Well, Paradox could just keep writing WPC as he planned it. He's not responsible for not knowing plot points in the manga that occured after he started writing. He can fit it into canon as much as possible, but that doesn't mean he has to change everything when his story gets overtaken by events.