1003 replies to this topic

[Insurrection]

I may have lost to Nee-Sama, Ouch. My team may have gone 0-4 in the most painful way possible. ARGH. But hey, my Baseball team beat Cliff Lee. Again.

Edited by Insurrection, 03 October 2011 - 04:03 AM.

[Zatren6]

Welcome to the press conference following the finale of the highly anticipated matchup between Zatties! and the Ellicott Thundercats. Let's see what Zatties! coach Zatren6 has to say about his decisive 118 to 99.4 victory.

Coach: We had a great game with the Thundercats this week, I'd like to congratulate them on a damn good game. I'm especially proud of our players' performances, Like Vincent Jackson and Matthew Stafford, who really turned it on in the fourth quarter. Any questions before we start preparing for week 5?

Reporter: Coach! Coach! Early in the day on Sunday Daniel Thomas was ruled out. How hard was the decision between Earnest Graham, who you picked up that day, and Michael Bush?

Coach: It was a pretty difficult decision. I did it to minimize any risk that would come as a result of DMC being injured, since he's been dinged up a bit this season. I also just trusted in a complete running team in the Oakland Raiders, I had this strategy back in 2009 with Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown, and that brought me a good amount of success. Anyone else?

Reporter: Coach, you got a text earlier this week from the Coach True of the Thundercats, reportedly asking you "if you were ready to lose" and that "Chris Johnson will actually win me a [expletive] game". Now that the game is over, what do you have to say about those kinds of remarks?

Coach: Listen, I'm not here to play he said she said, and what True said is between us. But...I think the response is fairly obvious *points to scoreboard*.

Reporter: Aw snap.

Coach: Alright, any more questions?

Reporter: This kind of press conference post thing is kinda stupid. Why are you copying True's stupid habit?

Coach: Well, that's because I'm mocking him. See you guys next week.

Edited by Zatren6, 04 October 2011 - 05:18 AM.

[Jwolf0]

This recap may take a minute, folks. So, so much derp involved it's not even funny. The 'Kick to the Groin' award could conceivably go to half the league this week, and most of us already feel like we got one. Hang tight.

Recap of Week Four, aka the Weekend of a Thousand DERPs.

On a weekend where there were so many ugly blowouts, it only feels right that the format changes slightly for this recap. So while there may be less actual recap content involved (is such a thing even possible?), each game will be rated on a DERP scale of 1 to 4 using the NFC East and how each of that division's teams tried to give the game away. Interspersed through will be choice quotes from a hilarious article on the fictional play-by-play commentary of the God-awful Michigan State/Ohio State game. I'd link it, but it has some salty language. Look up the college football Every Day Should Be Saturday if you want to find it. Actually, go there if you like college football with a side of hilarity and vitriol. Or if you just like college football. Or just hilarity and vitriol.


KellersFrostedFlakes 141.50
Sam Adams Patriots 72.35

Sean: I have a new respect for the punt today, Matt. It's the mercy flush of offensive plays in this game.

Matt: I'm sorry Sean, I didn't hear you. I was trying to swallow my own tongue.

Sean: Our words have no meaning, Matt. Punt coming up, not that it matters in the howling cold void of this world.

-Well, at least Dez Bryant worked out for Shriner, even if almost no one else did.

DERP Scale: 3.3 (Tony Romo throws 3 INTs, 2 of them pick-sixes. Last week a hero, this week a zero. Tony Romo, the hipster QB!)


The Golden Thumbs 81.10
Leatherbacks 137.80

Matt: Kirk Cousins is a very good quarterback but cognitively he is a Sun Bear with a learning disability.

Sean: The Ohio State defense has been confusing him with squeaky toys and honey-scented jerseys, according to our sideline reporter Jeannine Edwards. Let's go down to her on the field.

Jeannine Edwards: [WEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY]

Matt: She's a pro.

Sean: THE BEST.

-Substitute Jay Cutler for Kirk Cousins above. Now read that passage again. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT. Not one of the bigger surprise slaughters because, you know, Tom Brady and Calvin Johnson, man.

DERP Scale: 2.5 (Victor Cruz forgets he's in college and leaves the ball behind. Good thing the kinder, gentler NFL is there to protect him from himself!)


Gama Warriors 107.00
Reavers! 94.95

Matt: Dantonio can't coach, but he hates humanity with a burning passion and that's what makes him the moderately successful and extremely lonely person he is.

Sean: It's lonely at the top, Matt.

Matt: And lonelier still in an empty basement where you stare at your only friend, a burned Christmas tree you call Harald the Inconsolable.

-At least Nee-sama escapes the basement with this win. This despite another less than stellar performance from Big Ben. Someone might wanna check the warranty on that Steelers O-line.

DERP Scale: 1.5 (Hey Alex Henery, 3 of 5 is good in baseball. YOU AREN'T PLAYING BASEBALL.)


Zatties! 118.00
Ellicott Thundercats 99.40

Matt: Seems like ol Jim Bollman got into the grain alcohol a few quarters early today, Sean.

Sean: Yessir, a 15 yard in-route run backwards seems counter-productive.

Matt: In the film room, they explained this play to us by saying that they wanted to get the ball to their guy in space, but also cut out the middle man by losing all yardage on first down to conserve energy.

-So an 18-point difference is the 2nd closest game this week. It might have been less close had Andre Johnson not gotten injured early, but hooray Matthew Stafford! At least True was respectable in defeat, getting double digits on all but of his players.

DERP Scale: 1 (Bad Rex Grossman! Hey, it's been awhile, how are you? Gonna stay for a bit? Good Rex was nice and all, but I knew that once real football started you just couldn't stay away. Want a candy bar? I've got your favorite - Butterfinger!)


Tokyo Raiders 95.95
The Wulfpack 131.65

[On the ensuing Ohio State possession.]

Sean: Oh mute and non-existent God please.

Matt: Seems like ol Jim Bollman got into the grain alcohol a few quarters early today, Sean. Braxton Miller just takes the ball here and begins rolling around on the ground like he's on fire.

Sean: Could be marking it with his scent after Bauserman came in on that series.

Matt: Could be, Sean. It's important for a qb to let everyone know he's in charge.

Sean: No doubt, sir. I hate this game like I hated my father.

-Oh Baltimore. I ain't even mad at you - I can't stand Mark Sanchez. At least roninmedia can take solace in the fact that either Henne's -0.55 or Flacco's 2.85 didn't matter. Pierre Garcon's 26 would have been nice, but who saw that coming?

DERP Scale: 3 (Twelve men on the field and you still can't stop Calvin Johnson from scoring a TD? Really, Cowboys?)


Sparky McRandomsons 83.15
All we do is lose 175.50

Matt: Sean, Colorectal cancer.

Sean: [crying] What?

Matt: This game makes me want it.

-So what did we learn here? When Aaron Rodgers is projected for 32 points, that is under-projecting. By a LOT. His 58 was easily more than half of my entire team's. What a paddling. Even being right on Jared Cook can't make this hurt any less. The difference in our scores is more than my team's output!

DERP Scale: 4 (Ronnie Brown, WTF are you doing?!)



Week 4 results: 6-0 (It says something that the first time I'm perfect on the week is a screwed up one like this. I have no idea what it says, but it does say something.)
Overall pick record: 17-7
Kick to the Groin 'Winners':
-Week 1: Zatren6
-Week 2: Nate River. Tough luck with the kid, dood.
-Week 3: Nate River. Frank Gore, dood.
-Week 4: Jwolf0. A few candidates, but to get doubled up? No other choice.

Edited by Jwolf0, 04 October 2011 - 11:35 PM.

[Nate River]

My opponent had Rodgers in my other league, I feel your pain. Fantasy Football Gods hate me this year.

[True]

Reporter: Coach True! You have now lost two games in a row and are sitting at 1-3. Your supposed “dream” draft has turned into a nightmare. Is your team in jeopardy of missing the playoffs?

Coach: We are not going to utter the “P” word in this locker room. There will be no single mention of that subject until we get a win. You go by week to week in this league and our opponent is the Tokyo Raiders, not some other team down the line.

Reporter: Coach, what would you say is the biggest problem with your team?

Coach True: Another “P” word huh; it never stops with you guys. Well our biggest “Problem” starts with “C” which is consistency. We need more consistent play from ALL of our players to make for a team effort. One week our running backs put in a good effort and our WRs fail us and vice versa the next week. We expected Matt Schaub to put up better numbers but he is highly inconsistent and not producing like we expected. Roddy White needs to stop leading the league in dropped passes and get us more catches and Brandon Marshall needs to catch a freaking TD. We hope to turn that around this week.

Reporter: Do you still believe in Chris Johnson?

Coach True: Absolutely. 100%. We are fully behind him. He is getting into football shape again and we have faith he will reward us after the big salary we paid him.

Reporter: Any standout player you want to mention this week?

Coach True: We expect a big game out of Jacoby this week. He’s been looking good in practice all week and performed well last year when Andre Johnson missed some time. We feel like he can step up and produce great for us this week.

Reporter: Are you not nervous about your defensive match up? This experimentation with a situational defense is highly risky.

Coach True: Well ever since I was young I’ve been told to have faith and be a believer. I’m a believer in myself…in my team…in my players…and in my coaching abilities. We will take any risk we can get at defense because we trust and believe in each other as professionals and as men.

Reporter: Final thoughts heading into this week?

Coach True: We’ve had some rough patches these last few weeks no doubt about that! It’s a long season and I believe in these players and this team! We will thrive and return to form! There have been some mistakes, no doubt about that! BUT, we will regroup and rally and finish strong! It’s a tough week, it’s a tough season, its’ a tough game! And we are ready for any challenge!

[Jwolf0]

Just a heads up; visiting family and I have limited time on the computer, so no wildly inaccurate picks this week.

[Zatren6]

Reporter: Coach True! You have now lost two games in a row and are sitting at 1-3. Your supposed “dream” draft has turned into a nightmare. Is your team in jeopardy of missing the playoffs?

Coach: We are not going to utter the “P” word in this locker room. There will be no single mention of that subject until we get a win. You go by week to week in this league and our opponent is the Tokyo Raiders, not some other team down the line.

Reporter: Coach, what would you say is the biggest problem with your team?

Coach True: Another “P” word huh; it never stops with you guys. Well our biggest “Problem” starts with “C” which is consistency. We need more consistent play from ALL of our players to make for a team effort. One week our running backs put in a good effort and our WRs fail us and vice versa the next week. We expected Matt Schaub to put up better numbers but he is highly inconsistent and not producing like we expected. Roddy White needs to stop leading the league in dropped passes and get us more catches and Brandon Marshall needs to catch a freaking TD. We hope to turn that around this week.

Reporter: Do you still believe in Chris Johnson?

Coach True: Absolutely. 100%. We are fully behind him. He is getting into football shape again and we have faith he will reward us after the big salary we paid him.

Reporter: Any standout player you want to mention this week?

Coach True: We expect a big game out of Jacoby this week. He’s been looking good in practice all week and performed well last year when Andre Johnson missed some time. We feel like he can step up and produce great for us this week.

Reporter: Are you not nervous about your defensive match up? This experimentation with a situational defense is highly risky.

Coach True: Well ever since I was young I’ve been told to have faith and be a believer. I’m a believer in myself…in my team…in my players…and in my coaching abilities. We will take any risk we can get at defense because we trust and believe in each other as professionals and as men.

Reporter: Final thoughts heading into this week?

Coach True: We’ve had some rough patches these last few weeks no doubt about that! It’s a long season and I believe in these players and this team! We will thrive and return to form! There have been some mistakes, no doubt about that! BUT, we will regroup and rally and finish strong! It’s a tough week, it’s a tough season, its’ a tough game! And we are ready for any challenge!

Stop it.

[Nee-sama]

zomg! Big Ben finally scored more than 9.5 points! Hallelujah!

[Nick Soapdish]

zomg! Big Ben finally scored more than 9.5 points! Hallelujah!

Yeah, you just lit me up with him, AD and BJGE. Save me Calvin Johnson and Jay Cutler (Detroit's D)!

[Nate River]

Up by 16.35, if Cutler performs as projected I lose by half a point. I'll be so pissed if that happens. Last second INT by Ryan and Finley dropping at least three passes. The Atlanta offense was down right pitiful in the second half. Come on Detriot....I, like Nick, need you to kick Cutler's butt.

Yeah, and all the points from Williams on the effing bench.

I know Cutler's going to make it. It's just been that kind of year.

The only thing I'll win in this game is a kick to the groin. Again. If things work out like I think they will about all of 10 points will be the difference between 3-2 and 0-5.

[Insurrection]

Field Goal to win. Come on Detroit!

Wow, that felt weird.

[Nate River]

I lose in the last two minutes......



This sucks. I think I'd rather be blown out then this crap keep happening. Three loses by 10 points combined.

[Insurrection]

I lose in the last two minutes......



This sucks. I think I'd rather be blown out then this crap keep happening. Three loses by 10 points combined.

I thought you would use this....

Edited by Insurrection, 11 October 2011 - 04:01 AM.

[Nate River]

The Futurama clip is how I feel relying on Matt Ryan.

But, to be fair, I've made a lot of bad decisions with this team (Ryan, Kolb, AJ Green....). Next year, I'm just sticking with whomever I draft. Last year when I didn't listen to anyone I did well, this year when I did...well...

[Insurrection]

The Futurama clip is how I feel relying on Matt Ryan.

But, to be fair, I've made a lot of bad decisions with this team (Ryan, Kolb, AJ Green....). Next year, I'm just sticking with whomever I draft. Last year when I didn't listen to anyone I did well, this year when I did...well...

LCS Game 2 was good.

Edited by Insurrection, 11 October 2011 - 04:32 AM.

[Insurrection]

Apparently I lost because of a stat correction, is there a way to complain? Instead of winning by 2 I lost by .25.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!?!?!

Edited by Insurrection, 11 October 2011 - 03:22 PM.

[Nate River]

LCS Game 2 was good.

I agree, but are we referring to the same LCS game? I'm a Rangers fan after all.

[Insurrection]

I agree, but are we referring to the same LCS game? I'm a Rangers fan after all.

I was referring to both. (Cardinals Fan) But I knew you were a Rangers fan so first walk-off grand slam in Postseason history should help you feels better.

Edited by Insurrection, 11 October 2011 - 03:23 PM.

[Nate River]

I was referring to both. (Cardinals Fan) But I knew you were a Rangers fan so first walk-off grand slam in Postseason history should help you feels better.

What was the stat correction on? If not for the 0-5 record and constant narrow losses I'd say you deserve kick to groin more than me.

Oh, I'm well over it. The Benson vid made me laugh. That was reason I posted it in the first place.

I knew you were a Cardinals fan that was why I wasn't sure.

That was a nail-biter. I thought they might be in trouble when Holland couldn't throw strikes and then when they couldn't do anything against Scherzer for nearly 4 innings straight. I didn't feel relief until the Cruz homer in the seventh and then again until 11th. That 9th inning was ulcer inducing with Andrus nearly dropping the ball and then the Rangers blowing a bases loaded nobody out situation. The only call that really bugged was yanking Ogando. He has owned the Tigers with an ERA around 1 against them in 20+ innings. If it were a different right-hander I would have been more comfortable pulling him, but not Ogando.

Derek Holland owes Scott Feldman like five rounds of beer for bailing him out.

[Mik3]

Apparently I lost because of a stat correction, is there a way to complain? Instead of winning by 2 I lost by .25.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED!?!?!

That, unfortunately, is how Yahoo does it. They literally update the different systems overnight. It happened to almost everyone else after sunday night but those matchups were more decisive.