Chakra Tree Climber
Posted 07 October 2013 - 12:19 AM
Hi, Slextrem. 
I'm mainly a lurker here, so I haven't really gotten to talk to anyone.. so I hope you don't find my posting here as odd. 
I really enjoy your posts, though, and my lurking has gotten in the middle of getting to talk to you. I hope I can fit in among the rest of the guys here.
...I really suck at introductions. 
There was once a hero who flew too close to the sun.
His wings of wax fell apart and he plummeted to the earth...
Jounin
Posted 07 October 2013 - 01:36 AM
I kind of glad I'm not the only one who's experienced such a dream, it was the strangest thing ever.
The shadow person encounter was extra terrifying because I'm certain that I've seen them before when I'm awake. You see something moving out the corner of your eye and by the time you turn, it's gone. Even now, writing about it I keep looking over my shoulder...
I remember one time about 2 years ago when I was on my side and just drifting off, and I could've sworn I heard a voice go 'Hey' just behind me. I soun round, nothing there, but I thought 'What the f&*# was that!?'. I haven't had any nasty ones in a while, although knowing my luck, I'll go to bed tonight and wake up in a cold sweat (and now you probably will as well... sorry
There've been times where the dream was so good, you wake up (either through alarm or stirring) and think 'Oohhh, I was enjoying that...'
I think the mind is a fascinating thing, If ever I come across something on discovery about the mind, space, aliens, ghosts, it's got to be on.
That's been happening to me a lot lately. Every now and then, I'll see a shadow move really quickly out of the corner of my eye. There's not enough time to tell what it is. Sometimes I've dismissed it as one of the cats, but when I inspect the area that I saw it move, there's nothing there. I know it's probably just my imagination, but I don't like how frequently it's been happening.
If I have a nightmare tonight, it will probably be about my homework and how much of it I haven't finished yet~ I hate those dreams the most. I usually get them the night before an exam. I'm trying to rest so that I can do well, but my brain is like, "LOL You're going to fail. Remember all of these things that you didn't get to study? By the way, your other paper is due in three days." It's the worst. 
I've had those really good dreams as well. One time, I dreamed that I didn't need to wear glasses anymore, and when I woke up, I could actually see. Turned out that I had forgotten to take my contacts out the night before. I was about to get on my knees and praise the Lord. 
The human mind is a really interesting subject. You should try taking a Psychology course! I learned quite a bit from just the beginner level course last semester.
Hi, Slextrem.
I really enjoy your posts, though, and my lurking has gotten in the middle of getting to talk to you. I hope I can fit in among the rest of the guys here.
...
I really suck at introductions.
Hello! 
No, I don't find it odd at all. I'm actually really happy to see someone new make posts on my blog! Feel free to comment whenever you like!
Jounin
Posted 07 October 2013 - 05:35 PM
This weekend we hosted a garage sale, and while going through all of my old clothes from high school, I found something that I had locked away for years. A journal, and after reading through it, it brought back some feelings that I had thought I forgot about.
I was always the fat girl in school, and the kids made fun of me for it every single day. I'd sit at the front of the school bus with all of the little kids and pretend I couldn't hear my classmates calling me a hungry hippo and laughing hysterically at my expense. When the bus stopped, I would run the entire way home, throw myself on my bed, and just cry. The few "friends" that I did have at the time never stood up for me when I was teased, and often times, would join in with the other kids or make fun of me behind my back to avoid getting made fun of themselves. It was awful and I had no way to escape it. (One of the downsides to having classes with the same people for 12 years)
Anyway, when I couldn't take the teasing any more, I decided I was going to stop eating entirely - that way they couldn't make fun of me for being fat, and if I starved to death, it would be on their conscience. It was really hard to do because, obviously, going for a long period of time without food is unnatural, unhealthy, and painful. So I started by cutting out meat, and after two weeks, I dropped 20 pounds. I didn't think too much of it until a popular girl in my class told me that my face looked slimmer. I felt so happy and motivated to continue. Even if it was painful, it would be worth it if I could make some friends. ...Then my body started to plateau.
I wasn't losing weight as drastically as I was before and I didn't understand why. Instead of dropping ten pounds in a week, I was losing maybe two, and that wasn't enough. More had to come off, so I decided to cut out dairy too, and suddenly the weight started to poor off again. This pattern kept repeating. I would lose a lot of weight, hit a plateau, and pick a food group to cut out of my diet until eventually I wasn't eating anything anymore. I brought mints to school so that if I had an urge to eat, I could just chew on one of those instead. Anything to make big fat crybaby Lauren go away. I hated her. She was weak, and pathetic, and disgusting, but no matter how much weight I lost, she was the only person I could see when I looked in the mirror.
I was 5'10 and 125 pounds. I could fit into a pair of size 5 jeans and I wasn't afraid to show off my stomach - even though you could see my ribs. I could also feel my tail bone dig into the ground every time I sat down, and sometimes I would faint when I stepped out of the shower because I had developed anemia. I did manage to make some friends at that point. I had a boyfriend with a cool car, a best friend that slept over every Friday, and a circle of acquaintances that I could laugh and joke around with. My life was great, but soon I noticed my friends and family trying to get me to eat. They would go out to restaurants for lunch and buy me something, even though I said I wasn't hungry, and they would pout when I wouldn't eat it. Those few nibbles were enough to make me remember how hungry I really was, and so I found myself eating more food every day. I couldn't stand that they were hindering my progress. That's when I found out about bulimia.
I would humor my friends by ordering food with them, and I would eat two portions of dinner every night. It didn't matter any more because I was going to puke it all up anyway. My teeth became susceptible to cavities because I was making myself throw up so much. In fact, most of the enamel on my teeth is gone now... Those were some very dark times for me, and I have them all laid out in this little butterfly journal:
That isn't even the worst of it.
I found out years later that the kids in my class had been playing a game while I was going through all of this. Every Friday, they would make a bets with each other about whether or not I would lose more weight over the weekend. I also learned that they referred to me as "skeletor" behind my back... So in the end, I put myself through hell for nothing.
Of course, I eventually moved past this obsession with being skinny, but the feelings that I've been getting from reading the journal are scaring me. I know that what I did was wrong and unhealthy, and I've come to accept myself regardless of my weight, but this little voice in the back of my head is telling me otherwise. To be honest, I'm starting to feel a bit insecure about my body... I know I shouldn't. I've been told over and over again that the number on the scale means nothing, but I can't help it. I was really comfortable with my appearance until I pulled out those old size XS clothes and journal, and now I'm feeling less attractive. Maybe it's because I haven't had sex in a while. Regardless, I'm terrified to acknowledge these feelings because I don't want to experience this all over again.
I guess this is my cry for help...
Edited by Slextrem, 07 October 2013 - 06:11 PM.
Missing-nin
Posted 07 October 2013 - 09:07 PM
Missing-nin
Posted 07 October 2013 - 09:12 PM
Wowza Lauren... I didn't know any of this.
Jounin
Posted 07 October 2013 - 10:02 PM
Everyone has their dirty little secrets. I was just getting out of that phase when I met you. Naruto is actually what helped pull me out of it because it gave me something else to focus on. In that sense, you and Quin helped me overcome my disorder to some extent.
I'll throw my word.
Lauren, if you're not entirely satisfied with your weight even now, then work toward changing it gradually but you have to face your insecurities and not bury it away because it'll resurface. You're a beautiful young woman buddy! Also, realize that there's a guy that loves you for you. Tackle the insecurity together with him and work toward bettering yourself inside and out. Love yourself entirely. :)
And if you ever need an ear, you know how to reach me.
I'm still healthy - I fit a size 10 - but I do want to slim down a bit... I just don't know how to go about doing that without everything spiraling out of control like it did before. It's so easy to fall back into those habits. I've told Andy about all of this and he's been wonderful about it, but I think I need a partner to work through it with me if I'm going to diet. I never did things like this when I dieted with my mom because we were cooking, eating, and exercising together.
Anyway, thank you for the advice. It really does help, and I've had a chance to clear my head.
Missing-nin
Posted 07 October 2013 - 11:02 PM
Numquam Moribimur
Posted 08 October 2013 - 12:20 AM
Everyone has their dirty little secrets. I was just getting out of that phase when I met you. Naruto is actually what helped pull me out of it because it gave me something else to focus on. In that sense, you and Quin helped me overcome my disorder to some extent.
I'm still healthy - I fit a size 10 - but I do want to slim down a bit... I just don't know how to go about doing that without everything spiraling out of control like it did before. It's so easy to fall back into those habits. I've told Andy about all of this and he's been wonderful about it, but I think I need a partner to work through it with me if I'm going to diet. I never did things like this when I dieted with my mom because we were cooking, eating, and exercising together.
Anyway, thank you for the advice. It really does help, and I've had a chance to clear my head.
I would say I'm a rather humble person, so I'm not sure wether I would agree that I've contributed, but If you truly feel that Houston and I have helped you through some of your tough times, then I'm glad that we played a part.
Weight is a problem for me as well, though I've recently made changes to my eating habits (cutting out white bread being the main thing, but eating tons more fruit and more veg) and have lost nearly 12 pounds over a month. I'm currently at 238 (though I don't look it, as some people have said) and I'm aiming for 210 (15 stone/just over 95 Kg). I need to work out a set routine for the gym (I'd use the equipment, but with no real plan in mind) and get back into swimming. I've also taken up cycling, too.
If we need a motivator though, looks like we'll all have to call this guy.
I used to train in Tae Kwon Do but left after I finished Uni. I want to get back into martial arts and try Krav Maga or Pencak Silat sometime.
Like Hou said, we here if you need someone to listen and talk with, and it's you've got Andy spurring you on as well. Let's keep eachother motivated!
PULL ON THOSE LEG WARMERS!! 
Edited by Quinny52, 08 October 2013 - 12:25 AM.
If there's one thing I have learned In my short time on this Earth
Devotion should be owed not earned Only you determine what you're worth
Gustav Wood - Young Guns
Jounin
Posted 08 October 2013 - 03:05 AM
Thanks, you guys. You two really are the best internet friends a girl could ask for. 
Oust, Andy's brother is trying to put some weight on too. He's using a protein powder that has really been helping him out with that. I could ask what the brand is, if you want?
Quin, it sounds like you're well on your way to your goal! Congratulations on the weight loss!
I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I think step one should be getting rid of the journal. I've decided I don't want to remember what it's like to be in that state of mind ever again. After that, it wouldn't hurt to do more exercise. I should buy more vegetables and fiber too. 
Missing-nin
Posted 08 October 2013 - 03:13 AM
Jounin
Posted 10 October 2013 - 05:02 PM
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
Come let me love you
Let me give my life to you
Let me drown in your laughter
Let me die in your arms
Let me lay down beside you
Let me always be with you
Come let me love you
Come love me again
You fill up my senses
Like a night in a forest
Like the mountains in springtime
Like a walk in the rain
Like a storm in the desert
Like a sleepy blue ocean
You fill up my senses
Come fill me again
Commander
Posted 10 October 2013 - 05:44 PM
This weekend we hosted a garage sale, and while going through all of my old clothes from high school, I found something that I had locked away for years. A journal, and after reading through it, it brought back some feelings that I had thought I forgot about.
I was always the fat girl in school, and the kids made fun of me for it every single day. I'd sit at the front of the school bus with all of the little kids and pretend I couldn't hear my classmates calling me a hungry hippo and laughing hysterically at my expense. When the bus stopped, I would run the entire way home, throw myself on my bed, and just cry. The few "friends" that I did have at the time never stood up for me when I was teased, and often times, would join in with the other kids or make fun of me behind my back to avoid getting made fun of themselves. It was awful and I had no way to escape it. (One of the downsides to having classes with the same people for 12 years)
Anyway, when I couldn't take the teasing any more, I decided I was going to stop eating entirely - that way they couldn't make fun of me for being fat, and if I starved to death, it would be on their conscience. It was really hard to do because, obviously, going for a long period of time without food is unnatural, unhealthy, and painful. So I started by cutting out meat, and after two weeks, I dropped 20 pounds. I didn't think too much of it until a popular girl in my class told me that my face looked slimmer. I felt so happy and motivated to continue. Even if it was painful, it would be worth it if I could make some friends. ...Then my body started to plateau.
I wasn't losing weight as drastically as I was before and I didn't understand why. Instead of dropping ten pounds in a week, I was losing maybe two, and that wasn't enough. More had to come off, so I decided to cut out dairy too, and suddenly the weight started to poor off again. This pattern kept repeating. I would lose a lot of weight, hit a plateau, and pick a food group to cut out of my diet until eventually I wasn't eating anything anymore. I brought mints to school so that if I had an urge to eat, I could just chew on one of those instead. Anything to make big fat crybaby Lauren go away. I hated her. She was weak, and pathetic, and disgusting, but no matter how much weight I lost, she was the only person I could see when I looked in the mirror.
By summer of 2007, I looked like this:
I was 5'10 and 125 pounds. I could fit into a pair of size 5 jeans and I wasn't afraid to show off my stomach - even though you could see my ribs. I could also feel my tail bone dig into the ground every time I sat down, and sometimes I would faint when I stepped out of the shower because I had developed anemia. I did manage to make some friends at that point. I had a boyfriend with a cool car, a best friend that slept over every Friday, and a circle of acquaintances that I could laugh and joke around with. My life was great, but soon I noticed my friends and family trying to get me to eat. They would go out to restaurants for lunch and buy me something, even though I said I wasn't hungry, and they would pout when I wouldn't eat it. Those few nibbles were enough to make me remember how hungry I really was, and so I found myself eating more food every day. I couldn't stand that they were hindering my progress. That's when I found out about bulimia.
I would humor my friends by ordering food with them, and I would eat two portions of dinner every night. It didn't matter any more because I was going to puke it all up anyway. My teeth became susceptible to cavities because I was making myself throw up so much. In fact, most of the enamel on my teeth is gone now... Those were some very dark times for me, and I have them all laid out in this little butterfly journal:
...
That isn't even the worst of it.
I found out years later that the kids in my class had been playing a game while I was going through all of this. Every Friday, they would make a bets with each other about whether or not I would lose more weight over the weekend. I also learned that they referred to me as "skeletor" behind my back... So in the end, I put myself through hell for nothing.
Of course, I eventually moved past this obsession with being skinny, but the feelings that I've been getting from reading the journal are scaring me. I know that what I did was wrong and unhealthy, and I've come to accept myself regardless of my weight, but this little voice in the back of my head is telling me otherwise. To be honest, I'm starting to feel a bit insecure about my body... I know I shouldn't. I've been told over and over again that the number on the scale means nothing, but I can't help it. I was really comfortable with my appearance until I pulled out those old size XS clothes and journal, and now I'm feeling less attractive. Maybe it's because I haven't had sex in a while. Regardless, I'm terrified to acknowledge these feelings because I don't want to experience this all over again.
I guess this is my cry for help...
Wow. That's really rough, and it makes the issues I have with my appearance seem so very petty. I'm short, (only five feet) and not overweight, and yet when I look at myself all I see is the stuff I don't like(stomach; thighs) and tell myself "You're disgusting," which I know is really unfair and then I feel angry for thinking of myself that way. I haven't been brave enough to tell anyone my insecurities, and when I told my mom I couldn't fit in my jeans she said, "What, are you getting fat?" she meant no harm by it, but it was still hard to hide my hurt. People tell me I'm pretty and 'petite' and somehow, I just can't see it and I think they're just trying to be nice. I have always been hyper-critical of myself, thinking I'm just not good enough, not confident enough, not pretty enough, and then tell myself I have no right to think those things because so many people have bigger issues. It's really hard to overcome your insecurities, that I know all too well, and I'm still working on it, step by step. I hope you find a way to overcome yours, because I'm sure you're a wonderful person, regardless of how you look or what people may try to say to bring you down.
I'm the Greatest Ever!!
Posted 10 October 2013 - 08:10 PM
This has nothing to do with any recent topic...
Saturday can't get here faster enough
Jounin
Posted 10 October 2013 - 09:06 PM
Wow. That's really rough, and it makes the issues I have with my appearance seem so very petty. I'm short, (only five feet) and not overweight, and yet when I look at myself all I see is the stuff I don't like(stomach; thighs) and tell myself "You're disgusting," which I know is really unfair and then I feel angry for thinking of myself that way. I haven't been brave enough to tell anyone my insecurities, and when I told my mom I couldn't fit in my jeans she said, "What, are you getting fat?" she meant no harm by it, but it was still hard to hide my hurt. People tell me I'm pretty and 'petite' and somehow, I just can't see it and I think they're just trying to be nice. I have always been hyper-critical of myself, thinking I'm just not good enough, not confident enough, not pretty enough, and then tell myself I have no right to think those things because so many people have bigger issues. It's really hard to overcome your insecurities, that I know all too well, and I'm still working on it, step by step. I hope you find a way to overcome yours, because I'm sure you're a wonderful person, regardless of how you look or what people may try to say to bring you down.
Aw, thank you for your kind words.
I understand exactly what you're feeling, but just remember, we are our own worst critics. I bet you're beautiful just the way you are now. You're just having a hard time seeing past what you're insecure about. It's okay to feel that way. Just remember that it's what's on the inside that counts the most. A beautiful body means nothing without a beautiful heart, and there are people that will always love you for you, regardless of how you look, so never feel ashamed of your body. 
Also, the nice thing about moms is that they're great people to confide in, so don't be afraid to open up to your mom about your feelings. She said something hurtful, but if you haven't discussed this with her, she probably didn't realize that what she said upset you. Try talking it out with her when you're comfortable to do so. I bet you'll feel a lot better!
This has nothing to do with any recent topic...
Saturday can't get here faster enough
I actually hope it takes it's time. I'm on fall break right now and would like it to go by as slowly as possible. Tomorrow is Friday though. That's something to be happy about, right?
Jounin
Posted 10 October 2013 - 09:18 PM
My goal right now is to lose 15 pounds by Christmas, and I'm going to do so in the healthiest way possible. I hope I'm taking steps in the right direction. I made seven servings of cabbage soup to eat throughout the week. It's part of a diet that allows you to eat however much soup you want, but that's all you're supposed to eat. However, that last part doesn't sound healthy to me at all, so I also bought some healthy food - like sauerkraut, mushrooms, carrots, garlic tomatoes, and granola - to eat between meals. We're also stocked up on low fat greek yogurt and I'm going to eat boiled eggs for protein.
Now all I need is an exercise routine! I've been invited to try a Zumba class with Andy's mom, and I found some exercises that can be done at home before bed. I need to start out lightly. I haven't been to the gym since August... 
Jounin
Posted 11 October 2013 - 03:05 AM
So I tried Zumba, and boy oh boy, is that a sexy work out. Tonight I shook my hips more than I have in my entire life!
Missing-nin
Posted 11 October 2013 - 05:44 AM
Jounin
Posted 11 October 2013 - 05:57 AM
Great job, Oust! Happy to hear you're so close to your goal! 
I'm the Greatest Ever!!
Posted 11 October 2013 - 06:57 AM
I actually hope it takes it's time. I'm on fall break right now and would like it to go by as slowly as possible. Tomorrow is Friday though. That's something to be happy about, right?
I see you didn't get the reference XD... Pokemon X & Y officially are released this Saturday.
And Zumba? I feel weird saying this, but my mom does it every week (she's in her 50's)
Edited by MangaReader, 11 October 2013 - 06:59 AM.
Jounin
Posted 11 October 2013 - 03:58 PM
I see you didn't get the reference XD... Pokemon X & Y officially are released this Saturday.
And Zumba? I feel weird saying this, but my mom does it every week (she's in her 50's)
Oh, Pokemon! I'm not as excited about the release as most other fans are because I don't have a 3DS. Even when my copy of X gets here, I still can't play it, so it's not as exciting for me. I'd be happy with a 2DS but those are still too expensive for me.
There were ladies of all ages at the class that I went to. Most were in their 30s, but there were also some women my age as well. It was a lot of fun!
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