25 Questions You May Have About The Last Airbender
The Last Airbender is getting remarkably bad reviews. When films are received this poorly, those with a morbid sense of curiosity are ask, "Why all the vitriol?" It's kind of like those Internet videos of people viewing other Internet videos, such as "Two Girls, One Cup," with the attitude of, "Oh, how bad could this really be?" before they eventually realize their error, make a ghastly face, and leave the room. To spare you this pain, we will attempt to answer any question you may have—and many that you likely won’t—about The Last Airbender.
Q: Is The Last Airbender the worst movie that you have ever seen?A: Are you asking if it's the worst movie that I've seen including flipping through channels at three in the morning on television, or movies within movies, like Good Will Hunting 2: Hunting Season (a clip of which was nestled within Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and which actually looked decent)? Or just movies that involve my getting off of my couch, walking into an actual theater, and watching the entire thing?
Q: O.K., let me rephrase, is this the worst film you've seen that required your getting off of your couch, walking into an actual theater, and watching the entire thing?A: Yes.
Q: Worse than Jonah Hex, really?A: I really didn't think it was possible.
Q: Do you have something against M. Night Shyamalan?A: On the contrary. I saw The Sixth Sense pretty early in its theatrical run and, like everyone else, I loved the film. I tried dragging pretty much everyone I knew to see it with me again. Not so much because it’s a great movie the second time through. More to just to hear “The Sound" the audience made when, collectively, everyone discovered that Bruce Willis had been dead since the opening scene of the film. (Wait, should I have put a spoiler alert there? Ah, too late.) I loved Unbreakable. For Christ's sake, I even liked Signs. So, no, I have nothing against Mr. Shyamalan.
Q: What's an Airbender?A: Someone who can control the wind by doing some sort of Pilates-like body movements. There are also Waterbenders, Firebenders, and Earthbenders.
Q: Why is there only one Airbender left?A: Because of something called the Avatar, who can control all four elements, and who is going to be reincarnated among the Airbenders. The Firebenders, no fan of the Avatar, wipe out the Airbenders before Aang is discovered to be the Avatar. (He wasn't home when the genocide took place).
Q: Which is the coolest element to bend?A: I would say air, because you can create things like tornadoes. Water is, by far, the lamest. (It so happens that the entire film, which I guess is intended to be the first of a franchise, focuses on water). It's kind of like the power possessed by the lame Wonder Twin, Zan, on Super Friends. His sister, Jayna, could turn into any animal she desired. Zan, could only ever morph into something lame like an icy slide.
Q: So the only Airbender they didn't kill turns out to be the Avatar?A: Unfortunately. If they had gotten him, it would have been a much shorter film.
Q: It does sound like there's a pretty cool story in there, somewhere.A: Yeah, you would think, right? Fans of the animated version would agree with you.
Q: Speaking of the animated version, wasn't it called, Avatar: The Last Airbender? Why did they change the title?A: Obviously so it wouldn't be confused with the 2004 film, Avatar, starring David Warner from Tron. I've been told there's another film of the same name that came out in 2009.
Q: I see Asif Mandvi is in the film, is he as funny as he is on The Daily Show?A: Um? This is a hard question to answer for a few reasons. Let's just say that, yes, I laughed many times when he was on screen. But considering that his character is the lead villain, I doubt that this was the intended reaction.
Q: Dev Patel is in the film. Does he win a million dollars like he did in Slumdog Millionaire?A: If you count his Airbender salary, yes, you can probably classify that as "winning," considering that he has no business being cast as a villain in any film.
Q: These sounds like bad casting choices. How are the other actors?A: Shyamalan got in some hot water for not casting actors of East Asian descent to play the East Asian characters from the animated version. He has gone on record saying that the white actor who played the lead role of Aang, Noah Ringer, was perfect for the role, and the choice had nothing to do with race.
Q: Was he right?A: I think there are plenty of East Asian actors that are breathing a sigh of relief that they have absolutely nothing to do with Shyamalan's version of this story. While watching the film, I caught myself thinking, “You know who would have been better in this? Jake Lloyd."
Q: Aang is a child. Isn't Jake Lloyd 21 years-old now?A: I still would have preferred Jake Lloyd.
Q: Well, at least it's in 3D. right? How is the 3D?A: Halfway through the film, I remember thinking, "Why am I wearing glasses? Did I forget to put my contacts in today?" There is not one scene in the whole film in which I actually noticed that third dimension.
Q: So should I see the film in 3D or 2D?A: Do you have a third option?
Q: What's the best part of The Last Airbender?A: You're going to have to give me some time to think about that, can you ask me again later?
Q: Sure. What's the worst part?A: That's like asking a parent to pick a favorite between his 137 children. But, If I have to pick one: Asif Mandvi wants to kill something called the Moon Spirit because it will help his people, the Firebenders, gain power. It turns out this mystic Moon Spirit is a fish. Not a large, CGI style fish. No, just your average-sized trout. So, the most dramatic scene in the film involves Asif Mandvi stabbing a fish. I never realized the gravitas involved when I used to watch my grandfather do the exact same thing after returning from being out on his boat. Perhaps it was the lack of a swelling orchestral score.
Q: O.K., so what's the best part about The Last Airbender?A: After the film, watching the wide-eyed looks of astonishment of every single person that I saw leaving the screening. I feel like we all went through something pretty horrific together. As time goes on, with years and miles between us, it will have been a long and lonely ride.
But if I got that call in the dead of the night, I'd be right by their side
Q: Aren’t those pretty much the lyrics to Bon Jovi's "Blood on Blood"?A: I feel they are appropriate to this situation.
Q: M. Night Shyamalan always casts himself in his films. What does he play in The Last Airbender?A: As far as I could tell, The Last Airbender is Shyamalan-free.
Q: That's odd. Do you know why he didn't appear in the film?A: He probably read the script.
Q: Should I see The Last Airbender?A: Are you someone who enjoyed "Two Girls, One Cup"?
Q: Was that the sitcom that starred Ryan Reynolds? The one with the pizza place?A: You know, maybe you should see The Last Airbender.
